Published by Emma Jean’s Porch: Advice to God’s Children
Emma Jean’s Porch is a weekly advice column that offers Christian perspectives and Bible-based reflections on every day problems. Send your anonymous questions to ekhoar@gmail.com. If your question is accepted, you will be notified by return email.
Dear Emma Jean,
My wife of 32 years wants to leave me. Our children are grown and just recently out of the house, and I always thought that once they were gone, [name withheld] and I would finally settle into what our marriage could be if we’d only had the time to focus on one another. [Name withheld] says she never got what she needed from me, that she needs to find out who she is. I think she’s got someone else. A friend suggested Christian counseling and we’ve been going once a week, but I think the counselor is siding with her. They’re both telling me I need help, but I think my wife is the one who needs help. I don’t see how I can live without her. I can’t even imagine our home without her in it. I’m not sleeping and I’ve lost 30 pounds in 5 weeks. I’m angry. She’s angry. All we do is fight. What can I do to save my marriage? I don’t see anywhere in the Bible that Jesus deals with this.
– Fighting Divorce in Virginia
Dear Fighting,
Your signature tells all. You are fighting. Ever heard the expression, “Let Go and Let God”? That’s easier said than done, of course. I’m glad to see that you’ve tried to find answers in the Bible. You’re in the minority in today’s rotting culture, my friend. Let’s see if I can help you.
Men and women need a moral compass to navigate their relationships in love and support, as God intends. Every person needs a moral compass so that s/he can have peace of mind. We can find the rules in the Bible for living in peace – peace with one another and peace within ourselves. This peace is the peace of mind that leaves us feeling calm about all things. When we have peace of mind we feel warm. We smile at one another. We can sit still and contemplate. Our minds can wander and imagine higher ideas. Our energies are vibrating faster but in a harmonious hum. Knowing peace of mind is the essential essence of gnosis. It sounds like you don’t have much of this right now.
But I wander. Your issue, my friend, is divorce and how to save your marriage. The unrest you feel, all the anger, the reason you are not sleeping and can’t eat is because you do not have peace of mind. And you don’t have peace of mind because your wife – the woman who fell in love with you 32 years ago, who bore your children, who knows you in and out and upside down – is contemplating something that God abhors. You feel unrest in our soul because you sense on a deep, deep level that divorce is wrong. But is it?
You obviously don’t want a divorce, so let’s go with that. You can use the following passages during your next fight with your wife, if you like. You can scream them at her. They’ll serve your argument well. (I don’t recommend this, but you can do it if you feel like it, of course.)
Take a look at the book of Malachi. Didn’t go to that one, did you? OK. Good. Go to chapter 2, verses 15-16, especially “…take heed to your spirit and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the Lord God says that he hates the putting away…”
Also take a look at Matthew, chapter 5, verses 31-32: “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery.”
The Matthew 5:31-32 passage is often used to argue against divorce. But the spirit of the passage – when read in context of the passages that precede it – is not about divorce when the woman wants out of the marriage. It’s about a man wanting to get rid of his wife for a reason other than her adultery. Has your wife committed adultery? If not, then you would sin if you divorced her so that you could have another woman in her place. If you intended to get rid of her so you could commit adultery, you would suffer the consequences of sin. Even thinking about this – as you have experienced – puts you in Hell.
But divorce is supported in the Bible. Take a look at First Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 15: “If the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances.”
Is your wife a follower of Christ? Does she believe in God? At the present it sounds like she is putting God to the side and thinking about herself rather than how to live a good clean life in peace. If your wife once followed Christ, then you have an obligation as a believer to remind her. See Matthew 18:15-18: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault privately. If he listens to you, you have won a brother over in love.” If s/eh does not listen to you, however, then the Lord – through Paul the Apostle – tells you to “treat him as you would a pagan” (an unbeliever).
So where are we?
Here’s Emma Jean’s advice for how to save your marriage, which is supported by the Bible:
Wait for a relatively calm moment between the two of you. Ask you wife, lovingly, to listen just one more time to what you have to say. Tell her that if she still wants to leave after you tell her what you want to say, you will no longer object; you love her and want her to be happy. If she feels like she must leave after hearing what you have to say, you will let her go to the happiness she thinks she can find. Tell her that you love her and you don’t want to see her suffer. Tell her you know she will suffer if she decides to leave the marriage. Tell her you know this because the Bible clearly shows that the Lord hates divorce. Especially divorce when no one has committed adultery. Read her the passages above. Remind her that she once believed in God. Ask her if she still does. If she says “yes, but…” reply to her that for the sake of God you think she should give the marriage one more chance. If she agrees, pull out the little book entitled, When Your Marriage Needs Repair by David B. Hawkins, ACSW, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Marriage-Needs-Repair/dp/0781434726. Ask her to read it and go to one more marital counseling session.
Take this book to your next marital counseling session and/or agree with your wife to follow it for 6 months, step by step. If your wife still wants to leave, you need to let her go. It will be hard – but remember, God has a purpose for everything, and His purpose for her may be something she needs to learn for her soul to develop so that she can one day be closer to Him. Or the lesson could very well be for her to know – through absence from you – that she loves you more than anything in the world and doesn’t want to live apart from you.
Be strong. Rely on the Lord and know that he’ll get you through it. Once she is gone, move on to “Let Go and Let God”.
Be at peace. What happens is up to God, not you. Shalom.
