Published by Ann considers herself an outsider in her own family. Even though she sees them every week, they tend to ignore her. Her offers to help them when they have certain needs fall on deaf ears. They never call her-she has to initiate and maintain contact, and even when she does, they never ask or seem to care about her life.
Why does her family treat her like an outcast? Perhaps because they aren’t her biological family- they are her church family.
Ephesians 4:2-3 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (NIV, italics added). According to this scripture, friendship and fellowship are vital parts of a Christian’s life. Fellowship and friendship in the church are different levels of intimacy.
“Fellowship is communion with other believers in order to encourage one another’s walk with the Lord. It is the love of Christ that can unite people from diverse backgrounds and with distinctive personalities so that they are able to call each other “brother” and “sister.”(http://fellowship.churchcentral.com)
Fellowship involves Christians of all backgrounds, ages, and maturity levels. It can take place even between strangers.
If you are experiencing only fellowship instead of friendship, try these four suggestions for closer friendships:
- Assign top priority to friendship. You may be attending a worship service, or even a Bible study, but close friendships are built over time. If you have the tendency to get frustrated and want friends NOW, you may develop a few casual friendships, but not the deep, abiding friendship you seek. Commit to getting to know the people in your church by getting more involved in volunteering, perhaps to lead or teach children or youth group, and stick with it! Offer to help with funeral meals or childcare, but make an effort to connect with the people you see on a regular basis. It may take some time, but if you commit to making friendship, you will make friends.
“Significant relationships come to those who assign them enough importance to cultivate them. So… assign top priority!” (Alan Loy McGuinnis, The Friendship Factor)
- Focus on important matters. So many friendships stop before they even begin because people allow petty issues to cloud their judgment. Be open to women you may have disregarded because of their age, ethnicity, marital status, children’s ages, the way they style their hair, etc. Your greatest friend could be waiting in the form of a woman who is 20 years older than you, widowed, and with grown children, but you had already dismissed her as a friend because she seems so different from you. Reach out and see if you form friendships you might have otherwise missed.
- Let God be your friend. As trite as this may sound, God is the only one who can comfort you in every situation, at every time, and in every place. It may take time to build friendships with other women, but God can comfort you and give you peace while you reach out to His other children. Learn to rely on only Him, and make his friendship your first priority.
- Pray. Are you committed to pray for friendships? God knows your every need, and He knows the women to put in your path who will help change you into the person He wants you to be. Also pray for the women around you, and you will be amazed at how praying for someone will soften your heart toward that person, opening up your heart for friendship.
Close, personal friendships with women in your church are possible if you prioritize friendship, become accepting of others who don’t fit into your ideal mold of friend, enjoy fellowship and friendship with God, and commit to pray. It will take effort and time, but imagine your life without friendships for the next 20 or 30 years, and you will see how much more fulfilled and enriched your life can be.
Ann hasn’t given up. She plans to attend the women’s ministry meetings, and write articles based on her situation for her church’s newsletter. She plans to volunteer to teach a class in the spring, and hopes to meet new women through the class. I have great hope for her future. Oh, didn’t I tell you? I am Ann-it’s my middle name!
