Pain

I do not pretend to bear it well. I may, or may not. Not having experienced anyone else’s pain but my own prevents me from being an authority on the subject. I have no doubt that childbirth is more pain than I have ever bore, but who can possibly know?

There are so many types of pain. I have experienced the pain of being beaten physically, of severe headaches, of infection, of toothache, of a young fool’s broken heart, of a father who sees impudence rising in his child’s eyes, the turned shoulder of a broken-hearted and embittered wife, of loneliness, of second degree burns, of idiots who find humor in slapping my back as I recover from severe sunburn, the pain of public humiliation, of being bullied, etc. So many kinds of pain.

One thing I know about pain is this–when it occurs, I typically focus entirely too much upon Me. I care not what anyone says of this–to me, it is sinful. It is my firm belief that I am called (as are all humans) to bring God glory in this life. There is nothing glorifying in self-pity, self-absorption.

There are innumerable stories of people who are dying, but who spend their remaining time and energy loving and encouraging those who have gathered around them to be supportive. They demonstrate an uncommon grace to those who surround them. Why? I cannot say, but it is most frequently the case that the individual in question is a godly man or woman. They face pain and death without the instinctual obsession with self. They rise above it in a way that is holy, good, and pure.

I am not there, yet surely my pain is far less. There is an unholy union between my own pain and my self-absorption. Pain comes, and I immediately focus on my needs, my desires, on Me.

There is something broken in my spirit. There is a hole that needs Jesus in order to be whole. There exists some point of physical discomfort at which I cease looking towards Him, lose focus, and flee from His Presence. At some point, I no longer call Him Lord. It is as though I forget the pain He suffered for me. Some point of recognition is needed–a point of repentance.

I am, then, in very poor company. I flee beside eleven disciples who denied Him; I turn my head with a king who proceeded without Samuel for the sake of his own discomfort and embarrassment; I ignore Him with another king who did not hearken the call to battle when other kings did….

There can be no excuses. There can be no explaining away based upon my own degree of pain. My response to pain has, thus far, been a denial of Him at those points. It is clear to me that I have failed there and that I must get this figured out. I aim to glorify Him in every arena of life.

The other day I found myself deeply immersed in my own pain, burdened with my self-absorption, fully expecting others to recognize the pain I was in and to leave me alone to bear it. But others cannot always know this, and their lives continue. A call from an excited young son who wished to show me some new creation received a response from Hell–a flippant, irritated bark from my own heart. I have repented since, and done so with all four of my young boys present. I explained that my actions were wrong, and that I was aiming to better handle any future occurrences. There was no excuse for my actions.

Pain. I have often reflected, of late, about how we Christians often speak of the Coming Age in terms of “no more pain, no more darkness, spending eternity with our loved ones.” I find myself thinking, If I still experienced pain in the heavenlies, would it matter? Will I even notice my loved ones of this life? In the little that I have come to know my Lord, it seems to me that pain will not be noticeable, that whether or not all my loved ones are there, I will not see them. The focus of eternity for all of us will not be our own pleasures, our reminiscences of the past, nor our friends and loved ones. Rather, we will find the natural pleasure of being in His Presence to be something beyond all comprehension. Without seeking pleasure, we will stumble upon it; without seeking joy, it will be ours; without any regard for ourselves, we will find ourselves more highly regarded than ever. Life in His Presence…. it holds so many wonders.

As I face pain, this is where my heart ought to be. Yes, I should do what I can to minimize pain, to reduce it, to remove it. But, if the Lord chooses to allow me to stay in pain, my eyes must still have a focus–and on the Holy One alone.