“My Heart Knows… (What to Believe)”

In all the years I have been studying the bible now (approximately 8 or so), I have found many questions,  contradictions and discrepancies among the scriptures.  One particular Internet website, points out at least 101 Contradictions therein – and that sounds about right to me.  But despite these confusing writings that so many hold to be self-evident, I still believe.   So what, exactly, is it, I believe in?  Let me clarify.

I believe that God exists.  Now, what form He takes or what essence He consists of, is something none of us can be sure of (until the day we return to Him)… but, here’s what I’ve always believed:  God is intelligence – His essence is the ENERGY FIELD that encompasses our universe, the energy that comprises our soul.  Wait. You say, you don’t believe in the “soul”?  Well, let me give you something to think about.

In the spinal cord, between the core of the brain and it’s connection to the heart, there is a flow of ENERGY that no one has quite been able to explain.  It’s an unknown form of energy.  I’ve heard that it appeared as little, bursts of light (when certain imaging tests were done) that shoot forth from neuron to neuron – and it is what transmits messages from different parts of our body to our brain – and then from the brain, back again.  OK… so, we have an energy WITHIN US, that cannot be seen with the naked eye, and IT IS INTELLIGENT.  This is evidence, to me, that we are connected to that one, and very same, energy that is all around us… which I like to call God.  Give it whatever name you will, it is the same energy.

I’ve been asked if I really just WANT TO BELIEVE or if I REALLY BELIEVE… well, I don’t only believe – in my heart, I KNOW.  That may sound arrogant to some, but I don’t know what else to say.  I’ve always JUST KNOWN.  Now, that is to say I KNOW (and have always known) GOD IS THERE.  Now, I WANT to believe other stuff that religion teaches, and the Bible says happened… but honestly, some of it’s just too hard to buy.

Alright, so the bible says that anyone with a mustard seed of faith will have their prayers answered… (it also says faith can move mountains) – but can this possibly be taken to be mean “literally”?  I think not.  I think this is metaphorical language, simply meant to inspire.  Would I put my faith to the test and pray, not seeing a doctor because I know God will help me, if I were suffering?  Actually, I have.  But, it wasn’t necessarily because I wanted to – I was forced to (by Him I believe)… most of my life, I have lived without any medical insurance.  Even had one baby with no coverage.  I don’t ever have the money to go see a doctor.  But I have survived through some pretty difficult times.  A few times a year, my breathing will get SO bad that I end up in the emergency room (because my family insists on taking me eventually) for treatment – but I still think I’d live.

Honestly, I feel like He enjoys tormenting me at times… I mean, not that He just gets a kick out of watching me gasp for breath, but the whole scene of going for treatment when it gets that bad – the hospital, the people, the telling my story (medical history) over and over again… I’ve become a “regular” at the local E.R. (this past year, 09, was only 3 times – far better than the year before when they saw me 9 times).  I use a preventative inhaler, for as long as it lasts… then a rescue inhaler, which I don’t need quite as much with the preventative – until that runs out.  Then I deal with it, as long as I can, until the coughing gets so severe, and so constant, that I begin having trouble just taking a breath.  Eating even becomes exhausting.  I’m unable to sleep because of the cough and eventually, it hurts my ribs… I’ve torn ligaments many times and even cracked a rib once (spent that Christmas Eve in the hospital, in Nevada).  Doesn’t seem to matter where I live – it’s always been this way.  And it’s only gotten worse as I get older.  I’ve often said “I feel like Job”.  Why does the Lord like to test me so?  I’m sure it’s all a part of the test… we all have our own.  See, I’m a social phobic, who tried to hide most of my life.  I pretended to be (and really wanted to be) invisible, as a child.

But He has forced me out into the open, and HERE I AM.  I’m still not quite sure I’m ready for what it is,  He wants me to do, which I have known all my life, (that is, speak for Him)… but since I am “slow of tongue”, as Moses said, often losing my train of thought when I speak – I suppose this is a place to start.   At least this way, I can look back over what I am saying before others “hear” it.  I always know what I WANT to say, but sometimes, when I talk, it doesn’t come out quite right – and I tend to make people angry.

So, to answer a question that was asked of me… would I give away all my goods, as Jesus said to, and live like Him – or do I do this?  Well, I live on as little as possible – I have, as little as possible – one running vehicle (a few dead, in the yard) and my income is below poverty (again, not necessarily by choice).  We do have a few luxuries… a couple televisions, computers, and my son has video games.  But then, these days, aren’t THOSE things essentials for our mutual survival in this technological world?  I stay apprised of what’s going on around the world that way, stay connected to family and old friends and make new connections on the Internet, and find a means of “escape” in TV shows now and then.  I think we all need that, to some extent, to maintain our sanity.  However, the truth is, I don’t NEED much of ANYTHING to “personally” survive – I COULD do without those things, and still be content with Him. And if Jesus, personally, came down and asked me to do that and GO WITH HIM, I would.  The only “insurance” I buy, is for my car, and that’s only because it’s required by the State!  And I’ve never had a 401k… always kinda figured I’d just have an income from my writing when I was old – damn, I better get busy!

These two points go to the heart of what most believers don’t do today, which is hypocritical.  The bible is quite explicit.  And if so many people believe that the bible is to be take literally, then, more of them should live the way I do – and THEY should do it by choice!  Yes.  I still believe in a supernatural power who cares for me.  So why hedge my bets?  Ha ha… because I KNOW that none of this matters.  Only knowing Him.

It’s always been my contention that God put us here, simply, to take care of this Earth.  Sadly, we’re not doing a very good job of that.  I believe that He just wants us to be good to one another, to help each other when we can, and to take care of all the things He has given us here.  THAT’S WHAT I BELIEVE.

That has been my point of view since I was a child – and I know, it’s a child-like point of view – it’s SIMPLE… the way it should be.  I never understood why people had to make it all so complicated.

I have never met anybody who actually “walked the walk”, that is preached about in churches everywhere.  It’s impossible, here on this Earth – in these bodies – with pleasures as awfully tempting as they are, to remain sinless!  I believe, too, that God knew this when He sent us here.

I’ve been blessed in my adult life, to have seen and experienced certain things that confirmed the belief I have held since childhood, of the existence of the supernatural.  Many, who haven’t had such experiences in their lifetime would question why an all powerful being – such as God – wouldn’t give everyone a similar experience.  But perhaps, it’s so that we will continue to question.  Perhaps, it’s so that we will continue to investigate.  Perhaps, it’s so that we will continue to discuss this.  Perhaps, it’s so that we will continue to learn.  

To suppose that since He doesn’t, and since there are so many different conflicting accounts of supernatural activity, it would seem to be that people are having delusions of sorts, is, simply closed-minded.  We all live different lives, walk different paths, and experience different things.  But everything happens for a reason.

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT.

It was recently asked of me, by my Atheist friend, what difference there was between the ancient gods Thor and Zeus – and MY GOD – all I can do, is smile at this,  because, in my eyes, there IS NO DIFFERENCE.  He is the same God, I believe.  They just didn’t see Him the same way.  He can take various forms.  He is “one” AND, He is “many”… He was, is and always will be (even if the label changes from time to time, or, from people to people).   I believe, that the cultures that pray to Buddha, are praying the my very same God – the only difference is in the name and their practice – but His energy, is the same all around the world.  In fact, I believe, it is constant all around the universe.  If there ARE people elsewhere, I believe He is also THEIR God, (no matter what name they may give him nor what rituals they adopt).