Published by As many of you may know my mother passed away when i was 2 years old and while I have not ever really wanted for anything thanks to my wonderful father ( the earthly one and the heavenly one) I can’t help but to feel sometimes like I have been robbed of so much.
I have been thinking about her so much lately, wondering what she was like. Did she like to read, What was her favorite thing to eat, her favorite piece of clothing. I do know that she loved her kids so very very much; my twin, my brother and my baby sister and I.
I am really just throwing out thoughts as I type, but the biggest thing that comes to mind when I think about her and how she was taken from my life way to soon is; what would my life be like if she was still here. What would my life be like if I could have told her about the 1st time I had a crush, the 1st time I was asked to be someone’s girlfriend, the 1st time I went to a party, my 1st date, the 1st time my heart was broken, the 1st time I decided what I wanted to do with my life, etc.. What would my life be like if death were not such a big part of it.
Since I was born I have had a close relationship with death, the person closest to me was taking before she and I even left our mother’s womb and then my baby sister who was 13 months younger than us was taken suddenly and finally my mother who I believed really died of a broken heart. Why is the reaper so comfortable around me?
As I right this I realize that death’s presecnce is not one of the negative but I am seeing that it could very well be of the positive, I would not be as strong as I am today if death had not come stealing. I am thankful for everyone that God has placed in my life, although they could never replaced my loved ones, they all help to keep things in perspective for me. It because of all those people I call friends ( and i don’t just give that title easily) are a mirror for me reflecting different parts of me and who I am, not only in their lives but in society as a whole.
Would I be able to appreciate and respect the institution of family so much had I not loss so many of the members of my own? It is b/c I know death so very well that I can respect the notion of living life as if you only have the next 6 months to live, never hesitating to tell someone you love them and showing it even more. I can appreciate being bold enough to make the 1st move and trusting your gut or instinct.
As I write this I realize that I must do my very best to not put off for tomorrow what I can do today. I love my mother with all my heart and sometimes I feel my twin’s presence with me, that half of me that is missing, but the best thing is their deaths will never ever be taken lightly by me. I never got to know my mother but my love for her is no different for those who will grow old with their mothers and that is a great example of unconditional love.
People always feel sorry for me b/c I lossed my mother at such an early age, but one thing I always tell them is that God did not forsake me though, b/c I have the best dad in the whole world. He is a man amongst men he is what every young man should strive to be (especially those with children). And please don’t feel sorry for me b/c I know that through all of this God is building and setting me up for something so grand even I can not take it all in.
It would be so easy to hate God for robbing me of so much culture and the oppotunity to grow up in a bilingual house hold, but I can never be upset with my God for allowing me all the great opportunities I have had set before me and for placing so many wonderful wonderful people in my life. I am so prepared to share all of my blessings with those who helped me when it was hard and watched me fake strong when i was weak( but they never pointed it out), for giving me such a grand testimony and that is what I am a testimony. When you feel as though there is not much more that can be taken from you you will be blessed with so much you will not have room for it all.
But the best part is I do have room I have so much room for those of you who have loved me unconditionally and never ever passed judgement upon me, you know who you are. Thank you all for sharing some of my pain and thinking of me when you did not have to. I will always have room in my heart for you.
I look forward to starting a family of my own and I just pray that I will be the kinda mother to my kids and the kinda wife to my husband as my mother was for her family. I strive everyday to do my very best to make her proud b/c I know there is not a moment that goes by that they are not watching over me.
If you ever wonder why the Lord left you standing when all the rest had fallen, why were you still standing, it is b/c like so many in the Bible he is setting you apart b/c he has something great in store for you that is only for you and it is when you are alone that he will reveal those strengths. Allow God to set you apart even when it comes to family; grieve a little while and then let go; look around you and see all the wonderful blessings. I love you all and thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.
