God has given me so much. Before I came to know him and after. I give thanks and praise for his message of love, life, and hope, but mostly love. I feel I am obligated to share my testimony with you so that the insight into life I feel I have been given will be spread. Consider this a payment towards the infinite debt I owe the Lord.
I always considered myself a regular, normal, type of person until an illness destroyed life as I knew it. When I was twenty years old , after my second year of college, I went crazy. When I say crazy I mean completely and totally severed from reality and myself. My delusions of grandeur were such that I spent money I had no reason to think I had. I thought I was God, Satan, invisible, a vampire, werewolf, were tiger. Needless to say, I was very close to death on several occasions. I could drone on and on and on with stories and useless words that would attempt to describe indescribable fear, terror, hopelessness, and love that dominated my early twenties but that would take too long. Any attempt would be in vain anyway. The point is that I was so far gone that no one could help me. The doctors gave me medicine that made me functional and at least I appeared sane. But I wasnt. Something was haunting me. Under the surface I was a train wreck. Paranoia and terrible thoughts dominated my waking hours. Life was almost unbearable. So I filled myself with sleep, marijuana and alcohol. I existed like this for years. I even graduated from college Then, out of desperation, I turned to God. It wasnt that I didnt believe before. Im not sure how to say it. I just gave up. I couldnt do it alone anymore.
In retrospect, I see this moment clearly: I am by myself ,on my knees, in front of my desk in the middle of the night. This was just over one year ago. I began to read the bible. I read through most of the new testament and I liked it. I wasnt a believer, but I agreed. Then last March,07, something happened to me that would change my life forever.
One night, I went to the Mason Lodg. While I was waiting for the meeting to start I heard a voice in my ear say Hey. I whipped my head around to see who was talking to me. Nobody was there except for some guy I did not know and he was reading. So, I ignored it as I often do when things like that happen to me. This has become my prime defense against relapse because I have had so many delusions and hallucinations that I cannot always trust my senses. After the ceremony started I began to have a severe headache. I went home, took my medicine, and went to bed. I awoke to the television. It was turned to the Christian channel and there was a televangelist raving about casting a demon out of some woman. He claimed that demons flee from the mention of the lords name. I never listen to these guys and this time was no different. I turned off the television and went about my day. Most of the morning was wasted searching for a real job that I didnt want in the first place. I didnt feel very well. I was very scatterbrained and unsettled.
I went outside and sat on the ground on the front porch. It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was shining, it was warm and there was a nice breeze. I closed my eyes. I dont know for certain why I said what I said next, but I am sure glad I did.
I said, Demon, I know youre in there, and I know what you want to do to me but you are not going to be able to because I am not going to let you. In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast you out. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave my body. I went on like this for around ten seconds. The wind began to blow. My knees began to shake violently and my voice quivered with nervousness. Yet strangely, inside I was calm and even empowered. I felt the urge to speak louder, but I didnt out of fear that my neighbors might hear me doing something crazy. After about thirty seconds I felt something in the pit of my stomach. It began to move up and as it got to my chest my voice got very low, lower than I can make my voice go. It wasnt my voice! This thought scared me so I stopped talking. The front porch all around me began to creak loudly (My front porch doesnt creak). I felt that there was something next to me. With all the strength I had, I said, Be Gone.
At that moment I slumped down. I felt fantastic! My constantly aching back felt like I had just been given a wonderful massage. My mind was peaceful; serenity cleared the discord from my head and a divine bliss filled my entire being. I was healed! Freed! For the rest of the afternoon heaven lived in my backyard. I cried as I am now and thanked Jesus as I am now.
Since this healing, I have been wonderful. I understand the nature of my illness much better. I continue to take my medicine because I believe I still need it. I can sleep with the lights off now. I can go out in public without feeling nervous. The racing mind and haunting terrible thoughts have ceased. Most importantly, I am not afraid to live anymore. This experience has been the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. To this day when I think about it I cry out of sheer joy, but I cry mostly because I didnt even deserve it. Now I am happily awaiting the many, even more beautiful things that are there for me so long as I continue to be receptive, accepting, open minded and continue to put Jesus first in my life.