Dealing with The Competition Among Christian Females in The Church: Part Two

Women in competition for men in the church unknowingly compete for reality while competing for the men. A number of women may find a man up for grabs and just begin acting outside the character which God called us to have. Sometimes we produce these competitions for ourselves, as you can probably recognize. (And there are many men who do not really pay close attention to who is after them. If they are focused on God’s Word and their relationships with their LORD Jesus, they should not have to pay attention to the petty disputes over them. They’re not under obligation – even if they’ve set their eyes on one particular single Godly woman. One is how many each is supposed to focus on and marry.)

A Test Of True Love Through Reality

So, why have these competitive issues had to be so severe for us? Each eligible man, if allowed by the LROD, will be a blessing in one woman’s life – and vice versa. But believe me, Sisters, the woman who finally gets the man will realize that a competition did not have to be so stiff after she gets a taste of those unappealing habits.

After she sees her husband’s pile of dirty clothes that she may have to deal with (as my pastor in Atlanta once pointed out), the tooth paste tube left open, those ripped up boxes of cereal left on the kitchen counter, those frightening driving habits, and his own resistance to *her* bad habits, she won’t gloat. She may feel like a winner for a split second in time. But she will not triumph for long because marriage is attached to reality. This is not to discourage anyone. The above scenario may not be the same. It may be different. But my point is that, in marriage, while there is beauty, there is also a purification of love that goes through the fire of reality.

For those sisters who finally get their men, whom several other women may have wanted, be happy. Be also happy for yourself as you continue to wait on God to send the right man for you.  Even in the book of Esther, it is written that there was an organized competitive set-up among the eligible women under King Ahasuers’ rule. He sought a queen to replace his current queen, Vashti. (The book of Esther, chapters one and two). Imagine the excitement going through a woman’s mind as she prepared to go before the king for that crown! That excitement stemmed from their anticipation of the marital *benefits.* But the right woman with the right heart had to be chosen for the king. Her attitude had to be so flexible that she would be willing to love him while living out the positive *and* negative aspects of that crown.

Only the ordained woman could have probably put up with him. Seemingly, Queen Vashti, the apparent first wife, just could not tolerate the negative aspects of the crown she wore as the king’s royal wife. She, like many of us would feel in her shoes, could not deal with the idea of feeling shown off in the king’s circle of merry men. (That’s what the king wanted to do – show her off to other tipsy men in his circle.) Every time I read this story, I cannot picture a green-eyed Vashti after Esther was chosen to replace her. I could be totally wrong for thinking that Vashti may not have experienced any jealousy. She just did not demonstrate the same appreciation for her husband that Esther seemed to have.

Who could appreciate a man that would want to exploit his wife’s beauty in front of a bunch of other men, who proved themselves to be chauvinistic? Not many women would deal with that behavior without some type of resistance. God chose Esther as the one who would carry out His plan by planting her in the king’s life. She had to have a heart of tolerance and appreciation for Ahasuerus.

Esther was placed into that man’s life with a divine purpose of deliverance for her people –  God’s people, the Jews. But she also had to have a certain level of patience and meekness to be a suitable wife for Ahasuerus. What if the man whom you seek in competition is not actually the man suitable for you? Or not the one for whom you’re suitable? What if traits within each of your characters prove to be too unbearable to tolerate? There would be a problem.

Unlike the days of King Ahasuerus who took another wife as queen to replace the defiant one, our era in Christ is founded upon His uncompromising standards for marriage. That means that if we put away our spouses for any other reasons besides fornication, we commit adultery. So, once you marry a man, you are locked into that relationship. It’s called a covenant. There can be no more sayings like, “Oh, no this is not the one whom God called me to be with. I’d better go and get me a divorce now. I have my eye on Joe as the one who must really be for me.” My husband and I were tempted to divorce during our fourteen years of marriage.

There is no listening to any so-called Christian advice to divorce for “irreconcilable differences” to go marry another. When there are heightened problems that interfere with the marriage, He calls us to reconcile in the same marriage if companionship is to continue and if adultery has not broken the covenant. So, during a woman’s single life, her waiting period amid the competition, she should evaluate some key facts: Some of the Godliest men can still wear characteristics that can get on a certain woman’s nerves. That is why I say that there is one woman per man – both suitable for each other. Can you endure the nerve-eating habits? The unfair treatment that sometimes occurs? The in-law problems that may await you? How authentic will your love be?

From a spiritual perspective, a woman does not win the affections of a man because she is the best woman over the others. Among other reasons, she is actually the one with qualities and temperament needed to endure time with him. She’s also the one who has a calling that is to intertwine with his and to build him up.

“And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a help meet for him.’” (Genesis 2:18, King James Version)

“The heart of her (the virtuous woman’s) husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (verse 11) She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (verse 12)

Are You Focusing On Outward Appearance?

Now, if you’re single with a strong physical attraction to an eligible guy in your Christian surroundings, you’re more than likely attracted to what he allows you and everybody else to see on and in him. You see exactly what he selectively presents outside his home. Don’t we all camouflage like that in some ways?

Think about what your poor habits are and what would embarrass you. The details that only Mama, Daddy, brother, and sister know are almost sacred to you. So, don’t you desire a mate who would be willing to accept your uncovered flaws along with the qualities you prep and present? How would you feel if your new husband expressed disgust upon his new awareness of your bad habits? What if his indignation reached the point where he decreasingly showed interest in you as his wife due to your flaws? Wouldn’t you feel like you settled for a shallow arrangement with this man – after opening yourself up to him fully?

You want someone to love you purely – despite your faults and flaws. So, require of yourself the same heart to love your husband-to-be. Therefore, you cannot fall in love with the presentation – the cologne, the good looks, the fine grooming, the muscles, and the display of intelligence. Certainly, those aspects of a man will initially draw us. We are commonly attracted to what is attractive.

But concerning a man to whom you are attracted, what kind of little details could his mother tell you that would make you want to hit the road? Sisters, we have to search the sincerity of our hearts while, at the same time, guarding them. Search for the genuine feelings within yourself. If, as a Christian believer, a man has characteristics that can simply turn you off to the point where you can no longer be interested in him, then get out of the way so that he can focus on his wife-to-be. You may not be the one.

What is most important to you  – and to Jesus – beyond your man’s outward and displayed qualities? Beyond his popularity and those impressive ways, what will move you to endure time with him at his worst? Nothing *in him.* It would have to be that which is in you – true love.

[Of course, you can separate from what will physically or mentally harm you and your children according to I Corinthians 7:10-11 which says, “And unto the married I command, yet not I (Paul), but the Lord: Let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband. And let no the husband put away his wife.”]