Premarital Intimacy

From the current society trend, the answer to this question seems affirmative. However sociological and medical studies prove God’s Word, which supports intimacy only within marriage, proved solid ground for abstaining until the wedding vows are said.

Biblical Terminology Clarified

As there is a difference from older translations of the Bible from the newer translations on words pertaining to intimacy, a brief explanation so that we will all be on the same “page”.

• Fornication (used in the King James Version) refers to a man who has an intimate relationship with an unmarried woman, who is still a virgin.
• Adultery – refers to a man who has an intimate relationship with any woman regardless of her marital status (unmarried, engaged, married or widowed).
• Sexual Immorality (used in newer translations) refers to any sexual relationship prior to marriage.

God’s View Point

There are abundant scriptural references which clearly states God’s position on the question of living together before being married. Only a few have been quoted below:

• “…you are to abstain from….sexual immorality.” Acts 15:29 NIV
• “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious; sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery…I am He who searches the hearts and minds, and I sill repay each of you according to your deeds.” Galatians 5:19 & 23 NIV
• “It is God’s will…that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body…” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 NIV
• “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4 NIV

In today’s fast pace contemporary culture where there is a great laxness for traditional values such as; respect, obedience, commitment, honor, trust, and yes, even love, the questions often asked is “What harm could living together cause? Surely God will cut us a little slack, we plan to marry.

First God’s Word is clear on His position of premarital intimacy. Living together is a breeding ground for an intimate relationship. God’s Word is exactly like God – unchanged. The reasons the Almighty makes rules for His human creation to abide by is that He loves us and wants what is best for us.

Most parents have the same kind of love, (to a lesser degree) for their children. As a result, rules and boundaries are set for keeping their children safe. God’s rules are no different.

The Medical Harm

Two medical harms affecting couples are sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and pregnancy.

During the sixties there arose a greater concern for STDs in our society than what was seen prior. Part of the reason for this elevated concern is that many forms of STDs began to escalate. And STDs were seen with greater clarity as the serious health condition these pose to the individual. Many of the STDs have the potential of causing infertility. And with the emergence of HIV/AIDS, even death.

According to an Internet article written by Dr. Larissa Hirsch, M.D. (March 2007), the only sure way to prevent STDs is:

• Complete abstinence from all forms of premarital intimacy
• To have only one partner, and for your partner to be yours, exclusively

Incidentally, almost all birth control methods do not prevent STDs. While these devices are fairly accurate at preventing pregnancy, they are not effective in preventing STDs.

In another report, prepared by A. Akerof and Janet L. Yeller (Brief number five), for the Brookings Institute, the following statistics were presented:

• 1966-1969 there were 322 thousand out-of-wedlock pregnancies
• 1980-1984 there were 710 thousand out-of-wedlock pregnancies

There have been volumes of information written about the harm out-of-wedlock pregnancies cause and will continue to cause; from formal studies and reports to casual testimonials. The facts from whatever the source conclude there are only three choices an unwed mother has regarding her pregnancy.

1. She can abort the pregnancy. While this may seem like an easy solution, it isn’t
   without serious side affects. If an abortion clinic is chosen (which is often the case),
   past records have proven the medical staff often are not professionals doctors or
   nurses. This has resulted in serious and often irreversible physical complications
   for the mother (from infections to infertility). Regardless of the qualifications of who
   performs the abortion, there are far too many cases of unwed mothers acquiring serious
   psychological problems.

2. The unwed mother can give her baby up for adoption; a better choice than abortion.
   But it isn’t without possible emotional and psychological ramifications. Many
   women once they see and hold their baby, desire to keep it. This is maternal
   instinct. To give their baby up is a heavy heartbreak. And should they never
   see or hold their baby, results in a lack of closure for them. This can become a
   psychological issue which can lead to serious depression.

3. A decision to keep the baby to try to raise it as a single parent, in the event the
   father skips out on assuming the responsibility for it, is a very difficult road to
   travel, but often the best decision of the three available to the unwed mother.

If the father should assume the responsibility for the child and the couple
marry, this more than not is done from a feeling of obligation rather than love.
When this is the case, it is a matter of time before the couple divorces. Quite
often the responsibility of marriage and parenthood coupled together is too
heavy for the couple, with financial concerns frequently being the main
factor in a marital split.

When the father refuses to assume his responsibility for his actions, the
common negative circumstances include:

• A breech in her family relations
• A change in her goals for college and a career
• Locked into lower paying employment opportunities
• The stress of trying to support herself and her child
• The vulnerability of another bad premarital relationship
• Undesirable means of escaping her situation via alcohol or illicit drugs

The above situations an unwed mother may find herself in, spells the potential for serious
psychological and social conditions. (Often the unwed mother finds herself the recipient of social welfare assistance).

The Seven Lies of Living Together

Alice Fryling discusses in great detail the seven lies about premarital intimacy and the harms of living together before marriage. The main points of each of these seven lies, are briefly highlighted in the remainder of this article.

1. Sex Creates Intimacy.

   True intimacy is the product of verbal and emotional communion (or fellowship) which has to be built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. It is not an encounter. According to one study of 100,000 women it was discovered premarital sexual experiences actually predisposed to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in marriage often fostering a low self esteem.

2. Early Sex in the Relationship = Getting to Know Each Other Better.

   This approach provides sensual pleasure at the cost of robbing the couple of the best route to marital happiness. Many have found intimate relationships before marriage to be so awful, they had no desire to marry. As Alice Fryling stated: “Sex is an art that is learned best in the safe environment of marriage.” With couples who live together before marriage, often physical intimacy will become unrestrained, dominating the relationship. When this happens other aspects of the relationship will suffer: Aspects like intellectual, emotional, and practical aspects of life. “Good sex begins in the head, it depends on intimate knowledge of your partner”.

3. Casual Sex Without Long-Term Commitment is Fun and Freeing.

   This lie is like comparing a grand feast served on fine china and crystal to a fast food meal served in plastic containers. Marriage being the grand feast and casual sex like the fast food meal.
   “Good sex which can be a healing agent over time – requires trust; trust which grows best in the life-long commitment of marriage”.

4. If You Don’t Express Your Sexuality Freely, You Must Be Repressed, Sick or Prudish.

   While this idea tends to have strong intimidation factors, the fact-based truth is,
   “premarital sex is bad for your emotional, physical and cultural health.” Among teenagers who were involved in premarital sexual activities it was disclosed in the February 1991 issue of the journal Pediatrics that these illnesses were prevalent:

   • Alcohol abuse
   • Illicit drug use
   • Difficulty/trouble in school
   • Depression
   • Low self esteem
   • Attempted suicide

   The physical illnesses we have discussed: STDs and pregnancy. However an area many don’t realize is the cultural ills premarital intimacy can deliver. “Cultures that were more sexually permissive displayed less cultural energy, creativity, intellectual development, and a slower general cultural ascent…” (Reo Christianson, Christianity Today.
   February 19, 1982.

5. Sex Is Freedom.

   How can this be true? To believe you have to agree to the trends of society by living together before marriage because it is the “in” thing to do, or because it is “sophisticated”. is becoming a slave to a societal craze. One loses great freedom when they engage in any activity in order to impress the majority.

6. God Will Understand, This is the 21st Century.

   We have heard what the Almighty has to say on the topic of living together before matrimony. But to reiterate it once again, it is a solid, firm, unmovable…NO.

7. Abstinence Might Not Be Best, Why Wait?

   God has told us to wait until after the wedding vows are exchanged. This should be sufficient. But like all His commandments it does require trust. Many people vow they believe in God, but of this number only a small percent believe God. Believing in God and believing God, is a graphic difference for most people. To believe Him, means to trust Him. Since He is our Creator it isn’t even conceivable for Him to want anything but the best for us, His creation. He has been
   our Example in this area. His Word guides us into what is best for us physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. To live together before marriage is like opening a Pandora’s box allowing all types of sorrows and ills to fall upon us.

What Is the Beauty of Waiting?

Intimacy between a man and a woman is designed to be a beautiful experience but only within marriage. God designed it this way, and this is the way, a couple can receive God’s fullest blessing on their union.

“And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him…Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and join with his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:18 & 24 RKJV

Interestingly one Bible expert explained, “to be joined together” as being far more than a physical bond, it also includes emotional and spiritual. And “one flesh” means a total life-long commitment to the relationship. Only by marriage can this be achieved at the blessed level for which God designed it to be. Living together before marriage sadly misses all the joy, love, beauty that intimacy is designed to provide.