Jesus Went to the Mountaintop to Pray. Why Don’t We?

Lately, I have felt out of sync.  My words and my actions do not match up, and so I feel like a hypocrite.  Also, my feelings are torn between God and the world.  I am not going to lie.  A Christian can struggle with the love of the world.  That’s been my story lately.

I have never been completely abandoned to God.  I cannot seem to say “No” to the internal urges that I feel inside.  As a result, I feel completely miserable, spiritually speaking.  Church feels like a drag.  I haven’t been praying.  I only read my Bible sporadically.  I’ve been arguing with my wife.  These symptoms have been going on for years.

I wondered if, maybe, God wasn’t able to help me.  Or, maybe I am a clay pot set aside for destruction.  Yet, why, then, has God placed me in such a big leadership role in my church?  I lead worship with my guitar, I am a group leader at our church’s youth center, and I teach Sunday School.  But, beyond that, I have the teens over to my house, and I know that I am an influence in their lives.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite, though.  Do you see how this situation is not good?

So, if this story were to go on as normal, here is how things would look:  I would spend all day saying to myself that I am going to straight home and go to bed, so that tomorrow morning, I can get up early, and start studying the word and praying.  Then I would come home, lay down on the couch, watch The Simpsons, get on the computer, look at sexy garbage to try and fill my empty soul, feel more guilty and hopeless after it is over, go to bed without setting the alarm, and wake up the next morning too depressed to read my Bible or pray.  Then the cycle would repeat.  Until Sunday, that is, when I would go into church early in the morning to teach the teens about the importance of Spiritual Disciplines in their lives, and lay out 12 basic steps to grow closer to God and become more aware of Him.

What hypocritical filth I am.

However, the story changed a little bit yesterday.  I was teaching the teen’s Sunday School class, as usual.  It was about how they should go out and find a godly adult who can counsel them in their tough decisions in life.  I didn’t even have a lesson plan, but, instead, I was just rambling on.  Well, the teens started to open up with me about problems and issues in their lives, which is something that has never happened before.  I was shocked by this, and, not forgetting to practice active listening, I tried to give them the best advice I could, without telling them how to fix their lives.  They hung on the words I was saying.  It was an amazing time.

I felt so guilty after it was over.  Here I am, a leader influencing teens who need help, and I sit at home on Saturday nights looking at porn, then go to church on Sunday to teach the kids about spiritual things.  I am a carnal being, trying to teach others spiritual things!  What insanity!

In my guilt, I just went home to watch football.  To top it all off, the Steelers lost.

When I was lying around feeling guilty, all I could think to do is pray to God that he would help me to have the courage to do what I need to do.  All I could come up with was “Jesus went up a mountain to pray.”  You hear that line quite a few times in scripture, and I wondered why I had never done that.  I decided I would.

Before going to bed, I set my alarm for 6:00 am.  I decided that I was going to climb a mountain and pray, like the saints you see in the paintings, down on their knees, looking up to heaven.  I almost didn’t make it.

I woke up at 6:00 am, promptly hit my alarm for another hour, and went back to bed.  Luckily, I was able to finally drag myself out of bed at 7:00 am.  I dressed warmly (winter is coming on), and headed up the mountain.  I quietly looked at the beautiful fall foliage on my way up and tried to rid my head of distractions.  I looked around for a while until I found a nice looking place to pray.  I stood there until I could mouth the words “Dear God.”

Out of nowhere, confession started spilling out of my heart.  I told him everything.  I told Him how I feel like a hypocrite, and how I am sick and tired of sinning.  I begged Him to forgive me because of the Blood of Christ, and I prayed that He would help me to change, by transforming my mind.

It was a wonderful experience of prayer, one I have not had in a long time.  My head feels so empty of distractions for once in my life, and I feel ready and primed to change.  I know that I cannot do it by myself.  I have to keep praying.  I need to revisit that mountain often, and beg Him to keep changing me.  I know he will, and that’s why I praise Him.