Published by Are You Willing To Step On Others To Get The Man You Want?
Two years before I received the LORD Jesus as my Personal Savior, I was a freshman in college. In Atlanta, I met a guy during a summer program for college-bound high school seniors and graduates. Having no actual dating experience except for my prom night and one trip to a pizza place, I felt flattered by this guy’s interest to spend money dating me. After a couple of dates – and walks and talks – and by the time I learned about his girlfriend back home in Michigan, I was already hooked.
Within a matter of weeks holding hands and puckering up, my goal became a determination to find out when he was going to break off his involvement with her. Now, you might say, “But you were non-committed college students. He wasn’t tied down! Nobody had a ring on his or her finger.” This is just one of the wrong views that we’ve learned about relationships in our self-seeking world.
“And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.” (Luke, 6:31 – King James Version/KJV)
We are taught that what *feels* right *is* right. I felt right comparing *my heart’s desire* to another girl’s *broken heart*. In fact, listening to her boyfriend share with me details of her negative character traits, I was able to convince myself that she did not deserve him like I did. (LOL – laugh out loud – at that ridiculous outlook and have nothing to do with it in your own attitude as a single woman unless you want to face consequences for covetousness.) My goal was to call that guy my boyfriend. I felt that, if he went home to Michigan and gave her one peck on the lips, he was being unfaithful to *me*. So, when we went back to Atlanta for our first semesters as freshmen, I made a point to ask him, with expectancy of a straight answer that I actually believed he owed me.
Today, of course, I believe in courtship from a totally different perspective than how I learned in the past. (I truly believe that, as singles abiding in Christ, a believer would be wise to court with a different heart and attitude than that of an unbeliever.) My purpose for bringing up my experience is to show its similarity to what is so common among sisters of the faith – and even among sisters belonging to the same congregations. There was a reason behind my behavior in Atlanta: absence of a true relationship with Jesus Christ and, therefore, a lack of heed to His Word. I didn’t know Christ. So, I knew no better.
While this behavior does not belong in our Christian circles, it does exist and hurts tremendously in more ways than one. Typically, unlearned Christian women do not respectfully regard courtships. Many are just grabbing at whomever they want by any means and at any cost. But there is another reality – a consequence – to consider: “(verse 7) Be not deceived. God is not mocked. For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. (verse 
For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption. But he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.” (Galatians 6:7-8 – KJV)
Be so careful about how you will acquaint yourself, as a single woman, with certain gentlemen. If you see that he shows interest in you – even if he is an attractive man of God – with another woman on his arm as his girlfriend, he is better off left in your prayers. Place your desire for him into the Father’s hands. If the LORD chooses to set the two of you up in courtship, He will release that man, who, in turn can approach you in pure respect for both you and his previous girlfriend.
But God will also make emotional and spiritual accommodation for that first girlfriend. Even if she becomes hurt, her emotional state would be regarded with respect to the extent that everything done – from both the boyfriend and the new girlfriend – will not be done apart from Agape love, which is patient, gentle, kind, not self-seeking, non-envious, meek, non-malicious (Read 1 Corinthian 13).
And of course, from there, it’s up to the first girlfriend to move on in faith. She has her own accountability in how she would react in a situation like that. It happens all the time.
But do you think that the LORD will have you, as His single daughter representing Him, flood into two people’s lives and take over what *you* desire? That was my mindset concerning that guy from Michigan. With Paul’s sowing and reaping message in mind, you could very understandably be leery about trusting a man with whom you’ve collaborated on hurting somebody else. Unless I was told that true repentance went forth, I would not suggest trusting him if I were your friend within close range of events surrounding him cheating with you until you were able to take him from the first girlfriend. How can you know whether such a companion would not go behind *your* back and render the same deeds toward you for another woman?
In your own right – not given by God – you can compete for a man with his current girlfriend and win far more than you bargained for. Your new reality will conquer your triumph. Why? Because you win, not only the man, but that particular man’s slick nature, a new detail in your reputation, and probably worst, that man’s inability to truly trust you as an honorable woman. He may be able to trust you in a lot of ways. But what if he is not able to trust you to make honorable decisions or selfless decisions?
Although I never neither fornicated with the guy from Michigan nor any of the other guys, since my repented mistake of throwing away my virginity at age 15 to a 16-year old boyfriend of my past, my new boyfriend eventually started accusing me of “fooling around” with my close male friends. Supposedly, he should have known I wasn’t the type to sleep around – even not being in Christ at the time. But he couldn’t find it in his heart to trust me. After I learned about his slickness during our courtship, I concluded that he had judged me based on his knowledge of his own deeds. But, Sisters, he also remembered me as the girl who was self-seeking enough to take him from his girlfriend back home.
Search For Inward Qualities In A Man
I believe that, if every Christian single woman’s eyes were open to what Christ wants her to see and to what He wants her to analyze, there would not be so much stiff competitions after the eligible brothers. Also, I believe that, with opened eyes, single women would pray more during their time of waiting. Praying intimately to your LORD will align your perspective with His. So, seeing from His perspective will set you apart from the contending crowd.
Spiritually opened eyes will enable you to notice a less physically attractive brother, though he could be attractive solely in *your* eyes. There is nothing wrong with that. You have to guard your heart by allowing God to open your eyes to the qualities of those men who wouldn’t exactly be sought after so diligently by other women. There may be a gentleman with a heart connectible with yours and with all the qualities that God knows will suit you in a marriage. In order to meet such a man, are you willing to let God open your eyes more?
Guard your heart from the shallow qualities that so many of us have looked for in men. Those handsome, suave attributes, accompanied by no pure heart, have impressed *and* depressed women over the years. Open your guarded heart to God’s credentials.
Before my husband and I married, there were some men who wanted to get to know me “with the future in mind”. Today, I’m sure, if they knew everything that my husband has had to endure in me, they would probably be glad that my husband was the one that I chose over them. Likewise, that’s what women who once wanted him would have to say about everything I’ve had to go through with him. Bottom line: My husband and I are for each other.
Imagine a hypothetical courting couple, Susie and Jack. A woman may have once wanted Jack and had contemplated a scheme to take him from his girlfriend before the engagement. Then years after the couple’s wedding, this woman could hear about Jack’s failed business endeavors and their resulting financial crises in their family. The woman could also learn how Susie’s mother-in-law caused more stress on the marriage demanding most of Jack’s time after work and on weekends. That woman would say in heart, “Well, I’m glad Susie got him. I’m glad I couldn’t take him from her.” Knowing that Susie had to go through so much with that Christian man, the woman would have to re-evaluate her heart if she were a perceptive woman.
Only a pure heart – not a slick, scheming, shallow one – has more chance to overcome continual and serious problems that sometimes come in a marriage. Even then, pure hearts become so discouraged after so much stress that wives have often given up on their marriages (as have some husbands). Surely, hearts with no pure motives, unless cleansed through repentance and change, have little chance of withstanding marital trials.
As a married couple my husband and I are recipients of an anointing, just between us in our marriage, to minister to each other in longsuffering and perseverance the way only a married couple could. We are also just as well entitled to reaping the benefits of that endurance together. It is the same set-up for you and the man to whom God called you.
There is somebody for you if you’re not called to be single like Paul, the apostle. (Having a desire for that extensive companionship with a man would signify that you are not called to live single unless Jesus was to say otherwise.)
The man for you may be someone about whom you will have to make up in your mind to love unconditionally. Accept the negative – in wisdom, in discretion, and within Biblical boundaries – with prayer for change and appreciation for the positive. This mindset is what makes a relationship authentic – founded on the Word of God.
If you desire to have a strong, Word-founded relationship with your husband-to-be, your standard of his Christian walk has to align with yours. If you enjoy attending mid-week prayer meetings and Bible Studies, you may not get much support from a Christian man who objects while insisting that Sunday morning services provide enough fellowship for the week. But God may leave you with that choice of a mate – not without providing warnings and alternative views for you prior to a marital engagement.
If you love prayer, do not think that you will likely have much success praying with a man who sees little need for it. Even a man who does not pray much, but has a desire to increase his prayer life, would likely be willing to learn from your habit of much prayer. I would suggest marrying a Christian man who places a receptive value on pure prayers to Jesus Christ. (Some Christian men do not.) As a husband, he could make a good prayer partner because his interest in the things of God and interest in God Himself can increase.
Think about it: When you are going through a scorching fire of problems and when you truly need God’s intervention, who do you call on to pray in agreement with you? The moderately saved? No! You call on those saints whom everybody else calls *crazy* for talking about the LORD too much and praying all the time. You call on those whom even *you* may have criticized for their refusal to watch certain movies and television shows. You may have told them to lighten up: “Give in a little! Don’t take that Bible so literally.” But at that crucial prayer time, you’re glad deep down that they ignored you. Those are the type of people who you and your husband should be with one another – uncompromising about your dedication and faith to Jesus Christ.
Marry a man who only sets his goal to be “just sufficiently saved” and see what will happen to the interest of Jesus Christ in your marriage. It’s hard enough in a Spirit-filled marriage due to conflicting wills, consequences of living in the flesh, and other crazy problems. But marrying a Christian with a carnal outlook can pull you way out of the direction where God wanted you to go. Paul already explained in I Corinthians 7 that a single woman cares for the things of the LORD and how she will please the LORD while a married woman cares for the things of the world and how she will please her husband (as well as the LORD). It’s already hard enough. Don’t let a man pull you into the other direction of living like you’re not walking on the straight and narrow road for which Jesus told us to strive. A man who loves God’s Word enough to willingly learn your good habits, and to teach you his good habits of the Christian walk – sorting through and gradually filtering out the poor habits – can share a spiritually healthy life with you.
