Published by I was in my darkest hour when I called out to my Lord. Save me Lord from my sin. No scratch that, I wasn’t in my darkest hour, I was in control of my life. I was living well. My family isn’t as dysfunctional as most families are. My grades were good, friends plenty, money comes in greater than I spend. My husband is kind and loving, and my children are healthy and polite. I am healthy and in control, life is good.
Ahh, my sin. It could be pride, self-reliance, and gossip to name a few. Not enough to captivate an audience. My testimony isn’t going to cause Goosebumps, tears, and heart felt change. Let me tell you my testimony and you can confirm my bold statement. My testimony is of no use to anyone.
I grew up going to church. I don’t know if my parents had a relationship with God, but we went to church each week eager to see our friends. I heard all the rules I needed to follow and to be a good person, I followed those rules. I followed those rules and life was good.
Thou shalt not kill, I didn’t. Thou shalt not commit adultery, I didn’t. You know the 10 commandments, I didn’t break them. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, nope not me, I don’t worship Buddha or any other idol.
I felt that I had a relationship with God, but I really didn’t pay attention to one key theme-the relationship part.
I went for years thinking I was a good person who didn’t have a need for God. Not like those who committed real sins or those who suffered a really hard life. I mean I was living the good life. I didn’t need God for me to get through one day or a hardship that came my way. I didn’t have many hardships other than maybe a bad hair cut that made me mad for a few weeks. I didn’t need God, I was strong and I was not like those weak people suffering. I am Strong!
I continued going to church on Sundays, and on one particular Sunday the preacher was teaching us about the beatitudes. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
While I thought about how great those rewards will be, my stomach began to feel horrible. What’s the matter with me? The preacher began to share how we have to read the Beatitudes in order to know what we will receive if we believe. He told us to turn to John 3:16-21. I turned to that passage-God so loved-light comes to darkness-men loved darkness-everyone who does evil hates the light.
My mind was racing, my heart was beating fast and my stomach was killing me. But I don’t do evil things. I am not perfect, but I am not evil either. I don’t understand why I was feeling so ill. Maybe it was the flu or something that I ate. I decided to put those thoughts aside.
A few weeks later, we learn about strongholds. I don’t understand what he is talking about when he refers to all of us having strongholds. I don’t do any major sins, my strongholds aren’t compulsive shopping, drugs or gambling. I am able to handle things on my own.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
It is not a matter of having a horrendous and dramatic story. It’s about having the strength to admit you need help from the Lord. Its not about making your sins an interesting story. It is about making sure that no matter what does or doesn’t happen in your life, you need God. You need to know God and you need to submit yourself to God. Submit to God’s will and not your own.
Do you know how hard it is to submit to someone you can’t see when you can’t see your need for Him. Everything is well and good and how do you determine you need help when you can’t see that need.
That’s what I struggled with the most. I didn’t go to drugs, alcohol or sex to deal with things in my life. I relied on myself. Relying on myself alone was how I dealt with anything that happened. I wish I had a traumatic event that brought me to my knees and asking God for salvation. I didn’t have that experience, I had a good life. I had to see my sin, my stronghold was my pride, my self-reliance and judging others. I judged what their sins were by the struggles they were going through. I prided myself on my self-reliance. I had the sin of pride. I wish I had gone to drugs or shopping as my sin. I had pride and self-reliance and how do you admit you need to give up your self in order to be made right in God’s eyes.
I was still experiencing stomachaches and a racing heart every time I thought about having to give up my pride and self-reliance. I knew that I had to give it up to God. I had to let God take care of me even when it seemed like there was no reason to give any thing over to God. I had to give it up and I couldn’t. I had not experienced any extremely bad experience where I fell on my knees. I needed to give my heart over to God, but….
But there is no excuse for me not to give my heart over to God. Once I know that to deny God is sin, I was guilty of the worst sin ever. I knew that I needed a relationship with God and to deny that was a death sentence, I needed to repent. I needed to repent and know that I have the guarantee of eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him will have eternal life. That means that even if I never had a rebellion period, never had traumatic episodes in my life, or suffered as much as any other person, God still wants me to believe in His Son and have eternal life.
Oh God, how can it be,
That you would love a Little sinner like me.
I didn’t do drugs, drink or have sex with others,
I am loved dearly by my friends, father, and mother.
Sometimes I think of something bad,
And at times make others feel hurt and sad.
My sins aren’t as great as it could be,
My testimony isn’t much for others to see.
How can I influence others to see your grace?
How can they see your love in my heart space?
My dear precious child don’t you see,
My son is very precious to you and me.
He died for you and your every sin,
You don’t have to suffer much for grace to begin.
Your story doesn’t have to be dramatic for it to be told,
Because no matter what you go through, my grace is for you to hold.
