The inevitability, kismet, fate, destiny . . . can it really be changed by what we choose? Is it written in stone without choice or possibility? Or perhaps, it can be formed from the building blocks of our own choosing? Or are we at the mercy of the stars that control the events and decisions that happens within our own lives? Or perhaps, just perhaps, it is created and molded by the chain of events and by every choice that comes into our lives., could this be the actuality we now seek? Could these events and choices not only affect our destiny, but other destiny’s that are around us as well?
Obviously, there are some occurrences in our lives we cannot control, nor can any of our choices cause these events from happening. Yet, even still, there seems to be a divine presence, a higher power, that walks with us in our journey, helping us to manage the outcome that happens to us that has a greater, yes higher purpose,whether it is the joy of laughter or sorrowful tears of grief. Yes guiding us to learn the life lessons needed so our inner soul can evolve to a higher plain. Or could it be just a luck of the draw? Each one of us has pondered these questions at one time or another that forms our beliefs and influences our own created realities. Yes, these very questions have perplexed countless minds since the beginning of time.
How can we then truly grasp what decisions could truly make a difference for the outcome within our own lives? Is it possible to become lost in the wind’s echoes throughout the voice of time and space? Or is there a supreme being (that some of us call God) who influences our choices giving us purpose, filling our hearts with direction within our journey? Are we then, with the power of choice, able to make a memorable mark that will live throughout infinity? Or are all of these events merely by chance or accidents that occur without purpose? All of us have had these questions burn within our hearts, whether spoken out loud or kept hidden as treasured secrets.
In all my years of living , I have spoken my beliefs and perceptions on one Biblical reference that reflects this very thing. It is found in the new testament in Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My personal perception of this Biblical declaration of truth is that there is a higher reason and purpose to all things that come within many seasons.
It tells us that, “all things,” not just a few, will eventually work for our good. Yes, even our deepest sorrow by the tragedies that we journey through will work for our best. The promise that our higher power gives is that He/She will turn these events around for our own good and for the good of those that are within our own lives. Many times it’s believing without the evidence seen that each of us must embrace to find peace. In the bible in Hebrews 11:1 states that “Faith is the substance hoped for, the evidence not seen.” Those who can believe without seeing are truly blessed.
Often in living, we find ourselves in the violent winds of sorrow. This is where I found myself at the young age of 22 years. I was given the decision by my infant’ son’s life held in the balance. I signed a piece of paper that gave the doctors permission to removed little Jason’s life support. I was told if he gasped for breath even once, the machines would automatically reconnect and they would not be removed. His little brain did not have the capacity to understand that his lungs were not functioning, his brain thought that his body followed its command. So when they turned his life support off, he did not gasp for one little breath. After his death came, a compassionate woman doctor came to the family waiting room and said,”Cathy, sometimes healing happens on the other side, I am so sorry for your loss here today.”
I walked in the room where laid my tiny premature baby of two months of age. He looked so peaceful. I kissed his cold forehead and whispered, “Jason, it’s mommy, I will see you again, on a brand new day.” I turned and looked at Joe, Jason’s father, his knuckles pure white as he hung on the the door knob. I then felt the garment of Jesus as He walked by to take Jason’s spirit home. I felt a warm spirited light, so, n that moment I knew, life goes on that Jason merely changed his address, he lived in his new healthy body of the spirit.
I had no idea how many mothers in my future would be comforted. In years to come I would be surprised, very surprised to the comfort I would be able to give. All I knew in those moments was that my son was gone from his tiny diseased body. All I knew was the violent waves of sorrow. I walked out of that room where Jason’s body laid, I quickly noticed his nurse sobbing. I handed her a handkerchief as I walked out of the room, then the hospital. I was what seem to everyone remained emotionless, for I knew if I allowed these emotions to rush out of me, I might not ever recover to obtain and feel true happiness ever again.
Three days had passed, it was on December 16, 1977 I stood at the foot of my two month old son’s grave. My feet were planted upon the frozen ground of death, as my heart broke into countless pieces. I stood there thinking, “It’s so cold here, how cold little Jason would be in the darkness all alone.” My heart’s tears began spilling upon his grave where he was laid to rest,
All had left his grave site to give me moments alone. In silence my heart broke as I looked up at the sky and cried out, “Dear God, why? How could my baby’s death profit anyone? How could it profit my life and those around me? How God, please, how can this profit anything but a broken heart, a fractured soul? Oh Lord, God, How??” My whole world has been crushed and yet it would be years later until I could understand and see much more, for at this time, my vision of life was blinded by grief.
Years down the road, I would understand much more and I would learn that God would take that agony and cause great comfort for other mothers, whom my life would touch. The birth of my son and the earth-shattering pain I would have to suffer through his living and finally his death.
This would allow me to embrace the heart of other mothers who were facing the same fate as I did with an ocean of tears of grieving sorrow. I knew my little Jason would heal much sorrow for these mothers, yes even beyond his own death. I knew then, the meaning of the name Jason was not mere coincidence, for Jason, a Greek name meaning, “one who heals.” Yes, Jason’s little life in years ahead would come to impact a multitude of lives. What Jason taught me personally was to reach for the stars and to keep focused on my inspired hopes and aspirations. Yes, he taught me just to dare to dream.
As the years passed I was able to become a part in other mother’s lives as they were drowning in their own oceans of sorrow because of the deaths of their own babies. Because of this, Jason’s spirit still lives and smiles. His smile shines a warm light not just in my heart but in many hearts. With this in mind, I can see his smiling eyes that shine upon my path as I walk within my journey. With this in mind, I have concluded that every event we suffer through, every joy we declare, every time we celebrate life, we are formed into who we are mapped us to become.
Through these events in our lives, our eyes and hearts can open to understand the message of our own truth in living. Now, I am not telling you that it is always an easy, smooth road to travel, on no, quite the contrary. I lived years struggling with the thought of did I make the right choices, or could I have made a decision that would have changed the happening of outcome. What is I made the wrong decision? For years the guilt of my choices haunted me. Finally, years later, I knew there was no other choice to be made.
There is one thing I have kept close to my heart, if I got through it, others can too. I will always be there until my last breath to comfort other mothers who have grave sorrow in their lives. To teach them that we can survive the sadness and reach out to others who need to be pulled out of the quicksand of sorrow. This I know is my truth, this I know is my journey, thanks to my son, Jason, “one who heals”.
What Jason has shown me is that “death is the dawn of living.” I never understood that phrase until recently. My life has been enriched for knowing Jason, my little Jason, just two months old lives and remains timeless, he continues on to heal the hearts of many. Oh yes, Jason, the “one who heals.”
You can find this and more in my book, “Timeless Reflections, an empowered belief of meditations” Feel free to also email me with any questions or more information on this subject that you might have, find me, Cathy L Kaiser in facebook.com