Dealing with the Competition Among Christian Females in Church

Jacob loved Rachel so much that he cherished her only two biological sons, Joseph and Benjamin, born to him among all of his other children. For him, marrying her meant reaching a finish line for which he had run with every possible effort. The woman whom he wanted was priceless to him. So, he waited and worked toward his desire – even discovering that his uncle, her father, had malicious intentions to misuse him for his own gain. But to Jacob, it was all worth it:

“And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” – Genesis 29:20 (KJV)

In the midst of all her father’s deceit, the longing between two love birds, and Jacob’s labor in exchange for a marriage sought after so diligently, Leah was caught in the middle. Her father, Laban, somehow tricked Jacob into believing that he had actually married Rachel after seven years of labor for her. But after the marriage consummation, Jacob awakened the next morning in dismay to find Leah next to him. Laban’s act of deception was unfair on Jacob, but it was also highly unfair toward both his daughters.

Leah’s feelings were always on the line because, during her own marriage to Jacob, she competed with his other wife –  her own sister and love of his life. Leah competed for that man’s affections! When I read the story about how she sought his attention so diligently, I can’t say that she was wrong. She longed for her husband’s love. That was natural. This was a woman’s heart on the line. She bore all of those children to at least match Rachel’s significance. A rejected object of her father’s successful plot to trick Jacob into blindly marrying her, Leah was not ignorant to her husband’s tenderness toward Rachel versus his obligation toward her.

I really wonder if Leah was heartbroken on the day of her passing. I wonder if she felt defeated. After all, competition to the extent that those sisters experienced eventually leads to somebody’s defeat.

In A Single Woman’s Journey Through Marriage Preparation book, I focus on this complex relationship between Leah and Rachel. I also refer to other romantic scriptural stories, specifically those of Esther with King Ahasuerus and Ruth with Boaz. My hope is that this effort to explore these women’s victories in the area of romantic relationships can encourage those believing God for a mate. However, there is a more prevalent issue that many of us as sisters in Christ need to address – the value of our relationships with each other.

Many of these common quests for the same eligible brothers in our churches begin so accidentally. Sometimes a woman will just attend church to focus on Christ and fellowship. Then she may develop feelings for a certain brother who’s probably the desire of several women’s hearts. These races for brothers’ hearts can many times be hard to avoid. They are like traditions with history dating back to Genesis.

Leah’s and Rachel’s relationship could have been more solid. But there was a man to desire and compete for. For them, that meant competition and an impacting change on their relationship as sisters. We can compare their relationship to our sister-to-sister relationships today among many single women in Christ. Look at the issues revolving around some conflicts in today’s churches – not in all, but in a great number of them.

Your Qualities Versus Those Of Another Sister

We see many Christian women wanting the same brothers because of natural interest. Two or more women could be running buddies for a period of time, enjoying fellowship together, participating in outreaches together, tagging up to attend social gatherings together, and calling on each other as prayer partners. But what if an eligible man shows up on the scene?

Sisters, I encourage you to keep a level head about this reality: A single God-fearing woman may meet a Godly man with all the qualities mapped out in a model husband. But, more than likely, by the time she sets her eyes on him, he’s already been scoped out by a few other females from different cliques within a Christian arena. I remember feeling so frustrated about this familiar scenario when I was single with a crush on someone and when I used to hope to see one of my friends matched up with a guy.

When there is one woman with Proverbs 31 qualities interested in one man, there could be a number of others with similar virtuous-woman qualities interested, too. But those qualities diminish in women who choose to backbite or slander the names of those who seem to pose threats on their goals. We all know that familiar nature of the old creature – the flesh. We want what we want! But woe to those who get in our way! Is that a familiar attitude?

Unfortunately, we have known some men who enjoyed such attention. To have choices to make among several eligible women certainly seems to place them in the drivers’ seats! But as they seek to find good wives, they are also vulnerable in their own ways. This is why the driver’s seat, even for a man as he may face choices among women, belongs to the Father, who will communicate through His Holy Spirit – even communicate to a man which woman would be good for him.

It is very apparent that single committed women of faith out-number the single brothers in these Christian fellowships and undoubtedly in other places like the workplace and higher education settings. I used to be discouraged about the male-female ratio before my eyes. I honestly don’t remember reading about the ratio or any related statistics. But it was right before my eyes.

I saw that the single sisters outnumbered those eligible men who ran in the same or other Christian circles. Even when there were Christian guys who regularly socialized with a smaller number of Christian females, those guys scoped out other women outside the circle. Ask me how I know. I saw that these young men had a line of choices among a high-quality selection of “candidates for courtship”.

As a single woman, I could see that the sisters had limited choice. Most of us could see that. In fact, many of us felt like contestants in a stiff competition that was judged by handfuls of male scorekeepers here and there – coming and going. Have you ever felt that pressure to stay dressed up, made-up, and postured up? Was there an extreme awareness of male eyes on you judging your appearance? Our adversary, the devil, will actually toy with the minds of singles to make this issue a major focus to steer the focus from Christ.

My heart goes out to my sisters in Christ who are not enjoying their lives as singles and actually struggle with loneliness while waiting for God to send them a mate. Without a continual steadfast pursuit for God and a quest for His direction, hearts can break time after time in the absence of tangible companionship. I know how a woman’s heart can ache after she’s allowed herself to hope and pray for something only to learn that it won’t be available to her. Some women lose their joy over these disappointments of not getting the men of their dreams. Some of our sisters are even tempted to date outside the Christian faith as results of feeling rejected by the eligible brothers in our churches.

There are other women who give in to their loneliness and plunge themselves into their careers. Some go into deep depressed modes. Many even present themselves to be self-sufficient and happy. But behind closed doors, they cry because they actually feel the loneliness and rejection once day-to-day activity fades out with the sun. Though, not all, many single women experience this, as I and many of whom I knew did.

This loneliness was a weapon that the devil used to make me feel rejected. Sisters, I was not rejected as most single women are not. I felt rejected, however. I felt undesirable and ignored by all the eligible brothers whom I would have considered desirable for myself. The scripture that used to always offer comfort to me as a single waiting on God to seek out and prepare a saved mate for me was Colossians 3:2, which reads what Paul wrote: “Set your affections on things above, not on things on earth.”

God provides comfort to our hearts and lets us know that, in Christ, we are complete as we continually clothe our hearts with His Word to resemble Him. I believe that married Christian women need that comfort even as do the single women.

Your Measure Of Womanly Worth Founded In Christ

Because men tend to be quite vocal about the importance of beauty and attributes that make women appealing, many of us base our self-worth in the wrong areas of life. Of course, I believe that we can fix ourselves up in different ways for beauty’s sake. But, Sisters, you can rediscover that initial revelation, which many of us learned at the beginning of our faith: God’s interest is in your heart.

You might ask, “How will that revelation attract Mr. Right to me?” Well, God has years of experience matching men and women up. In fact, He introduced Adam to his wife, Eve. He sent Rebekah to Isaac, Esther to Ahasuerus, and Ruth to Boaz. I certainly am not saying that a woman should let her appearance go, focusing only on the heart. However, I do believe that the primary focus on the heart, as you groom yourself, will prepare you – continually molding you into the character of a Christ-like woman.

“But we all, with an open face beholding as a glass the glory of the LORD, are changed into the same image from glory to glory – even as by the Spirit of the LORD.” – II Corinthians 3:18 (KJV)

While you wait on your Heavenly Father for anything that you’ve asked of Him, you must always behold Him through studying and meditating on His Word, through prayer and praise, and through following the Holy Spirit’s direction. As you behold Him, you are continually changed. I believe that the changes which take place in our lives prepare us for the blessings to come. (In many single women’s lives, the blessings to come are Godly husbands.) In a single woman’s case, I believe, the change in her has to occur before the marriage blessing in order that her perspective can remain in tune with God’s Word with the changes and challenges that marriage brings.

Sisters, if you are single, God wants to make sure that your growth, as you behold Him, will keep you planted where you will not set your affections solely on your husband to come. There would be much pain in that. Disappointment at that level can threaten to destroy a woman’s contentment with her man. You can hold your mate in such high regard, entrusting your very security in his ability to fulfill all your needs, that you wouldn’t be able to withstand his human errors.

This is a chapter excerpt from A Single Woman’s Journey Through Marriage Preparation.