Published by Sophomore year was the first time I came across the question: What is the meaning of life? I was not able to embrace existence like an existentialist. For a while I felt that life had no purpose and the core of existence was nothing. Although I say I am a Christian, I postulated the existence of the transcendent force, God. In this aspect, I held existentialist thoughts that an individual was entirely free. The freedom was what created my agony towards searching for the meaning of life. There were no bounderies for me to find a meaning. It was like searching for a light switch in a huge dark room. Whenever I thought about death, my heart sank into my stomach. If everyone was going to die, then what was the point of trying to excel in life?
The meaning of life was absurd to me, just like it is to an existentialist. There was no scientific or mathematical proof that could tell me where one would go after they die, or why they were created onto this earth. The only thing I had to embrace was the axiom that everything living must one day die. With all these absurd questions in mind, I felt extremely agonized and therefore wanted to set out my guidelines to life. What I set for myself would be true, and I would believe in those moral codes.
I wanted to create a meaning in my life, therefore I, like a theistic existentialist will have faith in God despite doubt. I doubted some miraculous stories in the Christian bible, but one thing I strongly believed in was creation. I had faith and believed fully that God created us and that he put us on earth for a special reason. Because if not for God, how can such magnificent creatures be created. Even the start of evolution, the first bacteria must be created by God. I don’t believe in the idea that our world could suddenly form through the Big Bang. Because the Big Bang idea is so controversial and does not have definite proof, this gave me even more faith to not believe in the science of creation.
Although God created us, this did not mean that God is helping us to find the purpose in our own lives. Everyone’s obligation is to find their own purpose in life. We have to find the meaning of our existence. Because I was so lost, I gave myself a purpose which was to be able to help many people who are in need. Therefore I am basing my education major as well as my future job on helping others.
Due to my faith towards the Christian God, an afterlife also came with that as a package. I believe that if we were put onto earth for a reason, then why would we eternally die after all our experiences. To me, everyone has an essence after their existence as Keirkegard had mentioned in his theories. I believe that the material world is just a stage in our life to prepare us for the supernatural world. Although I don’t have any idea what the task of our supernatural world would be. I believe God will be the one guiding us through it. With my strong faith and passion in the Christian God, I am able to stick to the theistic beliefs in Christianity.
Humans are not essentially good or evil because I believe that good and evil are simply artificial constructs. To me, a person becomes either good or evil due to the way they were raised. One’s life environment overshadows ones values on life. For example, if someone was raised in a family who treated him/her badly. The person may adopt their parent’s negative personality. Therefore someone being good or evil is developed during ones existence compared with ones essence.
By being able to understand myself and give myself guidelines to my life, I am able to intensely be involved in living my life. Existentialism is reflected through my direction in life. Because being able to embrace existing and to be able to hold the meaning of my existence shows that I am in that way an existentialist. I have doubts towards Christianity but I still have faith in it, therefore I am a theistic existentialist.
