Some husbands are simply like that – mean, disrespectful, and wife-beaters. And some women stay with them too, despite all that. Some husbands never get it together in their lives, and if there’s anything they do well, it’s dragging their wives – and indeed their entire families – down with them. It is perhaps hardest to deal with them when they come around to apologize; and looking into the eyes of the sorry perpetrator their wives can see that they really mean it, that their apology is genuine. And so the wife gives them another chance… and another, and another, until one day, sadly, they may not have any further chances to give because they could very well be dead.
What makes a man do things like that? And they do too, some men. More importantly, when is it OK to leave his sorry backside and hit the road? It must be said, that this article is a piece for Christians – followers of Christ and folks who really care about the will of God and fulfilling it. The answers here are likewise questions, but all of them drawn from what the ‘Word of God’ says and how they are understood. The effort is not to mislead but to educate; not to impose, but to create an avenue to ask and answer questions… based on scripture.
Truth is, a number of human – and even Christian – practices today are a far cry from what scripture says, which indicates, as the Bible puts it, that “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Indeed, we all have sinned and fall short because we rarely remember simple lines in the Bible such as this one from 1 Peter 3: 1-6. What it says is:
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear… the hidden man of the heart… which is not corruptible, …a meek and quiet spirit… For after this manner in the old time the holy women also… adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands…“
It’s a simple but tough truth, but the Word makes it even clearer when it is laid out like that in black and white. When is it OK for a wife to leave a lying cheating husband who beats on her and disrespects her? When is it ok to kick him to the curb and get on the next bus out of town? When does God think you really have done all that is humanly possibly and now you deserve the break?
It looks from this biblical excerpt that the answer is ‘never.’ It is a bitter pill, and not one that today’s emancipated and independent woman – even (especially) the Christian woman. Women have been seen beaten and battered to death, but it appears that the Bible is saying here that even when the husband is not obeying the word, she’s to continue submitting to him… so that her attitude (or conversation) would be the thing that eventually gets him.
Anyone seen Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman? Anyone? Except that, she took it all – all the abuse from the man – and she was kind back to him, but eventually she left him for another guy. It does seem now, though, that a scenario like that, even despite the humiliation the lady went through and the suffering she had to put up with… that kind of scenario can only be considered as going half the distance.
The question does arise: what if he’s a psychopath, or worse, a sociopath? What if he’s the kind of guy whom the wife has prayed repeatedly for but who still would not stop triffling in addition to everything else? What kind of Good Book would suggest that one stay in a relationship like that, much less a marriage? The answer to that one would be, perhaps the same book that says “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21); same book that says “Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them who despitefully use you.” That same passage in Matthew Chapter 5 goes on to ellaborate by everybody in the world can be nice back to people who are nice to them, and can give to people who give to them… but loving the person who is impossible to love, going one further when there is no justification to do so, that’s the real thing that sets the ‘Child of God’ apart from the rest of the world. A normal person with normal human emotions and disposition could never possibly do something like this… but the interesting thing is that God is not expecting them to! No! He says “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me… for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” and “My grace is sufficient for you.”
Anyone can rationalize it all they want – maybe even bring in human emotion and social, moral and political correctness into the picture, but the words in the book are precisely what they are – they’re not changing anytime soon.
The truth is often bitter, and more often than not it is not an easy pill to swallow. But there has got to be a deeper meaning to marriage vows that go “for richer for poorer, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part!” Till death?! What were they thinking when they came up with those words? Were they high on something… or were they not? Could it be that whomever conjured those vow words out of some dark recesses of their mind had a deeper undertanding and appreciation for what marriage is supposed to be than humans generally have now?
It is a fact that neither male nor female is designed to be alone – not by God, nature, evolution, or natural selection. Babies are made only when male and female meet; the female reproductive organ can’t even hardly be pleasured without the insertion of some projectile, and the male can’t be excited either without an orifice to excite it. More than that, there is a vacuum in every heart that yearns for the companionship of the other, so there really isn’t any question about the fact that man and woman are meant to be together. But how far does together go? And at what point has it gone far enough?
Cover of Holy Bible: 10th Anniversary Edition
It would seem, that when it is love, and when it is marriage, there’s never anything like too far or far enough. But then again, this is an opinion – one based on an old book that nobody believes in anymore. You could give yours in a comment at the bottom of this article.
very deep and thought ful read , thanks
There are a lot of people who still live their lives under the authority of that dusty old book. Looking back at my article, I didn’t say enough about abusive marriages. It is a topic that needs to be handled very delicately, not easily discussed in general terms – I don’t think we can make blanket statements like “Christian wives have to live with their husbands no matter how much he abuses her.”
The “out” that many Christians will point to as evidence that God does allow divorce is Matthew 5:32 – “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”
I don’t think that the Bible specifically addresses the situation of abuse in marriage. It is a tough call to make. I can hardly see any Christian counselor or pastor with a modicum of compassion advising women to stay with an abusive husband. But I know that some churches would say that she has to stay because the Bible says so. I think that’s harsh. God hates divorce, but he gave provisions through Moses that protected a divorced woman – because of the hardness of men’s hearts.
There is a saying that churches are more forgiving of a man who murders his wife and then repents than of a man who divorces his wife and then repents.
As I said, this is a delicate topic, and I obviously don’t know the right, Biblical answer to the question.
Thank good, my husband is a good man.
And I thank God for you too – there are many who strive for that kind of praise from their wives. Sadly, too few ever get it.
What to do when your husband is no-good?
Love him?
Hmmm.
I understand why some women keep staying in an abusive marriages, some are dependent financially and cannot afford to feed her children once she choose to separate from a no-good husband.