Jews: PoCuliticians The late, great Churchill & Ben Disraeli were British Prime Ministers. Disreali said, “We belong to a race which can do anything, but fail.” Ariel Sharon, Joe Liberman: (D, Conn.) & 2000 V.P. Candidate, former NYC Council President C. Bellamy, current Councilman Dov Hikind, Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz, Andrew Stein, Al Hevisi, Ruth Messinger, Bella Abzug, Manachem Begin, Senators Barbara Boxer (D) California, current & former NYS A. General Elliott Spitzer & Robert Abrams, Sheldon Silver (Speaker of the House of Reps) Al Spector, Mark Green, Carol Berman (D) NY-retired, Carl Levin (D-MI), Jacob Javits (D) NY, Congressman Barney Frank (D) Mass., Barry Goldwater (D) NY are. Israeli officials Golda Meir, David Ben Gurion, Ithzik Shamir are. So is Frank Lautenberg –former NJ Governor, Al Greenspan- Federal Reserve Chair, former Secretary-of-States Dr. H. Kissinger & Madeline Albright & Secretary of Labor Dr. Rob Reich are too. After President Clinton appointed Albright it was publicized that her grandparents converted to Catholicism during WW II. Cincinnati, Ohio, P., Oregon & NYC Mayors Jerry Springer, Vera Katz, Ed Koch, F. Laguardia, Abe Beame & Michael Bloomberg are.
Moses was a great Jewish spiritual leader too. Abraham’s the father of the world’s three big religions: Judaism, Christianity & Islam Few people know Theodore Herzl & Leo Pinsker: founded Zionism. Jesus founded Christianity. Father & son, Kings David & Solomon were.
So are many successful people in all walks of life are. The-late, Sandra Feldman: President of the United and American Federation of Teachers. Albert Shanker was UFT President. Randi Weingarten is now. Freud, the father of modern psychology said, “I am a Jew, and it always seemed to me not only shameless, but downright senseless to deny it.”
Financiers such as Isaac Goldsmid, Nathan Rothschild, David Salomon & Moses Montefiore’s fortunes helped England become an empire.
137 NOBEL WINNERS- 0.2% OF WORLD’S POPULATION-14.1 Million Jews
Of the 660 Nobel prizes from 1901-1990, 160 have been won by Jews. In the end, Jews win more Nobel prizes than any other ethnicity. They win 40x more than should be expected of them, based upon their relatively small population numbers. They are (10 ) Literature:1910 – Paul Heyse, 1927- Henri Bergson, 1958- Boris Pasternak, 1966-Shmuel Yosef Agnon, 1966-Nelly Sachs, 1976-Saul Bellow, 1978-Isaac Singer 1981-Elias Canetti, 1987-Joe Brodsky, 1991 – Nadine Gordimer. (8)_World Peace: 1911 – Al Fried, 1911 – Tobias Michael Carel Asser, 1968 – Rene Cassin, 1973 – Dr. H. Kissinger, 1986-Elie Wiesel, 1994-S. Peres (Current Israeli Prime Minister), 1978-M. Begin &-Y. Rabin-1994 (former Israeli Prime Ministers, Rabin was assassinated in 11/95 by Yigal Amir, an Israel). (22) Chemistry: 1905-Adolph Baeyer, 1906- Henri Moissan, 1910-Otto Wallach, 1915-Rich Willstaetter, 1918-Fritz Haber, 1943-George Charles de Hevesy, 1961-Mel Calvin, 1962-Max Perutz, 1972- Will Stein, 1977-Ilya Prigogine, 1979-Herb Brown, 1980-Paul Berg, 1980-Walt Gilbert, 1981-Ron Hoffmann, 1982-Aaron Klug, 1985-Al Hauptman, 1985-Jer Karle, 1986- Dudley Herschbach, 1988-Rob Huber, 1989-Sid Altman, 1992- Rudolph Marcus, 2000-Al Heeger (13 ) Economics:1970- Paul Samuelson, 1971-Simon Kuznets,1972-Ken Arrow 1975-Leonid Kantorovich, 1976-Milt Friedman, 1978-Herb Simon, 1980-Larry Klein, 1985-Franco Modigliani, 1987- Rob Solow, 1990-Harry Markowitz, 1990- Merton Miller, 1992-Gary Becker, 1993 Rober Fogel. (53 ) Medicine:1908- Elie Metchnikoff, 1908-Paul “magic bullet” Erlich cured Syphilis, 1914-Rob Barany, 1922-Otto Meyerhof, 1930-Karl Landsteiner, 1931-Otto Warburg, 1936-Otto Loewi, 1944-Joe Erlanger, 1944-Herb Gasser, 1945-Ernst Chain, 1946-Herman Muller, 1950-Tadeus Reichstein, 1952-Selman Waksman, 1953-Hans Krebs, 1953-Fritz Lipmann, 1958-Joshua Lederberg, 1959-Art Kornberg, 1964-Konrad Bloch, 1965-Francois Jacob, 1965-Andre Lwoff, 1967-George Wald, 1968-Marshall Nirenberg,1969-Sal Luria, 1970-Julius Axelrod, 1970-Sir Bernard Katz, 1972-Gerald Edelman, 1975-Dave Baltimore, 1975-Howard Temin, 1976- Baruch Blumberg, 1977- Rosalyn Yalow, 1978-Dan Nathans, 1980-Baruj Benacerraf, 1984-Cesar Milstein, 1985-Michael Brown, 1985-Joe Goldstein, 1986-Stan Cohen & Rita Levi- Montalcini], 1988- Gertrude Elion, 1989- Hal Varmus, 1991- Erwin Neher, 199- Bert Sakmann, 1993- Rich Roberts, 1993 -Phil Sharp, 1994-Al Gilman, 1995-Ed Lewis. (31 ) Physics: 1907-Al Michelson, 1908-Gabriel Lippmann, 1921-A. Einstein-1922, who said, “Today every Jew feels that to be a Jew means to bear a serious responsibility, not only to his own community, but toward humanity.”, Niels Bohr, 1925- James Franck, 1925-Gustav Hertz, 1943-Gustav Stern, 1944-Isidor Rabi, 1952-Felix Bloch, 1954-Max Born, 1958-Igor Tamm, 1959-Emilio Segre, 1960- Don Glaser, 1961-Robert Hofstadter, 1962-Lev Davidovich Landau, 1965-Rich Phillips, Feynman, 1965-Julian Schwinger, 1969-Murray Gell-Man, 1971-Dennis Gabor, 1973-Brian Josephson, 1975-Ben Mottleson, 1976-Burt Richter, 1978-Arno Penzias, 1978-Peter Kapitza, 1979-Stephen Weinberg, 1979-Sheldon Glashow, 1988-Leon Lederman, 1988-Mel Schwartz, 1988-Jack Steinberger, 1990-Jerome Friedman, 1995- Martin Perl.” (Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., Chicago, Ill., Britannica Book of the Year, 1999)
Eight ARAB/ISLAMIC NOBEL WINNERS-19.6% of World’s Population-1.2 billion Muslims
Literature:1957 Albert Camus; 1988 – Najib Mahfooz 1988;.Peace:1978 – Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat; 1994 – Yaser Arafat
Chemistry: 1990 Elias James Corey, 1999 – Ahmed Zewail; Medicine:1960 Peter Brian Medawar, 1998 Ferid Mourad.
1. Lillian Friedman married Cruz Rivera. They named their son Geraldo Miguel Rivera. (Funny, it doesn’t sound Jewish….)
Since, according to Judaic Law, anyone born to a Jewish ma is a Jew, Geraldo Rivera is one.
So is F. Laguardia. He spoke seven languages–including Hebrew & Yiddish-fluently. His mom’s name was Jacobson. His dad was not Jewish
Churchill was too. His mom’s name was Jenny Jerome.
4. Cary Grant was. His mom, Elsie, was Jewish. His dad, Elias Leach, was not. Grant’s original name was. (Robin Leach is his first cousin).
5. Peter Sellers’ mom, Margaret Marks, was Jewish. His dad, Bill Sellers, was Protestant. Peter’s real name is Richard Henry Sellers.
6. D. Bowie’s mom’s a Jew, his dad isn’t. One of his album covers discusses his Jewish ancestry. His real name: David Stenton Haywood-Jones.
7. Robert DeNiro’s mother is Jewish; his father is not.
8. Shari Belafonte’s mother is Jewish. Her father, Harry, has a Jewish grandfather.
9. Olivia Newton-John’s Jewish grandfather was a Nobel Prize winning physicist.
10. Harrison Ford’s mother is a Russian- Jew. His father is Irish-Catholic.
ALWAYS GOOD TO KNOW AND REMEMBER!
Fact: Emile Berliner developed the modern-day phonograph. While Edison was working out a type of phonograph that used a cylinder as a record, Berliner invented a machine that would play a disc. It was patented & called the gramophone, and the famous RCA trademark is a picture of a dog listening to “his master’s voice” on Berliner’s device.
The Gramophone was superior to Edison’s machine. In short, Berliner made possible the modern record industry. His company was eventually absorbed by the Victor Talking Machine Co., now known as RCA.
Fact: Jews comprise a mere 1/4 of 1% (13 million) of the world’s population (6 billion).
Fact: 99% of the world is non Jewish.
News & sportscasters, meteorologists, radio & TV talk show hosts, Newspaper executives, artists, singers, playwrights & movie critics
Penny Crone, Sara L. Kessler, Ron Kuby, the late radio talk show host Dr. Bernard Meltzer, Dennis Prager, Barry Farber, Al Dershowutz, Adrienne Berg, Jay Diamond, W. Ekstein, Joel Siegel, Warner Wolf, Len Berman, Howard Stern, Frank & Storm Field, Heraldo Rivera, Drs. Laura Schlesinger, “Cousin” Brucie Morrow –famous oldies Disc Jockey, Ruth Westhimer, Ira and Howard Magaziner, John Savage (best selling author too), Joan Hamburg. David Kaplan is Editor of Time Magazine. “Stan Lee (Stan Lieber) & Jack Kirby ((Jacob Kurtzburg) created-The Marvel Superheroes. Fantastic Four’s Thing was named Ben Jacob Grimm (Kirby and his Orthodox dad’s Jewish names). He drew The Thing wearing a yarmulke and prayer shawl for his home. They employed quintessential Jewish theme, A new book on the subject entitled, ”Up, Up & Oy Vey!” (Oh, My) was written by Rabbi Simcha Weinstein. It sold nearly all- of its first 5, 000 copy run. It contends that many writers & artists of comics were Jews & drew upon their heritage when creating characters & stories. Jewish history’s full of heroes & villains: Sampson & Pharaoh. Judaism’s rich in stories of morality & spirituality.
Many- post WW 2 comic creators were very young, not savvy/well read. So-they drew upon their life experiences.
Michael Chabon wrote the Pulitzer Winner “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Klay” about the link between superheroes & Jewish –Theology beginning with a book with a riff on the mythical Jewish avenger, The Golem, who’s made of clay . It’s being made into a movie. (Was There a Driving Theological Force Behind Spiderman? Sam Friedman, NY Times Metro Section, B5, Saturday, 9/23/06.)
Jerome Siegel & Joe Shuster are & created Superman. They used El, as a suffix in Jorel & Kalel because they are in many Biblical names. So is the common use of masks & false identities, akin to Esther: heroine in the Purim story, who employs an alias in Persian society.
Martin Nodell is & created the Green Lantern. So is Bob Cane, creator of Batman. The Bat cave’s likened to Machpelah: the Cave of the Patrarchs in Hebron, where the Bible says Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Rebecca & Leah are buried. (In- an- interview- shortly –before- his- death- in- 20?? Kane said he was also inspired by Zorro when he created Batman. The Bat cave, mask, cape and dual identity came from Zorro).
Norm Rosenbaum sang the 1973 hit song “Sprit in the Sky.”
The late, great, Adolf Zukor:built first theatre to be used solely to show motion pictures. C. Grant (Archibald Al Leach). Flo Ziegfield, of “Ziegfield Follies,” created American burlesque. Emile Berliner is the man who developed the modern-day phonograph. Dr. Abe Waksman: coined the term antibiotics. I. Berlin: composer of the hit song “White Christmas”. J. Orbach, Al Lewis, Casimir Funk: pioneered a new field of medical research: vitamins. G. Burns, M. Cohen, Matt Dylan, Mel Blanc, H. Stone, S.Tucker, H. Cosell, S. Bond, B. Friedman: founder of The National Organization for Women, M. Kahn, Z. Mostel, E. Merman, Lenny Bruce, Gilda Radner, Marx Bros., Sandy Kofaux, Sam Levinson, Gabby Hoffman, D. Kaye, I. Asimov & Eli Werisel (authors), M. Landon (Eugene Horowitz), Al Jolson, M. Twain (Sam Clemmens), R. Dangerfield, Ed G. Robinson, Red Buttons, D. Fairbanks, B. Hacket, A. Kaufman, Al King, Ed Fisher, P. Silvers, P. Sellers, M. Berle, A. L. Webber, composer G. Gershwin was too. W. Wasserman won a Tony for “Heidi Chronicles.” It was the first time a woman had won the prize solo. She was also a NY Drama Critics Circle & Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.-& -member- of- the- Jewish –Theater- Group.
There are various Jewish Magazines & newspapers such as The Forward: a weekly paper published in NYC in English & Yiddish. Jewish Weekly & Times are national papers.
Jewish Book Council
“The biggest thing is to get that kind of recognition from your peers and your community,” says Samuel G. Freedman, 47, a former New York Times reporter and journalism professor at Columbia University who won the 2000 nonfiction award for Jew vs. Jew: The Struggle for the Soul of American Jewry.
This year’s 53rd annual awards reception will be held in December at the Center for Jewish History in New York. Though the awards officially started in 1948, their origins stem from a Jewish book week that began in the mid ’20s. The week grew into a month, held in the springtime to coincide with the Jewish scholar’s holiday, Lag B’omer. By the early ’40s the book month was shifted closer to the secular book-buying season in the fall, and now usually takes place one month before Hanukah.
“The goal of the awards is to heighten awareness of the best books on Jewish topics each year,” says Carolyn Starman Hessel, director of the Jewish Book Council, which administrates the awards.
The Jewish Book Council (which is a partner of JBooks.com), developed as an outgrowth of the book month under the Jewish Welfare Board, a rabbinical association established to help Jewish servicemen. The council publishes the Jewish Book Annual, a compilation of essays, and Jewish Book World, a catalogue listing of the latest books. Their latest venture is the Jewish Book Network, a group for book fair organizers.
Over the awards’ history, acclaimed authors such as Philip Roth, Herman Wouk, and Cynthia Ozick have been honored with Literary Achievement Awards. Writers and publishers from across the world enter books in various categories, some of which receive more than 70 entries. The submissions must deal with Jewish subject matter, although authors of any religion may be considered. Panels of judges, including community members, select winners over the summer and announce them just before Jewish Book Month. In addition to recognition, winners receive money and a plaque.
Most importantly, though, the awards increase book sales/catch public attention. Book council members say. Libraries and publishers seek out prizewinning authors when looking for new material. And over the years, the secular world has given higher esteem to the National Jewish Book Awards, says Marcia Weiss Posner, a member of the Book Council’s board of directors. “It’s not a little private get-together anymore,” Posner says. “It’s an official award and it has been copied by other organizations.” Winning the honor gave author Norman H. Finkelstein, of Framingham, Mass., an insight into the niche market, especially at the awards ceremony. “It’s like a who’s who of the Jewish publishing world. It’s- mind-boggling being in the same room with all of those luminaries,” says Finkelstein, 62, a teacher/librarian. He’s won two awards for children’s literature, first, in 1998 for Heeding the Call: Jewish Voices in America’s Civil Rights- Struggle & in 2002 for Forged in Freedom. “Above all it’s just very gratifying to have one’s work recognized & to receive such a prestigious award,” he says. “I was humbled going through it the first time & even more so the second.”
The council continually modifies the judging categories depending on what donors want to honor and the kinds of submissions they receive. “Many of the books that are winning now are not the type of books that are for academics only, that only six people in the world will read. They have a broader appeal,” Hessel says. In the past few years, more fiction and books dealing with American Jewish community interests have been submitted, but fewer about Israel. There has also been a resurgence of Holocaust memoirs. “That population [of survivors] is dying out and they’re writing, they want their words remembered,” Hessel says.
Alexandra Zapruder, who won the 2002 Holocaust Studies award, helped judge that category this year. The 33-year-old author from Washington, DC, has plans to tour book fairs in at least 10 cities with her Salvaged Pages: Young Writers’ Diaries of the Holocaust. “When it came time for Jewish book fairs, there was a lot of interest,” she says. “I’m sure it was because the book was awarded the National Jewish Book Award.”
Pro wrestlers Bill Goldberg, Nickoli Volkov, The Iron Sheik & Dean Malinka are. So is 1972 Olympic Swimming Gold Metalist Mark Spitz. When did ice skating become a predominantly Jewish sport? Russian Irina Slutskaya, the reigning world champ’s Jewish. So is her main competition this year, Sasha Cohen, the Jewish American ice princess. Emily Hughes, who- replaced Michelle Kwan on the US-Team. Emily’s sister, Sarah’s the first member of the tribe to capture the gold medal, in figure skating, at the 2002, Winter Olympics. All three U.S. ice dance couples at the Olympics feature one Jewish partner. Melissa Gregory’s mom is Jewish. She is married to Denis Petukhov. Jamie Silverstein is teamed with Ryan O’Meara. Ben Agosto, Chicago-born Jew, with his partner Tanith Belbin, a recently naturalized, Canadian, won a silver medal. Not bad for a people who are 1/2 of 1% of the world’s population!
Tony Curtis (Bernard- Schwartz), Leonard Nimoy is & used an ancient Hebrew symbol for the “Vulcan sign live long & prosper”, in “Star Trek.” The Cohans, an Israel Tribe, use it when blessing. Others include B. Manilow, David (Haywood-Jones) Bowie, Bob (Zimmerman) Dylan, William Shatner, B. Streisand, Neil Diamond, Billy Crystal, Andrew D. Clay, Ed Asner, David Schwimer, Rich Beltzer, Jackie Mason, Dennis Miller, Gabe Kaplan, Martin Short, Richard Schiff, Joan & Melissa Rivers, Yitzcock Pearlman, Peter Strauss, Uri Geller, Kathy Griffin, Wynona Ryder, Alicia Silverstone, Mandy Patankin, Deborah Gibson, Carol Leifer, Bruce Weitz, Julies Margulies, Warren Beatty, Steven Webber, Bobby Fisher–Chess Champ, Louise Lasser, H. Ford, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sara J. Parker, Seth Green, Robert Downey Jr., Gloria Steinem, Paul Newman, Ruth Buzzi, Bernie Koppel, Tracey & Missy Gold, David Duchovny, Jon Lovitz, Debra Messing, Jayne Seymor, S. Belafonte & Camryn Manheim (Jewish moms), Peter Falk, Josh Mostel, D. Winger, Amy Irving, Adam Sandler, Gary Shandling, Shirley Maclaine, Harvey Keitel, Tracey Polan, Michelle Lee, Elliott Gould, R. Dreyfus, Marsha Mason, Lauren Bacall, Tanya Roberts, Rob Schneider, Walter Koeing, Tom Baker, Howie Mandel, John Shapiro, Polly Bergen, Sarah Bernhardt, Diane Cannon, Houdini (Eric Weiss), Bronson Pinchot, Piper Laurie, Michael Rosenbaum, Ben Lewis (historian) Theodore Bikel, Rob Klein, Ben Siegel, B. Lewis, Hershel Bernardi, Lisa Kudrow, Jackie Gleason, Mel Brooks, Norm Crosby, Don Rickles, Sid Cesar, Ed Ames, Matt Broderick, Dustin Hoffman, Dan D. Lewis, Neil Simon, B. Midler, R. Deniro, Stuart Margolies, Len Berstein-Orchestra Conductor Ben Kingsley, Kevin Kline, Billy Crystal, Lisa Bonet, Judd Hirsh, Kirk & M. Douglas, Rob Roberts, Jerry & Ben Stiller, LillyTomlin, Fyvush Finkle, Jerry & Gary Lewis, Mindy Cohn, David Brenner, Jason Alexander, H. Winkler, Linda Lavin, H. Firestein, David Spade, Ilene Brennan, Artie Johnson, Judy Holiday, D. Letterman, Gene Wilder, Steve Martin, Simon & Garfunkel, Frank Lautenberg, Steve Guttenberg, Carl & Rob Reiner, Al & Adam Arkin, David Birney, Joel & Jen Grey, Matt Goldman (co-founder, Blue Man Group) Woody Allen, Syd Pollack, Yackov Smirnoff, Al Franken, Paul Reiser, Katy Seagal, Jerry Seinfeld, Stan & Barry Livingston (my 3 sons), Marvin Hamlish-song writer, Richard Lewis, Bob Sagat, Hal Lnden, Abe Vigoda, Steve Landesberg, Judge Judy, Josh Goldbloom, Charles Grodin, Al Waxman, Doris Roberts, B Gibson & Eugine Levy. Kate Hudson & her mom, G. Hawn, are. Hawn joked, “We all get rained on, but a Jewish princess would see herself as being drenched.”
Writers, Film Makers, Producers Business people & Entrepreneurs
Josh Schwartz created the hit TV-Show the O.C. Josh Berman created/writes the new TV series “Kidnapped”. David Zuckerman, Phil Rosenthal co-created Everybody Loves Ray. Barney Rozenzweig’s a TV producer. Josh Berman’s a TV writer/producer & creator of Irwin & Woody Allen, Sam Goldyn & Lou B. Mayer (MGM) were among the Eastern European Jews who ran Hollywood in the 1930’s & 40’s. They also created the idea for the Oscar & produced the first full-length sound picture: The Jazz Singer. Adolf Zucker, Mark Gold (Warner Brothers). Mortimer Zuckerman (publisher of NY Daily News & US News & World Report), Michael Bloomberg: founder of Bloomberg TV, Radio & News Corporation.
H. Winkler, S. Spielberg (most successful movie producer), Larry David (Seinfeld co-creator), Dan Rosensweig’s, Yahoo! CEO, Jim Lebenthal, David Lerner, Avi Aar-head of Marvel Entertainment, Levi Straus: jeans inventor & co-creator of the clothing company, retailers such as Abraham & Strauss, Macys & Sears. Julius Rosenwald revolutionized the way Americans buy goods by improving Sears Roebuck’s mail order merchandising. Jamie Dimon, head of Chase Manhattan Bank & his mentor, Sandy Weill–creator/former chair of Citigroup. Mitch Hirsh of xxxxxxxxxRealty, George xxxxxxxx D. Trump’s associate. Rich & Ester Shapiro: creators/producers/writers of Dynasty. Jonathan Schwartz’s CEO of Sun Microsystems. Louis Blaustein & son opened the “first” gas station, eventually founding AMOCO OIL (now British Petroleum)-one of the richest, oil families in the world. Isadore & Nathan Strauss-”Abraham & Strauss,” eventually became sole owners of Macy’s, the world’s largest dept. store, in 1896. EJ Korvetes Dept. Store (Eight Jewish Korean War Veterans.) The first department stores were created in the 19th Century by The Altmans, Gimbels, Kaufman’s, Stan Kaplan founded the tutoring service in his bedroom when in H.S. & later developed & sold it to The Washington Post, Lazaruses, Magnins, Mays, & Strausses. They became leaders of major dept. stores. Hayam Solomon & Isaac Moses created the first modern-banking institutions. Julia & her- late, son Ira Waldbaum built a supermarket chain in NY bearing the family name. Max Goldberg opened the “first” commercial parking lot. Armond Hammer, “Arm & Hammer”, was a physician, and businessman, (Occidental Petroleum), & originated the largest trade between the- U.S. & Russia. Sherry Lansing of Paramount Pictures became the first woman president of a major Hollywood Studio. The comic/actor/film maker Mel Brookes is. Current NYC Board of Ed. Chancellor Joel Klein was a corporate attorney for Citigroup. Mark Goldstein’s- Chairman/CEO- of- Net Zero. Bernard Baruch–American financier, stock market & commodities speculator, statesman, and presidential adviser for over forty years to Woodrow Wilson as chair of the War Industries Board & FDR as a member of the “brain trust”. Truman appointed him head of the new UN Atomic Energy Commission. J.F.K.sought his counsel too. This is why he was highly regarded as an elder stateman. He’s remembered as one of the most powerful men of the early 20th century. A life–like, statue of him is in the lobby of the CUNY College, in Manhattan, named after him.
Unfortunately, notorious gangsters Bugsy Segal & Myer Lansky are. So are Abby Hoffman, Amy Fisher, Joel Steinberg & Hedda Nussbaum Lisa Steinberg’s killers. D. Berkowitz (Son of Sam) and Abe Hirschfeld, the businessman/developer who paid an assassin 75K to kill his partner Stan Shal are too.
Many people do not realize it, but Jews are also known for their humor. We even have a special holiday to celebrate it: Purim. It predated Marti Gras and Halloween. Children dress-up in costumes and mock everything, no matter how sacred. People still go upstate, NY to the many hotels in the Catskill Mountains to see Jewish comics. It’s called the “borsht belt” because borsht is (beet soup, a Russian dish) a popular dish among the guests. Many famous comics such as Milton Berle started there. Mr. I.B. Singer of Family Moscat joked, “A people (Jews) who can’t sleep themselves & let nobody else sleep.” Carrie Fisher, “Princess Lea” of “Stars wars” is the daughter of actors Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. He is a Jew. So she is half-Jewish & joked, “I think I have a Jewish demeanor & a Protestant ethic.” Tom Hanks guest-hosted Saturday Night Live and did a skit on us. It was a parody of the game show, The Family Feud. The topic was Jew or not a Jew? A picture of Michael Landon was displayed on a monitor. Then the families guessed Jew or not. .Then they did a mock commercial for a fictitious car. A moil (special rabbi) performed a circumcision (cut foreskin off penis eight days after birth). They showed it going over deep potholes and making sharp turns at 40-mph, to show how well it rode and handled. Mike Myers, a cast member had a regular skit he did called “Coffee Clutch.” The character was based on his mother-in-law. He dressed as a middle-aged, Jewish woman and told the audience “I’m all faklempt (Yiddish for choked-up). Talk among yourselves. I’ll give you a topic.”
Channel 13 aired a Jewish comedy special. They interviewed Mosle Watdocks, editor of the “Big Book of Jewish Humor” & several Jewish comics. He said, “Jews are 2.7% of the population & 60-70% of the comics.” They talked about how Vaudeville was all-Jewish. My favorite Jewish comic is Jackie Mason, an Orthodox Rabbi from N.J. I love his 1987 routine, “The World According to Me”. He embellishes facts: “At 20 a Jewish girl wants a doctor or a lawyer, but by 35 they’ll marry a chair!” I have it on DVD & despite seeing it many times I still laugh. He said some Jews dislike him because he’s too Jewish. Then jokingly-asked, “What’s- too Jewish?” How can you be too Jewish?”
They mean that he strikes a nerve when he makes fun of them because there is so much truth in his jokes. Fortunately, you do not have to be a Jew to appreciate our humor. Many gentiles love his humor. Millions of people love “The Nanny” and “Seinfeld.” Fran Dresher of “The Nanny” & Seinfeld make millions scream with laughter, daily, by reflecting reality when they make fun of our stchick (Yiddish for quirks).
Ironically, Seinfeld almost wasn’t produced. In an interview he said, “When NBC first saw it they said, ‘it’s too NY. It’ll never make it in the rest of the country’. I said, what you really mean it’s too Jewish.” Millions have been laughing at them for years.
In 1909, four Jews were among the 60 multi-cultural signers of the call to the National Action, which resulted in the creation of the NAACP. We marched, arm-in-arm with blacks, in 1960’s civil-rights protests & are often Liberal, Democrats because we were discriminated against.
Our value of education is best feature. It is vital because we were oppressed and persecuted like blacks for centuries. I chatted with my friend and former history professor, Tom Karfunkel about it. He is also an Orthodox Jew from Budapest and said, “We value it because at times we had to flee in the-middle-of-the-night and knowledge is portable. We had to live in ghettos before Hitler and pay the king extra taxes. Becoming a doctor was one of the few avenues we had to make enough to pay the taxes, support our families and attain respect.
We’re scattered around the world partially because we were citizens in the Roman Empire, traveled freely throughout it and settled in various parts. Banking was one of the few things Christians let us do then as they considered it a dirty, but necessary business.”
During the Spanish Crusades, eighth– 13th Centuries Jews fled to what‘s now Switzerland & created modern banking system.
October 29, 2005 –Religion: Hispanics Uncovering Roots as Inquisition’s ‘Hidden’ Jews By Simon Romero
HOUSTON, Oct. 28 – When she was growing up in a small town in southern Colorado, an area where her ancestors settled centuries ago when it was on the fringes of the northern frontier of New Spain, Bernadette Gonzalez always thought some of the stories about her family were unusual, if not bizarre.
Her grandma, for instance, wouldn’t travel on Sat. & used a specific porcelain basin to drain blood from meat before cooking. In one tale that particularly puzzled Ms. Gonzalez, 52, her granddad had a Jewish dr. circumcise him on his death bed in a Trinidad, Colo. Hospital.
Only after Ms. Gonzalez moved to Houston to work as a lawyer and began discussing these tales with a Jewish colleague, she said, did “the pieces of the puzzle” start falling into place.
Ms. Gonzalez started researching her family history and concluded that her ancestors were Marranos, or Sephardic Jews, who had fled the Inquisition in Spain and in Mexico more than four centuries ago. Though raised in the Roman Catholic faith, Ms. Gonzalez felt a need to reconnect to her Jewish roots, so she converted to Judaism three years ago.
“I feel like I came home,” said Ms. Gonzalez, who now often uses the first name Batya. “The fingerprints of my past were all around me, but I didn’t know what they meant.”
It is difficult to know precisely how many Hispanics are converting or adopting Jewish religious practices, but accounts of such embraces of Judaism are growing more common in parts of the Southwest. In Clear Lake, a suburb south of Houston, Rabbi Stuart Federow has overseen half a dozen conversions of Hispanics in recent years. In El Paso, Rabbi Stephen Leon said he had converted almost 40 Hispanic families since moving to Texas from New Jersey 19 years ago.
These conversions are the latest chapter in the story of the crypto-Jews, or hidden Jews, of the southwestern United Statesand northern Mexico, who are thought to be descended from the Sephardic Jews who began fleeing Spain more than 500 years ago. The story is being bolstered by recent historical research and advances in DNA testing that are said to reveal a prominent role played by crypto-Jews and their descendants in Spain’s colonization of the Southwest.
For more than two decades, anecdotal evidence collected by researchers in New Mexico, Colorado and Texas suggested that some nominally Catholic families of Iberian descent had stealthily maintained Jewish customs throughout the centuries, including lighting candles on Friday evening, avoiding pork and having the Star of David inscribed on gravestones.
The whispers of hidden rituals coming from thoroughly Catholic communities were at times met with skepticism. One explanation for these seemingly Jewish customs was that evangelical Protestant sects active in the Southwest about a century ago had used Jewish imagery and Hebrew writing in their proselytizing, and that these symbols had become ingrained in isolated Hispanic communities.
Skepticism aside, some rabbis view assistance to or conversions of crypto-Jews as a responsibility. “The American Jewish community provided support in bringing Soviet, Albanian or Syrian Jews to the United States, and helping them in their transition,” said Rabbi Leon of Congregation B’nai Zion, a Conservative congregation in El Paso. “I don’t see how the crypto-Jews are any different.”
Modern science may now be shedding new light on the history of the crypto-Jews after molecular anthropologists recently developed a DNA test of the male or Y chromosome that can indicate an ancestral connection to the Cohanim, a priestly class of Jews that traces its origin back more than 3,000 years to Aaron, the older brother of Moses.
Family Tree DNA, a Houston company that offers a Cohanim test to its male clients, gets about one inquiry a day from Hispanics interested in exploring the possibility of Jewish ancestry, said Bennett Greenspan, its founder and chief executive. Mr. Greenspan said about one in 10 of the Hispanic men tested by his company showed Semitic ancestry strongly suggesting a Jewish background. (Another divergent possibility is that the test might suggest North African Muslim ancestry.)
“The results have just blown me over, reminding me of something out of Kaifeng,” Mr. Greenspan said, referring to the Chinese city of Kaifeng, where a small Jewish community persisted for about 1,000 years until the mid-19th century when it was almost completely assimilated. “Lots of Hispanic people tell me they’re interested in something Jewish and they can’t explain it. Well, this helps explain it.”
Not everyone who discovers Jewish ancestry, either through genealogical research or DNA testing, has decided to convert to Judaism, but some Hispanics who have found links still feel drawn to incorporate Jewish customs into their life. For instance, the Rev. William Sanchez, 52, a Catholic priest in Albuquerque, spent years researching his family’s past in New Mexico before a DNA test three years ago showed that he almost certainly had the Jewish Cohanim marker.
Since then, Father Sanchez has sought to educate his parishioners on the connections between Catholicism and Judaism, and has helped oversee the Nuevo Mexico Project, which tries to identify Sephardic ancestry among Hispanics from New Mexico. He has encouraged more than 100 of his parishioners to take DNA tests.
Father Sanchez has also introduced some Jewish customs at St. Edwins Church in Albuquerque, where he serves; he blew the Shofar, or ram’s horn, this month during the Yom Kippur holiday. At another parish where he used to work in rural northeastern New Mexico, in the village of Villanueva, he would hold an annual Passover supper.
“I have a pluralistic, not an antagonistic, view of our religions,” Father Sanchez said.
Still, others feel they must make a clean break upon exploring their Jewish roots. John García, a lawyer in El Paso whose family moved to the US two generations ago from Mexico, said he had heard stories since a boy that his family had a Sephardic Jewish past.
He formally converted to Judaism in 2001 & last year had a bar mitzvah in El Paso, at the age of 53, together with five other crypto-Jews. These days Mr. García, a lawyer in the public defender’s office in El Paso, never works on the Sabbath & is an active member of Temple Mount Sinai, a Reform congregation in El Paso.
”I’ve had to go beyond my comfort level in something I would call a reversion rather than a conversion,” Mr. García said. “There were an intervening 400 years when my family had become Catholic, but something about Judaism, I don’t know exactly what it was, was kept alive.”
Our success often makes us a convenient scapegoat and causes envy. Many people, including Presidents Roosevelt and Nixon were anti-Semites. Perhaps because many gentiles do not know that our calendar says 5760 because we do not accept Jesus and are awaiting the Messiah. They perceive us as either secular or traditionalist who spend the year (which starts in September) studying the Torah (first five books of Moses) and Talmud (old ways). Few realize many common words are Yiddish because it and English are both Germanic languages. Few know that we are that we are not one profile and the Arabs are our older, half-brothers and sisters because Abraham had a child with his maid, Phager before his wife, Sara.
In the US we had to build our own hospitals because many doctors & patients weren’t allowed in to others. Even after the Holocaust many were immensely insensitive, indifferent, and indignant to the survivors. Some resented- them because their loved ones perished. The Nazis convicted in the Nuremberg Trials, and industrialists who helped Hitler by creating the crematoriums were forgiven because the Allies wanted their help in the cold war.
Surprising to many people we have various subcultures such as Orthodox, Israelites (Black Jews) Hasidic, & Labovitch (named for Russian town called love), Reformed & Sephardic because we are from all over the world. We often have different ways too: those of European descent speak Yiddish and name their children using the first letter of a dead loved one’s name to keep their spirit in the family. My brother, Jeff is named after our late grandfather, Joseph. They speak Hebrew and name their children after the living. Orthodox speak-English at home & don’t marry until the mid 20’s after they finish college. Hasidic marry right out of college & start a family. They speak Yiddish or Hebrew at home.
People such as Louis Farrakhan think we have some secret to success we refuse to share. Jesse Jackson called said it is a “Gutter religion” and called NYC “Hymie (derogatory name for Jews) town. Nations like France are because many Arabs live there and they export many things to Arab nations. “Friends” such as Saudi Arabia try to black mail us by threatening to cut oil exports.
For years I wondered why Christians worship Jesus, a man who was born, lived, and died a Jew without ever denouncing it, yet be anti-Semitic. Even Luther said, “Though we boast of rank, we must admit that we are but of pagan stock while the Jews are of the blood of Christ… The glory comes from them.” My friend Mike is Irish and explained me something a rabbi told him: “It’s not the religion. The average “redneck” doesn’t know a thing about it. It’s the people: their actions cause resentment.” Unfortunately, many of my people are especially sanctimonious, judge-mental, shysters, nervy, etc.
Question of the Week:
I am the only Jew within miles of where I live. It’s not easy being so vastly outnumbered. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth being different. One thing my non-Jewish neighbors ask that I can’t answer is: Why have your people been so unpopular throughout history and around the world? What should I tell them?
Answer: From ancient times thru today, the Jew is a dissenter, a voice that runs counter to the accepted norm. And that doesn’t earn popularity.
It all started with the first Jew, Abraham the Hebrew. The very name Hebrew means separatist, the one on the other side. When the whole world says one thing, the Hebrew says the opposite. All humankind was worshiping idols. Abraham worshiped the one invisible G-d of heaven and earth. People thought that they could demand what they wanted from the gods; Abraham taught that G-d demands goodness from people. Even while the entire world stood on one side, Abraham, the first Hebrew, stood on the other side.
This has been the way of the Hebrews ever since. We are a counter voice that refuses to exchange truth for popularity. The- Hebrews have protested the claims of false messiahs and self-proclaimed prophets, political saviors and would-be revolutionaries. We watch them come and go, and we stick to the path of Abraham.
The existence of a Jew today slaps the face of every movement that has sought to disprove the G-d who spoke to Abraham, took the Hebrews out of Egypt & gave them the Torah. No matter how distant a Jew is from Judaism, the very fact that he identifies as a Jew is a vindication of G-d’s promise to our forefathers that their descendants will survive & reach every corner of the earth.
The Hebrew viewpoint is unpopular at first. It starts as the sole voice of a small minority. But in time these ideas spread and become universal. Abraham was a lonely monotheist, teaching all who would listen that there is one G-d who wants you to live a moral life. Today, four thousand years later, most of the world prays to the G-d of Abraham. That’s the power of just one Hebrew.
Be true to the Hebrew within you. Be the dissenter who chooses morality over popularity. Good Shabbos, Rabbi Moss
Jean-Paul Sarfe said, “If the Jew did not exist the anti-Semite would invent him.” Sam Levinson said, “It’s a free world. You don’t have to like Jews. But if you don’t, I suggest you boycott certain Jewish products like insulin, discovered by Dr. Minkoski, the Hepatitis Vaccine, discovered by Dr. J. Von Liebig, the Wassermann test for Syphilis, streptomycin, discovered by Dr. Selman Waxman; the Polio pill, by Dr. Albert Sabin and the Polio vaccine, by Dr. Johanas Salk. “Good! Boycott! But humanitarianism requires my people offer these gifts to the world. Fascism requires-all bigots to- accept Diabetes, Hepatitis, convulsions, Syphilis, infectious diseases, & infantile paralysis. So you want to be mad? Be mad! But I’m telling you, you aint going to feel so good.”
It was a capitol crime to convert to Judaism after Constantine I became the first Catholic Emperor of Rome. This is especially anti-Semitic for a few reasons: 1) Unlike other religions, we never proselytize; 2) If someone wants to convert we refuse the first three times to ensure their commitment; 3) we dislike our people converting because so many have been murdered in the name of Christianity. My friend, Norman said something interesting: “Many Jews dislike Christianity because Jesus is an intermediate between man and God. But they fail to see that the rabbi is just as much of an intermediate to them…”
He was Hassidic. Now he is Messianic (Jew for Jesus). Many Jews say they’re a cult. I do not know. All I know is that there are much worse things they could do. If they are happy who am I to tell them something as personal as whom to worship?
Some Jews chose humor as a response to anti-Semitism. Jackie Mason’s replied, “It’s an historical fact that Jews were never fighters. … Let’s be honest about it: Did you ever see anyone afraid to walk into a Jewish neighborhood because he might get killed by an accountant?” Brendan Behan joked, “Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.” Woody Allen said, “After there’s no biological difference between a Jew and a gentile, despite what my Uncle Max says.” Groucho Marx’s daughter was excluded from a beach club on racial grounds. So he asked, “Since my daughter is only half-Jewish can-she go- into the water up to her knees?” Sammy Davis Jr. said, “…after- I decided to become a Jew only then did I learn that Jews don’t really have all the money. When I found out Rockefeller and Ford were goyim (Gentile in Yiddish) I almost resigned.”
Ed Koch was the outspoken NYC mayor for 12 years. He never minced words. The following was his commentary prepared for Bloomberg Radio which, is owned by the current mayor. This is a sobering yet in a way optimistic analysis by one of our own elder statesmen: “We’re now enduring the most virulent anti-Semitic period since Hitler & Stalin. Nearly 60 years after the end of WW II almost every country in Europe, including England, France, Germany, Holland, Belgium & the Scandinavian countries, has seen major outbreaks of physical violence against their Jewish citizens & institutions, including synagogues & cemeteries. At the same time, open hostility toward Israel is at an all-time high.
”Only in the US have we seen full acceptance of Jews as citizens & Israel treated as a friend & ally by an overwhelming # of fellow citizens. In the U.S., Jews have been permitted to rise & fall based on their individual talents, virtues & faults. In one elite bastion after another, Jews have been selected to head institutions heretofore seen as beyond their reach.
Today, the presidents of Harvard & Yale are Jews, as are recent former presidents of Columbia & Princeton.
“Having been elected mayor of NYC three times, I’ve been the beneficiary of this country’s generosity & freedom from bigotry,
& I’ll be eternally grateful.
“I want to thank President George W. Bush & his advisers, VP Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Colin Powell & National Security Adviser, Dr. Condoleezza Rice for their support of Israel. They could easily have jettisoned it as a liability in their efforts to forge an international coalition against worldwide terrorism. I’ll be forever grateful to them & I hope many other supporters of Israel will recognize & appreciate what they’ve done.
“Fortunately for Jews & Israel, American support of the Jewish nation has been bipartisan. Particularly helpful has been the Democratic leadership in both houses including Senator Tom Daschle, outgoing Minority Leader Dick Gephardt, as well as former President Bill Clinton & Senator Hillary Clinton.
“There are many others on both sides of the political aisle who deserve similar praise. In the religious sector, I am grateful to the Reverends Pat Robertson & Jerry Falwell, both of whom have stood up time & again in support and defense of the Jewish nation. Regrettably, there have been many clergy who’ve unfairly attacked Israel for attempting to defend itself against near-daily terrorist acts against its citizens.
“We were made privy to the true thoughts of Rev. Billy Graham caught on tape telling President Nixon his real feelings about Jews & Israel. He has since apologized, but what is an apology without contrition and efforts to right the wrong done? Worthless!
“I’ll avoid France as a vacation spot. France leads those countries in the Security Council who are the enemies of the State of Israel. So is Mexico, joining as a consistent supporter of resolutions unfairly denouncing Israel at the U.N. Security Council.
“I’ll not support National Public Radio in any way. NPR’s reporters & management delight in unfairly attacking Israel. I will no longer lend financial support to NY’s Channel 13 public T.V. station. That station recently showed a documentary that was blatantly biased against Israel & has refused to acknowledge the bias or to try to correct it. I’ll not watch ABC’s World News Tonight anchored by Peter Jennings. For many years, Jennings has specialized in vicious & unfair portrayals of Israel intended to injure the Jewish state & lionize Palestinians.
“BBC News is horrifically anti-Israel & I’ll shun it totally. Susan Sontag’ll occupy the 9th Circle of Hell for her outrageous assaults on Israel. I’ll no longer read her works. Regrettably, there are many others whom I can include on this list, but I’ll leave that for another day.
“I must confess I got enormous pleasure from the defeat of Congress-woman Cynthia McKinney & her father in the recent primary elections in Georgia. In my view, both are anti-Semitic & anti-Israel. No longer able to feed at the public trough, I doubt that either will make a comparable living in the private sector.
“We can never know the results of our actions on the future of the world.
However, if you forward this message to friends of the Jewish Nation, with the wish that they do the same, then perhaps, in some small way, it’ll eventually make a difference. What is certain, however, is that if you do nothing, nothing can happen.”
The new anti-Semite’s primary desire is to see Israel destroyed. It is as bad in France as in the Mid E. We must stay informed on it too.
Dr. Watson: Anti-Semitism Justified 11/07/06
Scientist James D. Watson, co-discoverer of the structure of DNA and a Nobel Prize winner, says anti-Semitism is justified, in a recent magazine interview.
The ADL called Dr. Watson’s remarks about Jews “disturbing” and is asking Watson to clarify them.
Watson, 78, who lives in Cold Harbor, N.Y., tells Esquire magazine in its January edition that anti-Semitism, in some circumstances, is justified.
In an interview profile for the magazine Watson asks rhetorically, “Should you be allowed to make an anti-Semitic remark?” He answered: “Yes, because some anti-Semitism is justified. Just like some anti-Irish feeling is justified. If you can’t be criticized, that’s very dangerous. You lose the concept of a free society.”
Apparently a firm believer in eugenics, Watson also feels “Ashkenazi Jews” – Jews descended from the medieval Jewish communities in the area of Germany – have higher intelligence than other people.
“I’ve wondered why people aren’t more intelligent,” Watson says. “Why isn’t everyone as intelligent as Ashkenazi Jews? And it may be that societies work best when there’s a mixture of ability – the bright people would never be an army.”
Watson’s remarks were part of the magazine’s January cover story, which consists of interviews with famous and notable people who reveal “What I’ve Learned” from life. Included are interviews with Katie Couric, actor Peter O’Toole and magicians Penn & Teller, among others.
Ken Jacobson, the deputy national director of the ADL, reacted strongly to Watson’s statements.
“Those are very strange comments coming from an individual like that,” Jacobson told NewsMax. “At the very least I think he needs to clarify his remarks. It sounds like he was trying to make some general comment about political correctness. He makes a reference that groups can be criticized, that not to be able to criticize a group isn’t right. That’s not to say you can’t make comments about Jews, but anti-Semitism is a very specific statement, not just criticism, but a specific type of statement.”
Jacobson not only objected to Watson’s “disturbing” endorsement of anti-Semitism, but also objected to Watson’s statement that Ashkenazi Jews are more intelligent than other people.
“That also is a genetic stereotype,” Jacobson said. “We believe that if Jews have succeeded in a certain field, it has been due to Jewish traditions, culture, and the valuing of education. We don’t get into all the genetic stereotyping.”
Jacobson added, “Obviously, the impact of anti-Semitism through the century has been devastating to Jews, & I’d hope that’s not what he really meant. In and of itself, the statement that some anti-Semitism is good is a disturbing statement. He needs to clarify it.”
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Watson also holds some strong political views. For example, he labels President Bush and Sen. Bill Frist “rich trash.”
He suggests the rich have “used their money to buy the presidency.”
About Frist, he continued: “And Frist isn’t an innocent bystander, with his own family fortune-hundreds of millions. The piece of sh–, I hate him.”
Watson says his own politics have evolved from the left to libertarianism. He said he “turned against the left wing” because “they don’t like genetics, because genetics implies that sometimes in life we fail because we have had bad genes.”
Watson complains that the poorer classes are having more children than the richer, more intelligent classes.
“I think now we’re in a terrible sitution where we should pay the rich people to have children.” He says if we don’t encourage procreation of wealthier citizens, IQ levels will most definitely fall.
As for Watson’s own genetic lineage, his biography posted on nobelprize.org says his mother was of Scottish and Irish heritage and his father, a Chicago businessman, had ancestors of English descent.
Anti – Semitism in France
Finally & long overdue, your people, oppressed and disgraced by hatred & maliciousness, have achieved justice: now you enjoy full citizen’s rights, but you’ll remain Jews nonetheless.” Franz Grillparzer (1791-1872), Austrian author. “That shitty little, country: Israel.” (Daniel Bernard, French- Ambassador –to- England, and former, -French- Ambassador -to -the- UN), December 2001).
A brief recap of recent events: 4/3/02: Two molotov cocktails were thrown at a synagogue outside Paris;
4/2/02: Or Aviv Synagogue in Marseille was burned to the ground;
4/2/02: Arsonists struck a pavilion in a Jewish cemetery in the E. town of Schiltigheim, France;
3/30-31/02: Arsonists attacked synagogues in Strasbourg, France after an anti-Israel demonstration; 15 masked men drove two cars through the gates and into a synagogue in Lyon. They set fire to one of the cars in the prayer hall;
A gunman opened fire on a kosher butcher’s shop (and, of course, the butcher) in Toulouse, France;
A Jewish couple in their 20s were beaten by five men in Villeurbanne, France. She was pregnant.
A Jewish school was broken into and vandalized in Sarcelles, France.
According to the Anti-Defamation League, from 9/9/00, the start of the intifada, to 11/20/01, there were 330 anti-Semitic acts just in and around Paris. Plus scores- of firebombing- synagogues. Just before Rosh Hashanah, 200 Arabs attacked Jews on the Champs Elysees.
The pace picked up since then: in December, a French cinema in Paris refused to allow a Hanukah showing of Harry Potter to 800 Jewish children because of French-Palestinian threats (the threats were confirmed by French police who did nothing, not even give details). It was one incident in an eventful month when synagogues continued to be firebombed and a Jewish kindergarten was vandalized with anti-Semitic graffiti and set ablaze.
We get French anti-Semitism. There’s nothing the French love like their traditions. Re: anti-Semitism they have tradition galore. What, however, can explain the sometimes muted, sometimes defensively outraged reaction of French officials? Simple: There are about 5,000,000 to 6,000,000 Muslims living in France & many more arrive daily. There are only about 600,000 Jews still living in France. Moreover, France is the #1 European exporter- to Iraq, totaling over $2 Billion per year in exports since 2000. To those who are at a loss to explain why French elected officials seem “helpless” to stem the tide of anti-Semitism, I say that something smells awfully Vichy around here.
You already know that Israel is at war against a fearsome enemy, which has brought the fight to its streets. Much of the civilized world (well, at least on this side of the Atlantic), finally understands this fact. What is not being acknowledged, however, is that this is not a war against Israel, or, as propagandists and demagogues worldwide would have it, occupiers.
This is a war against every individual, Israeli or not, religious or not, Zionist or not, right, left or center, who i.d. themselves as- Jews. Israel is only the publicized front line & if you are not in Israel, & the fight has not arrived at your front yard, just- wait.
Maybe we shouldn’t. Perhaps history has finally taught us, of all people, that waiting and hoping for succor and sympathy from the nations of the world will lead only to more burned synagogues, pogroms, and, down the road, grim faced dignitaries mouthing “never again” while dedicating yet another memorial museum.
We cannot wait, inactively and hope to have security or peace for our children or ourselves. We dare not privately rail against irrational, virulent hatred while letting the world believe that we remain disinterested, accepting our lot with equanimity or, worse,- resignation.
We can, and must, do more than merely grieve. So I call on you, whether you are a fellow Jew, friend, or merely a person with the capacity and desire to distinguish decency from depravity, to do, at least, these three simple things.
1. Care enough to stay informed. Don’t ever let yourself become deluded into thinking this is not your fight.
2. Boycott France. Only the Arab countries are more toxically anti-Semitic and, unlike them, France exports more than just oil/hatred.
Boycott their wines/perfumes/clothes/food/movies & shores. If we’re resolved we can exert amazing pressure and, whatever else we know about the French, we know they’re a cobweb in a hurricane in the face of well directed pressure.
3. Send this along to your family/friends/co-workers.
Think of all of those of good conscience that you know & let them know you & those you care about need their help (remind your gentile pals that France may not care much for them either–today, the best selling book in France is “9/11: The Frightening Fraud” it argues no plane ever hit the Pentagon). Our only strength is the strength of our community and there can be no community without communication.
Jewish Defense League Their mission statement: adopted October 30, 2005 is we are dedicated to the protection and defense of the Jewish people in the Diaspora. To that end, there will be no sanctuary for those who threaten, or attack Jewish individuals, or institutions. Never Again! It is the most controversial, effective, Jewish identity, human rights, activist organizations. Founded in 1968, by Rabbi Meyer Kahane, HY”D, it has confronted the all too real White Supremacy, Neo Nazi, & fifth column movements in the US & elsewhere. It works tirelessly to defeat Anti-Semitism, while building Jewish pride, self-confidence & power in our people. It’s an absolute necessity for Jews to learn self-defense as if their lives depend upon it. They stand their ground on the Second Amendment. Their motto often opposes “mainstream Jewish leadership’’: don’t make waves or fight back if attacked. Eastern European Jews were “sold” that during the Holocaust. They confront anti-Semitism, racism & bigotry, wherever, whenever & by whatever means necessary, within the law, while fighting for Jewish rights, guaranteed under international laws & chosen by people under the Torah. Passover Speech A few days before Passover, the Israeli Ambassador got up to speak at the United Nations. “Ladies, and gentlemen,” he said. “I have much to say. But before I begin, let me tell you an old Passover story, since the Holiday is almost upon us.
“When Moses was leading the Jews out of Israel, he had to cross the almost endless Sinai desert. The Israelite -were so thirsty they could hardly go on. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean water. The Israeli people rejoiced and drank to their hearts content.
“But Moses wished to cleanse his entire body. So he went over the other side of the pond, took off his clothes & dove in. Only when he came out did he discover that his clothes had been stolen. And I have good reason to believe that the Palestinians stole Moses’ clothes.”
The Palestinian delegate jumped out of his chair and screamed. “You lying fool! Everyone knows there were no Palestinians then!”
“Exactly…,” said the Israel Ambassador. “…and with that, let me begin my speech.”
Dennis Miller, the Jewish American comic/actor had some commentary on the matter: Amazing when one knows the real history of the area, liars reveal them selves/terrible truths of the religion of hate!
"A brief overview of the situation is always good. So as a service to Americans who still don't get it, I offer the story of the Mid E. in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver.
Here we go: Palestinians want their own nation. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians! It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for 2,000 years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention.
Before Israel won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt & there were no "Palestinians" then, & the W. Bank was owned by Jordan, & there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over & started growing Oranges as big as basketballs, the "Palestinians," wept for their deep bond with their lost "land"/"nation."
So for honesty’s sake, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these nice folks who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs Accomplish Anything in Life, & Would Rather Wrap Themselves in the Seductive, Melodrama of Eternal Struggle/Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one-more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last 30 years, especially a few years ago at Camp David. The problem is if you have it you must have infrastructure: traffic lights/garbage trucks/Chambers of Commerce, & worse, you actually have to figure out a way to- make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-haters in the region want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course-that's where the real fun is, but mostly they want Israel. Why?
For one thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it-for the last 50 years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, & tribally backward on God's Earth, & if you've been around you know that's really something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our Pundits waxes poetic about the great history/culture of the Muslim Mid E. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, & by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around & spit it out: 500 million Arabs; 5 million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, & Israel as a pack of matches in the middle. And now these same folks swear if Israel gives them 1/2 the matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that?
We were just kidding. My friend Kevin Rooney made a great point: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine 500 million Jews & five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it.
Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of -course not. Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense.
Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.
Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
President Bush, G-d bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, & after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels, who-have just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us & the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start -to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id...uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)"
Israel Has Six Months to Hit Iran
Iran is accelerating its uranium enrichment efforts and Israel could have only six months to destroy Tehran’s nuclear capabilities or risk an Iranian nuclear attack, according to influential Israeli columnist Caroline Glick.
“Just as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has dropped nearly all pretenses about his intentions to achieve nuclear weapons, so too he makes it clear daily that he intends to use such weapons to annihilate Israel,” Glick writes in the Jerusalem Post.
“With Iran speeding up its program, Israel may have as little as six months to launch a strike on its nuclear facilities before they can start churning out atomic bombs.”
But other developments may constrict Israel’s ability to act, Glick warns.
To the north in Lebanon, French-commanded U.N. forces are turning a blind eye to the weapons being smuggled to Hezbollah terrorist forces from Syria.
What’s more, France’s Defense Minister has called Israeli Air Force flights over Lebanon “extremely dangerous” and said France’s forces there could fire on the Israeli flights.
The U.N. forces “are making it clear that they view the IDF [Israeli Defense Force], not Hezbollah, as their enemy,” Glick reports.
“Were Israel to attempt to take action against Hezbollah or Syria to prevent them from attacking in anticipation of an Israeli strike on Iran, there can be little doubt how [the U.N.] forces would respond.”
To the south, Egypt is increasing its military presence along its border with the Gaza Strip and “assiduously preparing its military for war against Israel,” according to Glick.
The Egyptian government, she notes, is “colluding” with smugglers bringing increasingly sophisticated weapons to Palestinian terrorists in Gaza.
Glick, who has been sharply critical of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his government’s tepid responses to the growing threats, added:
“As if having hostile Europeans guarding genocidal Iranian proxies in the north, and hostile Egyptians guarding and arming genocidal Palestinians in the south weren’t enough, it was reported that the Olmert government is considering allowing thousands of armed PLO terrorists from the Badr Brigade in Jordan to relocate to Gaza.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.”
Ben Netanyahu Interview
He was asked about Israel’s occupation of Arab lands–his reply: “It’s our land.”
The reporter (think it was CNN) was stunned — read below “it’s our land…”
The following material was written by an American Christian professor. It’s important to know since we don’t get fair, accurate reporting from the media/facts tend to get lost in the jumble of daily events.
Crash Course on the Arab Israeli Conflict
Here is some overlooked facts in the current Mid E. situation. These were compiled by a Christian U. Professor.
HERE’S THE BRIEF FACTS ON THE ISRAELI CONFLICT TODAY….
Takes a minute to read! It makes sense/not slanted. Jew or not–it doesn’t matter. Thank You.
1. Nationhood & Jerusalem. Israel became a nation in 1312 B.C.E., 2,000 years before Islam.
2. Arab refugees in Israel began identifying themselves as part of a Palestinian people in 1967, 20 years after Israel’s establishment.
3. Since Jewish conquest in 1272 B.C.E., we had dominion over the land for 1K years with a continuous presence for the past 3,300 years.
4. The only Arab dominion since the conquest in 635 C.E. lasted no more than 22 years.
5. For over 3,300 years, Jerusalem has been the Jewish capital. It never was capital of any Arab or Muslim entity.
Even when Jordan occupied it they never made it their capital/Arab leaders didn’t come to visit.
6. Jerusalem’s mentioned over 700X in Tanach:, the Jewish Holy Scriptures., yet not –once- in- the- Koran.
7. King David founded the city of Jerusalem. Mohammed never went there.
8. Jews pray facing Jerusalem. Muslims pray with their backs toward it.
9. Arab and Jewish Refugees: In 1948 the Arab refugees were encouraged to leave Israel by Arab leaders promising to purge the land of Jews. 68% left without ever seeing an Israeli soldier.
10. The Jewish refugees were forced to flee from Arab lands due to Arab brutality, persecution & pogroms.
11. About 630,000 Arab refugees left Israel in 1948. The # of Jewish refugees from Arab lands is about the same.
12. Arab refugees were INTENTIONALLY not absorbed or integrated into Arab lands to which they fled, despite the vast Arab territory.
Out of the 100,000,000 refugees since WW 2, theirs is the only refugee group in the world that’s never been absorbed or integrated into
their own peoples’ lands. Jewish refugees were completely absorbed into Israel, a nation the size of NJ.
13. The Arab – Israeli Conflict: The Arabs are represented by eight nations, excluding Palestinians.
There is only one Jewish nation. Arabs initiated/lost all five wars. Israel defended itself/won each time.
14. The P.L.O.’s Charter still calls for Israel’s destruction. Israel has given the Palestinians most of the W. Bank autonomy under
Palestinian Authority, & has supplied them.
15. Under Jordanian rule, Jewish holy sites were desecrated/Jews were denied access to places of worship. Under Israeli rule, all Muslim & Christian sites have been preserved & are accessible to all. .
16. The U.N. Record on Israel & the Arabs: of the 175 Security Council resolutions passed before-1990, 97 were anti Israel.
17. Of the 690 General Assembly resolutions voted on before 1990, 429 were against Israel.
18. The U.N was silent while 58 Jerusalem Synagogues were destroyed by Jordanians.
19. The U.N. was silent while the Jordanians systematically desecrated the ancient Jewish cemetery on the Mount of Olives.
20. The U.N. was silent while the Jordanians enforced an apartheid-like policy of preventing Jews from visiting the Temple Mount & W. Wall.
These are incredible times. We have to ask what our role should be. What will we tell our grandchildren we did when there was a turning point in Jewish destiny, an opportunity to make a difference?
START NOW!! Send this to 20 other people you know and ask them to send it to twenty others, Jew & non-Jew- -it doesn’t really matter
Theodore Herzl and Leo Pinsker: Profound Influences on Zionism
He was interested in Jewish affairs & went beyond the “enlighteners”, whose teachings said those Russian things such as language should dominate ever aspect of life, even religion. Jews opposed this. It eventually caused attacks against them in Odessa during Easter, 1881. [i]
Pinsker felt they needed Palestine as a homeland because they were a minority everywhere and had to suppress their religion/assimilate into the various cultures they lived in due to anti-Semitism. His pamphlet was greeted with indignation in many circles. The orthodox felt he lacked religion & liberals attacked him as a traitor to the faith. His followers were semi-modernized, Russian Jews. But by 1884 he founded the Hibbot Zion movement.
Then he wrote that the essence of the problem lies in the fact that Jews are a distinct element in the nations in which they live. And their Judaism prohibited assimilation. He felt they needed a homeland like other peoples to physically unite/bond. A homeland would permit them to share a common language, culture, history, patriotism, sense of purpose and goal like other nations.
He felt that since the Jews never had any of these things many of them were apathetic toward it. He said that many were thrilled just to live in peace. To others the concept of freedom of worship was a luxury to some it was an unattainable dream. Knowing all this he wanted to stir Jews to rise up and believe that they had the right to a homeland and everything that came along with it. He felt that this gave their lives deeper meaning/sense of purpose.
But this did not stop him from trying to include Judaism into a liberal Russia. He preached that there must be “new remedies and ways” and anonymously published his views in -a German pamphlet. [ii]
Theodor Herzl was also a founding father of Zionism. He was born in 1860, in Budapest, Hungary. Although his family still had some old Jewish customs, they were primarily assimilated into the Hungarian culture.
After unsuccessfully appealing to the small group of rich Jews in Eastern Europe for aid he targeted the masses with his newspaper. This was not easy, especially since the idea of a Palestinian state being a homeland for the Jews meant different things to different people. Some wanted a Utopia. Others envisioned a theocracy. Being a very pragmatic and accepting man he wanted it to be a Democracy where Jews lived in peace here and worshiped freely, without fear of persecution. He soon realized that was impossible for Eastern European Jews.
He wanted Jews to be able live in peace anywhere. And not be forced to live in ghettos and pay extra taxes to the King, simply because they were Jews. The government could not protect them from pogroms (mob attacks against Jews). It remained neutral out for fear of alienating the masses and creating dissention among supporters.
He felt that Jews needed a man like him to help unite & organize them & wondered what would become of them without his vision to guide them. Everyone knew previous plans to deal with them failed for various reasons. They considered becoming peasants. But that concept was flawed from the start because within the next generation or two peasants be virtually extinct. He also thought if everyone let the Jews live in peace they’d assimilate into mainstream society within a few generations. But he knew that was “mission impossible”.
Besides, in his heart & soul he knew it’d never happen. He thought the next best thing was to move the Jews from Europe to Palestine. So they could set up a homeland where they could live in peace. He wanted to see them move gradually over the years in order of need. The most- dire would go first. Once there, they could begin to build infrastructure for the society they’d create. He thought that there should be agencies to help organize this. It seemed obvious that they would need order & structure if they even had a chance of pulling it off.
Who knows what would have happened if Herzl didn’t come along when he did. He had just what the “dr. ordered”: a “prescription” for the right “medicine”, a “colonic” to revitalize the movement.
It was a bit like Pinsker was Moses, Herzl was Joshua & the floundering movement the Jews wandering in the Sinai Desert on their way to the Promised Land. Moses brought the Jews out of Egypt & into the desert, & Joshua guided them the rest of the journey to the Promised Land.
Herzl had a very pragmatic view of life in Europe for Jews today and in the future. And knew it was not-pretty. So he devised a detailed plan for migrating Jews into Palestine from Europe. He also created a detailed plan as to who would go there & when. And what needed to be done upon arrival. No one could argue with his reasoning. His plans were very good. He knew that it would take considerable time too. So he factored a reasonable time into his plan too. His common sense dictated to him that it would take years.
It was this common sense that was so instrumental in his ability to sway people. This combined with a little bit of logic was able to go the Jericho mile in gaining credibility for him/his plan. They were both instrumental to the eventual creation of Israel’s status as the free/ independent nation that will live forever. Jews owe a big debt of gratitude to both men. They should be revered as heroes!
Materialism and Family
We have a Yiddish word generally used for romance: beshect (destiny). Unfortunately, many do not believe in it and are so materialistic. They measure people, happiness, success, security, happiness and love in money. It has caused a pejorative nickname for our women: Jewish American Princess, (JAP). I joke you do not have to be a Jew, or American to be one, but it helps. And I should pray for Moses’ encore performance before asking God for a nice, humble, wise, personable, witty, Jewish gal. Moses is a smaller miracle.
There are many stereotypical jokes about them with at least some truth: what’s the difference between a JAP & a schiska (gentile girl)? The schiska has real sex. And fake jewelry! What does a JAP make for dinner? Reservations! What’s a JAP’s favorite wine? I wanna eat out. How do you know she enjoys sex? She drops her nail file. What does she say during sex? The ceiling needs painting. Many of them are “washwomen”: yentas (busy bodies), quevtches (complainer) & nags, especially about food. They are obsessed with it. And “live” for these things.
I joke about things most people don’t: the husband’s the head of the house… And has his wife’s permission to say so because we’re a matriarchal society.
The materialism became blatant to me when my friend, Lee was dumping his girlfriend, Stacey for sagging boobs and bad breath. Then he learned she had a sister, Lisa whom he wanted to meet. So he conspired to “play musical sisters”: made a double date. And chose a jerk to occupy Stacey while he went after Lisa and to “cover-the-bases” (ensure Lisa would not like him). The family welcomed Lee because he is a computer programmer. They thought he made big money and wanted him to marry Lisa and buy her a house.
Lisa treated Lee badly because she did not like him and if he left her she could fool her family. She loved her ex-boyfriend, Felix, a divorced Puerto Rican with children. Her family used emotional-“blackmail” to make her chose peace with them over the freedom to be with the man she loved: they lived around the block and ignored her on the street. When she called her mother would not talk to her.
Her middle sister, Betty lived nearby with her husband and two small boys. She told Lisa she can’t call or see her nephews. You’re no longer their aunt. We’re going to sit Shiva (morn for dead).” Lisa became pregnant and had an abortion. She was a “maverick”, but the pressure “broke” her: she tried to slash her wrists. Fortunately, Stacey stopped her. When she sought Stacey’s support in reconciling with Felix she was pressured to keep Lee, even though everyone knew she did not love him. I know all this because Ben “hooked up” our best pal Mike with Stacey and they fell in love.
Mike’s brother’s a dr., and cured a bad cough several doctors could not. Mike later succeeded in getting her doctor to eliminate asthma medicine that altered her heartbeat and caused severe chest pains. Her family thought she needed it for life, despite only being 24.
But that was irrelevant to her family. He lost his job when he was hurt at work. They felt he was lazy and pressured her, as they did Lisa, to choose peace with them, over the freedom to be with the man she loves, until she “broke” too.
Sadly, Stacey’s mom is a “persecutor” who “installed buttons and weapons” such as intimidation, guilt and making her love strictly conditional upon approval at an early age to make Stacey a “puppet”, emotionally dependent, instill -fear, destroy self-esteem and sense of independence. If the mother did not talk to her Stacey could not sleep. Her mother told her, “You’re a ‘part-time’ daughter! And a daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is only a son, until he takes a wife.”
This sounds horrific. Unfortunately, they are typical in many ways. Mike’s parents are a lot like them: very critical, repressive, use guilt & try to control their children too. Mine do too. They measure many things in money & pressured him twice a day to leave her because they felt she was sickly. His mom said, see others. When he said they agreed not to, she said, “I won’t tell. She doesn’t have to know.” If he had two sisters they would do the same thing. So would mine.
I’m often reminded of our materialism: one Saturday I went to a friend’s temple. I chatted with the rabbi after services and asked where I can meet a nice, Jewish, girl as they all want a resume for a dance and a resume for a date.
He replied, “Get -with it. Get with the act.” I took it to mean I should go with the flow as it’s- not changing.
This was reinforced in a rather blunt manner by Debbie, a gal who had nothing to worry about because she had nothing to worry with. I dated her briefly, despite asking things with our first chat I cannot forget: “How’s the money on your job? Can you afford an engagement ring?” Because my parents pressed me to dump a Protestant Woman I was dating and find a Jewish one I called her again.
During that call she kept asking what car I drive. I asked why and she said, “I want to know if you can afford a new one,”
Then one day I was in Boro Park (Orthodox neighborhood), when I heard my brother ask a couple do you know any nice Jewish girls? They asked him if he was a doctor. When I told them a good person and professionals are not always synonymous. They paused and said, “You’re right, but we all knew the cost of living today.” I told this to an Orthodox man when we were chatting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. He half-jokingly said, “There’s your problem: you’re buying a used car. If you want a Jewish girl you must buy a new one.” Mike told me Stacey said my sister, Betty wants the world. And my brother-in-law wants to give it to her. An Orthodox neighbor, a teacher, told his teenage daughter to marry a doctor or lawyer from Long Island. If I live to be 99, I will never forget the look on his face when I asked where he would be if his father-in-law said that to his wife. I thought my friend Sam came here when the Soviet Union conquered Poland because he is Orthodox and sought religious and political freedom. But he enlightened me: “Don’t delude yourself, money’s important. My wife might not have married if I wasn’t a college professor. I wouldn’t have been what she was looking for.”
Our second biggest fault is being a matriarchal society. The women run the home. They are often called “generals” because they try to control everything. My friend Mel said, “My sister was a ‘five-star’, God-rest-her-soul.” Unfortunately, many men “trade their pants for a skirt” (subservient) because they fear their women:
When Ben and Lisa dated they had a huge fight and split. I asked him why. He said, “I was really sick a few times and she didn’t help me. But I didn’t say anything, even though I’d have helped her. Then she made plans to go upstate for the weekend. I didn’t say anything. Then she made plans to meet people for breakfast.
I’ll have to get-up at dawn. I work very hard; I’ve been real sick and need my rest. She obviously doesn’t love me. But I wasn’t going to say anything because I was afraid she’d lose her temper…”
Guilt and family pressure made her reconcile. They later had a “shot-gun” wedding. Lisa had him un-invite Mike because of Stacey. He later asked me not to call his home because her family is often over.
My friend, Roger, boasted, “I made the ultimate sacrifice for my girlfriend: I gave up my friends.” One day we were chatting and she complimented me. He asked her what about me, and she said shut-up. He did.
My pal, Roy said, “My mom goes with her boyfriend, Jay even though he’s not ‘happening’ (handsome) because she can ‘squeeze his manhood’ (rule). And he goes with her even though she ‘squeezes his manhood’ because she’s ‘happening’.”
When I asked him if his girlfriend has single friends he said, “You’re not as nice as me: you wouldn’t put up with the ‘shit’ I do: she gets in her moods where it must be her way, or no way!
Oh, but I’d rather switch than fight! Life’s short! It’s not worth it!”
Jay and I were chatting when he said, “I have to go. Mary’s waiting. Do you want to get me in trouble with her?”
When my brother, Joe was married he often fought for control cause her ma, older sister & sister-in-law ran their homes & my dad runs ours.
My friend Joan said, “I thought my son the doctor was marrying a nice Jewish girl who worships the ground he walks on. But I’ve seen her turn into a demanding JAP.” I asked what he told her. She said, “I’ve seen him turn a typical Jewish husband.”
I met a gal in a local store. When I called she wanted me to take her for a stake dinner. I politely refused. She called a few days later seeking to borrow $. I decided then I wasn’t taking her out. A few days later she called to ask me to co-sign a loan.
The extent of our religious practices are lighting a menorah on Chanukah and eating matzoth on Passover. We eat some ethnic foods: borsht and shav with sour cream (cold spinach and beet soup, Russian dishes). My brother, Howard said, “When I come to visit from Oregon I know it’s Shabbat when I wake to the mouth-watering-aroma of bacon. It just wouldn’t be Shabbat without it. It doesn’t taste the same on other days!” I ask mom if it is a triple or quadruple sin to cook it on Shabbat.
Since my family is not religious I decided to see what it was like to be gentile. So last Christmas I stayed -up with kosher cookies, for Santa. I hoped that since so many neighbors moved he would not know who stayed and I would not have to convert for him to come.
Sure enough he flew-by, rang his bell, waved and shouted, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” I waved back and motioned for him to come-in. But he said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! I don’t think so!” Then he pointed to the upstairs window as he flew-by.
I grabbed my coat & ran out calling for him to return. Soon he grew so small as he got further away. I just stood there for a while. I was so disappointed. Soon a small tear welled up in the corner of my eye and slowly rolled down my cheek. It was cold out & the wind was whipping fiercely. But I must have stood there at least fifteen minutes, freezing & hoping he would return. He did not. Slowly I turned to go back in the house. I was so puzzled. What could he have saw, I asked myself? Then I remembered he pointed to the top floor window. So I looked up and to my surprise the menorah was still lit! I could not believe it! I was so mad! I knew I forgot something. Now I have to wait until next Christmas & hope Santa forgets.
People wonder why we have a different new year. There are several reasons: a) a fundamental distinction us and other religions are we consider Jesus one, of many human prophets. So we consider it the year 5,768 V. 2007 because we didn’t turn the clock back when Jesus died. B) The January-December calendar is known as the Gregorian calendar and was introduced by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582. It’s based on an even earlier calendar, the Julian calendar that was introduced by Julius Caesar in 46 B.C.
The Jewish calendar not only is of much earlier origin but also differs from the Gregorian calendar in numerous ways: the Jewish calendar is based on the moon (lunar), not the sun (solar).
So the Jewish calendar contains a number of "new year" dates. This is like having
a fiscal year that overlaps two calendar years. The month of Tishrei, which begins with Rosh Hashanah, is the beginning of the year vis-à-vis the number of years, e.g., 5752, 5753, etc.
The month of Nissan, the month in which Passover falls, is considered the beginning of the year with regard to the- festivals (Passover, Shavuot and Suckus) as well as for the establishment of the reign of a Jewish king.
Insight: Our calendar is based on the moon, and similarly the Jewish people are compared to the moon. No matter how dark life seems for the Jewish people, we must know that the "light" is already waiting to reappear. Jewish history is an ongoing portrayal of this principle. Also, unlike the sun, which -is -always present in its fullest form, the moon progresses in stages, until it is full and radiant.
Because Jews don’t believe a Savior came, we cast bread crumbs on the water to atone for sins. I tease people about how many loaves they need. I was friends with my history professor when I was an undergrad. He was Jewish too, from Budapest and-.like many Europeans he was rather blunt: when I spoke to him in Yiddish he said, “Do not delude your self. You do not speak Yiddish. You know a few phrases. But you do not speak Yiddish “
To repay his candor I asked if he needed Algebra to determine the quantity of bread he’d need: X times Y = Z: a slice of bread times the number of sins committed = total of loaves needed. I later said I heard you had to cut it to ½ a slice of day old bread to save money.
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there’s a ceremony called Tashlich: we go to a body of water to pray & toss breadcrumbs.
This Symbolizes- throwing away one's sins which the fish devour.
Notice that lighting candles is a big part of Judaism. We light candles every Friday for Shabbos, we light candles on every festival, and Chanukah is all about candles. What is the connection between candles and spirituality?
Answer: There is something about a candle that makes it more a spiritual element than physical. Physicality when spread becomes thin. Spirituality when spread expands and grows.
When you use something physical, it is diminished. The more money you spend, the less you have; the more petrol you use, the more empty your tank becomes; the more food you eat the more you need to restock. But spiritual things increase with use. If I use my wisdom to teach, the student learns, and I come out smarter for it; if I share my love with another, I become more loving, not less. When you give a spiritual gift, the recipient gains, and you lose nothing.
This is the spiritual property that candles share. When you use one candle to light another, the original candle remains bright. Its light is not diminished by being shared. On the contrary: the two candles together enhance each others brightness & increase light.
We sometimes worry that we may stretch ourselves too thin. In matters of sprit, It isn't true. The more goodness we spread the more goodness we have. By making a new friend you become a better friend to your old friends. By having another child you open a new corridor of love in your heart that -your -other children benefit from too. By teaching more students you become wiser.
Keep lighting your candles. There is an endless supply of light in your soul. You will never run out of goodness.
Good Shabbos and Happy Chanukah, Rabbi Moss
For more about Chanukah see www.virtualchanukah.com
Why you never hear ‘Muslim jokes’ Jackie Mason. Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be hit with rocks, have your car wrecked & your embassies destroyed. Ironically, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam; they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries that apply to their behavior. They not only have the right to take your life; they now have the right to rob your freedom of -expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak into your house & steal your Lipitor or make a deal with your doctor to lie about your cholesterol, or just when you fasted a whole day on Yom Kippur he’d sneak into your house & steal all the Pastrami. I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That’s why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew is not going to chance spraining his neck or tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He’d rather buy another & avoid the whole problem. That’s why there are also no Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks. When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, the Jews became dentists, and that way they decided to let other people play the game while they found a way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical battles. That is why people never fear being attacked by a Jew.
Ever hear anybody say, ‘Don’t –go- into that neighborhood, it is very dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there’?
Jews have so long been accustomed to being threatened and persecuted all over the world that they could never dream of creating- needless violence anywhere, because they would be grateful to find a place where they are allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them with any more cartoons. Could anything be more perverted?
It’s Tuesday and today’s the day that Hannah and Becky go to their local swimming pool for their weekly exercise. As they are undressing, Hannah looks down at Becky’s body, points and asks, “I’ve always wanted to ask you this, Becky, but how come most of the hair on your head is grey, but down there your hair is a lovely auburn?”
“Because down there I’ve got no worries,” replies Becky. A betting man
Abe is reading his Jewish Chronicle when his wife Ruth walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with her hand.
“What on earth was that for?” shouts Abe.
“That,” she replies, “was because I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name ‘Judith Pasha’ written on it.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, darling,” Abe says. “Don’t you remember last week when I went to Ascot races? Well, ‘Judith Pasha’ was the name of one of the horses I bet on whilst I was there.”
Ruth gives a shrug and walks away muttering to herself.
A few days later, Abe is reading his Times newspaper when Ruth again walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head, but this time much harder.
“What was that for?” Abe shouts, rubbing the back of his head.
Ruth replies, “Your horse just called.” Where have you been?
Although married, Moshe is infatuated with Mary, his secretary. So- one- lunchtime he takes a chance and says to her, “Let’s go back to your place.”
To Moshe’s surprise, Mary smiles and says, “What a good idea, Moshe. Yes, I’d love to.”
They get to her house and make mad passionate love all afternoon. Then, totally exhausted, they fall asleep and don’t wake up until 7pm.
“Oy veh,” shouts Moshe, jumping out of her bed, “just look at the time.”
As he’s getting dressed, Moshe tells Mary to take his shoes into the garden and rub them thoroughly into the wet mud and grass. She does what she’s told even though she doesn’t know why. Moshe finishes dressing, puts on his shoes and drives home.
As soon as he opens his front door, there’s his wife Rifka waiting for him. “So, where have you been?” demands Rifka, angrily.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you,” replies Moshe. “I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been making love all afternoon. Then I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 7 o’clock.”
Rifka takes one look at his shoes and says, “You lying momzer. You’ve been playing golf again.”
The record breaker
Maurice the mortician is working late one night when they bring him the body of a Mr Schwartz to examine. Schwartz is to be buried early the next day. As he examines the body, Maurice can’t help but notice that Schwartz has the biggest shlong he’s ever seen.
“I’m sorry, Schwartz,” says Maurice, as he carefully removes the organ with his scalpel, “but I can’t send your ‘pride and joy’ to be buried with you. This piece of flesh needs to be saved for posterity.” He then stuffs it into his briefcase and takes it home with him.
The first person he shows it to is his wife. “Darling,” he says, “I’ve got something to show you that you won’t believe.” He then opens up his briefcase.
“Oy veh zmir,” she cries out, with tears running down her face, “Schwartz is dead.” (shlong: male organ) The convert
Even though Mordechai has been a frummerfor over 50 years, one morning, immediately he awakes, he realises he’s fed up with all the strict observances to Jewish law. So he turns to his wife and says, “Bracha, darling, I’ve had enough of getting up early every morning to put on my tefillin and say the same prayers. I’ve made a decision – I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism.”
“Don’t be so stupid, Mordechai.” says Bracha.
But Mordechai won’t be swayed by his wife’s arguments. He gets dressed, leaves the house and asks a passer-by for directions to the nearest church. When he gets there, he discusses his intentions with the priest. The following day, he begins taking instruction and on the day after that he’s baptized into the Catholic faith.
It’s now Thursday morning. Mordechai awakes early as usual and without thinking, puts on his tefillin and starts reciting his morning prayers.
“What are you doing, Mordechai?” asks Esther. “I thought you became a Catholic to avoid ever having to do this again.”
“Oy veh,” cries Mordechai, smacking himself on the middle of his forehead with the palm of his hand, “goyisher kop!“
(frummer: very religious person)
(goyisher kop!: gentile brains!)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
If you wish to know The Way, don’t ask for directions. Argue.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
Those who know do not kibitz (joke). Those who kibitz do not know.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Don’t ask for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The Torah says, “Love they neighbor as thyself.”
The Buddha says there is no “self.” So maybe you are off the hook.
Do not kvetch (gripe). Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the 2nd satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships.
If that doesn’t work, try small-claims court.
Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer.
Ask only, “Is it good or bad for the Jews?”
To practice Zen & the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance,
do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Whenever you feel anger, you should say, “May I be free of this anger!”
This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public encourages others to let u be.
The Buddha taught that one should practice lovingkindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are 10,000 flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul.
Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked?
Remember, this was before the nose job.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy.It takes effort to attain nothingness.And then what do you have?Bupkes.
Is that you?
Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. “Hurry,” she says to him, “stand in the corner, my husband’s here.” Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispers to him, “pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, darling?” says Bernie as he enters the bedroom.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” replies Becky. “The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom & when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one.”
Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night.
At 2 am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen & returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye & a glass of o.j. “Here,” he whispers to the statue, “Eat-this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days & nobody even offered me a glass of water.” Special offers
Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. “A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p.”
“1p?” exclaims Sam, “that’s really cheap.”
Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, “I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard.”
“Certainly,” replies the barman, “but that’s going to cost you real money.”
“So how much is real money?” asks Sam.
“5p,” replies the waiter.
“5p?” says Sam, “that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?”
“He’s upstairs with my wife,” replies the waiter.
“What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” asks Sam.
“The same thing as I’m doing to his business,” replies the waiter. A few seconds of thought – 1
Esther, 85 years old, is walking around the lounge in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon. As she walks past each male resident, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says, “Supersex!”
As she reaches wheelchair-bound Cyril, she flips up her gown at him and says, “Supersex!”
Cyril sits silently for a few seconds and then says, “I’ll take the soup, please.” A few seconds of thought – 2
85-year old Esther bursts into the TV room in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon, holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”
Maurice, an elderly resident sitting at the back of the room, shouts out, “Is it an elephant?”
Esther thinks for a few seconds and then says, “Close enough.” How to impress a woman
Wine her; Dine her; Call her; Hug her; Support her; Hold her; Surprise her; Compliment her; Smile at her; Listen to her; Laugh with her; Cry with her; Romance her; Encourage her; Believe in her; Cuddle her; Shop with her; Give her jewellery; Buy her flowers; Hold her hand; Write love letters to her; Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her. How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring- him chicken wings; Don’t-stand in front of the TV. Why do you want to be that?
Three 12 year olds, Benjy, Sidney and Oliver, are sitting on the balcony of Benjy’s 6th floor flat discussing the jobs they’d like to do when they grow up.
“I want to be an actuary,” Sidney says.
“Why do you want to be that?” the other two ask.
“Well,” replies Sidney, “do u see that silver car down there? Well that’s a Lexus IS250 and all actuaries drive Lexus cars.”
“Well,” says Oliver, “I want to be a footballer.”
“Why do you want to be that?” the other two ask.
Oliver points to the car next to the Lexus and says, “that car’s a Bentley and all good footballers drive Bentley cars.”
Benjy says, “When I grow up I want to be a koorveh.”
“Why do you want to be that?” the other two ask.
“Because my dad says my older sister is a koorveh and that Lexus and that Bentley are both hers.” (koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position) The special dinner guest
Paul and Natalie have invited their elderly rabbi for dinner. While they’re in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi is in the dining room with their 5 year-old daughter.
“So tell me, Emma,” asks the rabbi, “do you know what we’re having tonight?”
“Goat,” replies Emma.
“Goat?” says the startled rabbi. “Are you sure about that, Emma?”
“Oh yes, rabbi,” replies Emma, “I heard daddy say to mummy, ‘Today’s as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’” A woman’s poem He didn’t like my salt beef
And-he didn’t like my cake.
My kichel were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t make the borsht right
He left the cholent stew.
I didn’t wash his gatkes…
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and gave him a potch…
Like his mother used to do.
(kichel: small round plain biscuit)
(cholent: potted meat and vegetables simmered overnight)
(borsht: beetroot soup)
(gatkes: underpants) The instructor
Joel and Sarah are soon getting married but are so ‘innocent’ that neither knows what to do on their wedding night. So they agree to see the wise Rabbi Levy for advice. After they explain their predicament, Rabbi Levy takes them up to his bedroom and says, “It’s easier to show you what to do than to explain. Sarah, could you please get undressed and lie down on my bed. I’ll then show you what to do.”
Sarah does what she’s told & Rabbi Levy then begins to show them, personally & in great detail, all the steps involved in making love on their first night. When he finishes, he gets off the bed & says to Joel, “Now take Sarah home & practice what I just showed u.”
But Sarah interrupts. With her face all flushed, she says, “Wait a minute, Rabbi. Sow Joel again…. he’s a bit forgetful.” Life saver
One day, it was so hot in Miami that Becky almost died on the beach. It was just lucky that a lifeguard opened her mink coat in time. The quarrel
Moshe and Hetty have been married for 10 years. One day, after their usual quarrel, Hetty says, “You know, Moshe, I was a fool when I married you.”
“Yes, dear,” replies Moshe, “but I was in love and I didn’t notice it.”
On the job
Abe goes into his local WHSmith bookshop and asks the saleswoman, “Excuse me, but where is the self-help section?”
She replies, “If I told you, sir, it would defeat the purpose.” A history lesson
An American, an Englishman and an Israeli are indulging in a bit of boasting.
The American says, “One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence.”
The Englishman says, “That’s nothing. One of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta.”
The Israeli quietly says, “You think that’s something? One of my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments.” Riddle
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.
Mrs. Goldstein and Jesus In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from New York treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida.
Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
”Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”
“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”
“Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”
“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”
“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”
”Jesus, Son of Mary.”
”Where was he born?”
”In-a-stable”. ”And why was he born in a stable?”
”Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!” The jokers
Laurence the explorer hires the best jungle guide there is to take him into the middle of darkest Africa. After months of travel, they arrive at a jungle clearing & there, sitting in a circle, is Big Chief Levy & all his tribe. As Laurence watches, one of the natives- calls out, “44″ & everyone in the circle, including Chief Levy, all laugh out loud. Then another native calls out, “63″ & again they all laugh loudly.
Laurence is surprised by this behavior and tells his guide to find out more about the ceremony. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and explains that the tribe always enjoys a good joke. Each joke has been given a number and to save time telling the jokes, they just call out its number. Laurence immediately tells his guide to get him invited to join the circle. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and says, “Chief Levy say you can join the circle and tell one joke.”
Laurence joins the circle and calls out, “27.” But no-one laughs. There isn’t even a titter – just complete silence. Even the birds are quiet. So Laurence tells his guide, “Ask Chief Levy why no one laughed at my joke.” The guide does as he’s told and when he returns, he says, “They didn’t like the way you told joke 27.”
Laurence tells his guide to get him one more-go. The guide comes back & says, “u lucky. Chief Levy say-u can have just one more go.”
Laurence calls out, “159″… and instantly, Chief Levy and his whole tribe fall about with raucous laughter for ten minutes. When the laughter finally dies down, Laurence asks his guide to find out what happened this time. The guide speaks to the -Chief, returns to Laurence and says, “Chief Levy say, ‘Great! We hadn’t heard that one before.’” The book competition
Rabbi Josephs has an appointment to see his old friend Rabbi Bloom and Lionel, the shammes, kindly agrees to drive him there. When they arrive, Rabbi Bloom is on the phone and asks them to wait in his study.
As soon as they enter the study, Rabbi Josephs walks over to the well stocked bookcase and begins to look carefully at the many books on display. Suddenly, Rabbi Josephs pulls a book from the shelf, opens it, scans the pages and goes very pale. Still holding the book, he has to sit down for a moment. When the color comes back to his face, he gets up, kisses the book and puts it back on the shelf. Lionel doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
But then it happens again. Rabbi Josephs takes hold of another book, opens the pages, stares at what he finds & as before, has to sit down in case he faints. A few moments later, he gets up, kisses the book & replaces it. This time, Lionel decides to ask Rabbi Joseph if everything is OK.
“Rabbi,” Lionel asks, “what was wrong with that book you just put back?”
“Nothing Lionel, nothing at all,” said Rabbi Joseph, smiling. “Just for a moment there, I thought Rabbi Bloom had another book I didn’t..” Riddle
Q: Why do pensioners enjoy being called ‘seniors’?
A: Because the term comes with a 10% percent discount. The fishing trip
Jonathan phones home and tells his wife Rachel, “Darling, my boss has just asked me to go fishing with him to the Lake District. We’re leaving this afternoon and several of our top clients are joining us there. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been waiting for, so could you please pack my small suitcase for me. Put in enough clothes for a week, including my new blue silk pajamas & get out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving the office in about 30 minutes and we’ll stop by the house to pick up my things.”
Rachel thinks this a bit odd, but nevertheless does what her husband asks. One week later, Jonathan returns home looking quite tired. Rachel welcomes him back and asks him if he caught many fish.
“Yes, darling,” Jonathan replies, “lots of salmon and rainbow trout. We ate all we caught. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas like I asked?”
“But I did,” Rachel replies innocently, “they were in your tackle box.”
MORAL: Men shouldn’t think they can outsmart women!
Cyril buys a new telephone-answering machine with a pre-recorded message in a man’s voice, but he forgets to tell his elderly ma. Soon after the phone is connected, it rings & Cyril decides to test it. After the pre-recorded message, there’s a pause & the caller hangs up without leaving any message. The phone soon rings again, & the same thing happens.
When the phone rings for a third time, Cyril hears, “Cyril, this is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me.” The pair of trousers
Jeremy orders a pair of trousers from LEVINE BROS, TAILORS. Frank takes the order and tells Jeremy that they will be ready in a week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time
This-goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy’s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
“Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine,” says Jeremy, “but I need to ask you a question. How come G-d was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?”
“Ah, it’s simple,” replies Frank. “Just look at the condition of the world & then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I’ve made for u.” Family fortunes
Renee is talking to her friend Talya. “So Talya,” she says, “you’re telling me that you want to divorce your Mervyn due to incompatibility problems?”
“Yes, you’ve got it in one,” Talya replies.
“Why? Aren’t your relations any good?” asks Renee.
“Well,” replies Talya, “mine are wonderful, but Melvyn’s …..Oy! what yachnas and krechtzers!”
yachna: a gossip, a busybody, a meddling, troublemaking female
krechtzer: a complainer, someone who grunts and groans all day Jewish husbands and wives He will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs, whereas she will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need.
She worries about the future until she gets a husband, whereas he never worries about the future until he gets a wife. He is successful if he can make more money than she can, whereas she is successful if she can find such a man.
· To be happy with him, she must understand him a lot and love him a little, whereas to be happy with her, he must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
· He will live longer than single men do, but then he’s a lot more willing to die.
· She marries him expecting him to change (but he doesn’t), whereas he marries her expecting that she won’t change (but she does).
· She has the last word in any argument, whereas anything he says after that is the beginning of a new argument. A rose by any other name
Sarah is married to a well known horticulturist and is both proud and flattered when one day he creates a new type of rose and names it after her. But her happiness is soon cut short when she reads the rose’s description in the catalogue,
“No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
Abe and his wife Freda
Abe believes Freda is a sex object because every time he asks for sex, she objects. But he welcomes the slight impediment in her speech because every now and then she has to stop to breathe.
On the other hand, Freda doesn’t hate Abe enough to give him back his diamonds. She says, “I know money can’t buy me happiness and I’m suffering, but at least I’m suffering in comfort.”
A primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers
In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come to the rescue. So, it happened that a defence counsel, arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a responsive pleading:
“It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through the dreck of the plaintiff’s original and supplemental statement of undisputed facts.”
The plaintiff’s attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with the following motion that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers.
“Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as “dreck” on page 11 of Defendant’s Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts, a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A.
As grounds, therefore, plaintiff states: For almost four –years, now, plaintiff and her- attorneys- have- been- subjected- to- the constant kvetching by defendant’s counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff’s responses to discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsouris among plaintiff’s counsel and a gantzeh megillah for the Court. Now that plaintiff’s counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff’s claims and the factual basis thereof, defendant’s counsel have the chutzpah to call it “dreck” and to urge the Court to ignore it.
Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons. First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term “dreck” as it would be to use “the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement.” (Rosten, The-Joys- of- Yiddish. Simon & Schuster, NY, 1968, p. 103).
Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff’s counsel in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this litigation. Finally, since not all of plaintiff’s lawyers are yeshiva buchers, defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish. WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court puts an end to this mishegass.”
dreck: (vulgar) excrement
tsimmes: a vegetable stew; big deal; fuss
tsouris: troubles, worries, suffering
gantzeh megillah: big deal (sarcastic); a long, boring story or speech
chutzpah: insolence, impudence, unmitigated cheek, effrontery
chozzerai: junk, trash; awful food; anything disgusting or loathsome
yeshiva buchers: a yeshiva student; a gullible or inexperienced person
mishegass: madness, absurdity The English lesson
Harry has reached 60 and for some reason seems to have lost the ability to make love to his wife Kitty. She is not amused and tells him, “So get it sorted out already, Harry.”
Harry goes to see Doctor Myers. Two weeks later, after many tests and some lotions, potions and powders, nothing has improved for poor Harry, so Doctor Myers says, “May I suggest that you go see Vivian Agra, someone I met recently at a doctors’ convention. She’s very nice and specializes in erectile problems using ancient Indian treatments.
Harry goes to see Vivian and after a thorough examination, she says, “I can help you.” She then takes some blue powder from a glass jar and throws it into a candle flame. There’s a bright flash and Harry is suddenly covered with billowing blue smoke. When the smoke clears, Harry says, “Is that it? I’m cured?”
Vivian replies, “Sort of. Even though it’s a powerful medicine, it’s only given you the chance to make love once a year. To do that, all you have to do is say, ‘123,’ and you’ll be able to ‘stay up’ for as long as you want.”
“But,” asks Harry, “what happens when it’s over and I don’t want to continue?” “All you or your wife has to do,” replies Vivian, “is say ‘1234’ and it will ‘go down’. But I must warn you – you won’t be able to enjoy another erection for 12 months.”
When Harry gets home, he has a wide smile on his face as he tells Kitty, “It’s done. You just wait until tonight, my little sex kitten.”
That night he gets ready for the main event. He showers, shaves and smears on his expensive aftershave. As he gets into bed with Kitty, he says, “123.” Immediately, he becomes more aroused than ever before, exactly as Vivian predicted. But as he climbs on top of Kitty, she says to him, “What did you say 123 for?”
(And now you know why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.) Solving mother’s problems
Miriam is a mother who’s having serious problems with her young son Nathan. She’s in such a state that her doctor recommends she see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. He then writes out a letter for her to give to the psychiatrist.
Later that week, Miriam has her first appointment with the psychiatrist. After he spends an hour talking to her, he says, “You seem to be far too upset and worried about Nathan than you ought to be. So, Miriam, I’m going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers. These are the very latest on the market. Start taking them regularly from today and I’ll see you again in a month’s time.”
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asks, “So, Miriam, you look much more relaxed than the last time I saw you. Have the tranquilizers I gave you calmed you down?”
“Yes, doctor, the pills have been marvellous. I feel so carefree,” replies Miriam.
“And how is Nathan behaving?” he asks.
“Who cares?” replies Miriam with a ‘shrug’ of her arms. Familiar faces
Lionel and his wife Sharon have just done their weekly shopping at Marks & Spencer food hall and are now queuing to pay. Suddenly, remembering that she needs some money, Sharon leaves Lionel to pay while she goes outside to look for a cash dispenser.
Lionel pays for the food, but as he’s wheeling the trolley outside the store, he sees a gorgeous woman smiling at him. Then, to his surprise, she says to him, “Hello.”
He starts to think, ‘She looks a bit familiar but I just can’t place where I might know her from.’ So Lionel replies, “Hello. Do I know you?”
“I’m not sure,” she replies, “I could be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.”
Lionel is shocked and immediately starts thinking back to the time of his one and only indiscretion. So, blushing heavily, he says to her, “Oy Veh, are you the lady I met some year’s back at my shul’s Chanukah party when my wife was at home in bed with the flu? When you and I had too much Palwin wine to drink? Where we found a nice quiet room in the secretary’s office and made great love, with you scratching my back with your nails in your excitement?”
There is a short pause… “No, you’ve got the wrong woman,” she replies with a smile, “I’m your son’s Science teacher!” Jews with a Butler An elderly Jewish couple won 20 million in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and brought him home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for eight when they had expressly asked him to set it for four. The butler replied, “The Cohen’s telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes.”
Jewish minds think differently
A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
“Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman. “Do you have one to sell?”
Becky’s grandson & his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. She’s giving him directions: “Come to the front door of the oldest Green block of flats. I’m # 32, on the 14th floor. At the front door, there’s a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push 32. I’ll buzz you in. The lift is on the right. Get in, & with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my bell”.
“I got it, grandma. Why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
“You’re coming empty handed”, she asked? Evening Prayers When young David’s pop asked him to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn’t have his head covered…so he asked his little brother, Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry soon grew impatient & removed his hand.
The father said, “This is important…put your hand back on his head!”
-To which Henry exclaimed, “What, am I my brother’s kipah?” One Last Wish Just before Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the Shul & take- the rabbi, the cantor & the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands- tough, he won’t give them -a million $, a getaway car, or jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad & they’re going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they’re not really bad, they’ll grant each hostage one wish. “Please,” says- the rabbi, “for the last two months I’ve been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I’ll go happily if you let me recite it. It’s 2 ½ hours, tops.” The terrorists promise to grant it. ”Please,” says, the cantor, “after 50 years I’ve finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die & not sing it to an audience. It’s only 45 minutes long, then- I’ll go happily.” The terrorists promise to grant the cantor’s wish, & turn to the shul president. “Please,” says, the president with tears in his eyes. “Shoot me first!” Jewish Professions Three older women were boasting about their children. The first one says, “My son graduated with honors from Stanford, is a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago.” The second woman says, “My son graduated first in his class from Harvard, is a lawyer making ½ million a year & lives in LA.” The last woman says, “My son Morris never did well in school or went to a university. But he makes 1 million a year in NY as a sports repairman.” The other two women ask, “Vot is a sports repairman?” The third momma proudly replies, “Morris fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches….” True Love An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married – 70 years &, clearly, were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over & said to his host, “It’s wonderful that after all these- years, you still call your wife those loving pet names” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.” Clana (Little) Abe Abe goes into Church, takes out the Tallis, & yarmulke, dresses himself, and proceeds to pray. The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says,” Will all non Catholics please leave.” Abe continues davening (bowing from waist). Next request, again “Will all non Catholics please leave.” Nothing, finally, the Priest gets up & says,” Will ALL JEWS please leave.” At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis & removes his yarmulke. Then be goes to the altar, picks up a statue of baby Jesus & says the immortal words “Come bubbela they don’t want us here anymore.”
Jackie Mason’s Opposition to Spanish Being Spoken As a National Language
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity &, above all, the purity of the English Language. To all the schlemiels, schlimazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes (fool), shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, & momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I for one, believe that English & only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, (choked up) I’m fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schemer gets me broyges, especially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah! These shmegeges (idiots) can tout their schlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It’s all so much dreck (crap), as far as I’m concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen (good folks) about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, (mut) farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn’t be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they’ve got bubkes (nothing)! The whole mynseh is a pain in my tuchas (butt)! Jackie Mason
*IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER***
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MA: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”
C. COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MA:”I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MA:”A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MA: “You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your coat & show me!”
LNCOLN’S JEWISH MA: “Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kid s?”
WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MA: “Next time I see u throwing $ across the Potomac, u can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
EDISON’S JEWISH MA: “Okay, so I’m proud: you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already & go to sleep!”
P. REVERE’S JEWISH MA:”I don’t care where u think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”
EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MA: “Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”
MOSES’ JEWISH MA: “Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?”
BILL GATES’ JEWISH MA: “It would have killed you to become a doctor?”
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MA: “Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!”
Corny Jewish jokes…
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
Under same management for over 5767 years.
Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided
to send grandma on a cruise…
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.”
She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”
She then went to there and showed her ticket to the purser.
He said, “You also have an O.C.”
“Grandma replied, “O.C.? Voos is O.C.?”
The purser said, “O.C. is Outside Cabin.”
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, & he said, “U also- have B.I.B.”
“B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?” asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, “B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.”
“Oh!” she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful.”
Well, the next morning, bright & early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed.
She said, “F.U.C.K.”
Shocked, they said, “F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?”
She replied, “F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock!”
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person goes into a deli & orders a-pastrami on white with mayo, somewhere a Jew “dies”.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” Moshe asked. “Yes, or no,” she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a nice living….”
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…. and forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed not to talk about our kids.” A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women & asks, “Is anything all right?”
You may recall ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don’t you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. All we need is a rim shot with a cymbal crash!! There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
Someone stole my credit card, but I won’t report it. The thief spends less than my wife.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for 2 hours. That was just the estimate. She got a mudpack & looked good for 2 days. Then it fell-off.
I was just in London-there’s a 6-hour time difference. I’m confused. When I go to dinner, I’m sexy. When I go to bed, I’m hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: ”I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, “Give me $10 till payday.” The Jewish fellow responded, “When’s payday?” The bum said, “I don’t know! You’re the one that’s working!”
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of. Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”
5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good, “said the mother. ”I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school & tells his ma he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it? The boy says, “A Jewish husband.” She scowls & says, “Go back & tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner
10. Q: How many Jewish moms does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mom on the street & said “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force- yourself,” she replied.
13. Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, to get some humor out of life & to-pass-it-on-to-others.
One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most
famous man who ever lived.”
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The Teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I’ll give you the $10.” As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know, Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said ‘Jesus Christ’.”
Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business
The Jewish Salesman
Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti- Semitic buyer.
“Goldstein,” the buyer says, smugly, “You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach room the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis.”
Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells, “What’s going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!”
Goldstein replies calmly: “The tip of my penis is in Poland.”
When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.
At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup.
George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can’t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn’t at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep’s eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then- swallows.
A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
“That was delicious,” Bush says to Sharon. “Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?”
A JEWISH FUNERAL!
Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said, “Well, I ‘m sure Sam would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost?”
“All of it,” said Rose … $50,000.” “No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really … $50,000?” Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi’s services. The shiva food & drinks were $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Sadie computed quickly, “$42,500- for- a- memorial- stone? Oy vey, how big is it?” Five-1/2 -Carats!!”
Moshe was on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted; Israel being- attacked; Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage; Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks; Jews control the media; Jews are all rich and powerful; Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai’s which are too heavy. This condition is calledchaiatal hernia!”
Yiddish Proverb You can fall down by yourself but you need a friend’s hand to get up.
A woman in her mid-sixties spots a nice looking, well-dressed man at a table in a bar all alone. Sheapproaches this aged gentlemen and says: “I saw you sitting all alone, and you looked so veryhandsome. And, I LOVE bald-headed men! “
He replies: “But, I’ve still got some hair. I’m not bald yet!”
“That’s okay” she says: “I’ll wait!”
Airman Cohen was assigned to advise new recruits about GI Insurance. Captain Smith noticed that he had almost a 100% record for sales. Amazed, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Cohen’s pitch. Cohen explained the basics of GI Insurance, then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI Insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “So you tell me,” he concluded, “who do you think they’re going to send into battle first?”
It is a little-known fact that Golda Meir’s fierce nationalism was forged when she was a young woman. Golda had a waitress job on the Haifa ferry, serving smoked-salmon snacks to travelers. She was deeply moved when, one day, the ferry had to transport for burial the bodies of three civilians killed by terrorists. To this day Israeli children are told “the ferry tale of Golda, lox and the three biers.” (Chris Doyle)
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, “I gladdened seven hearts today.” “Seven hearts?” asks the friend. “How did you do that?” The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, “I performed three marriages.” The friend looks at him quizzically. “Seven?” he asks. “I could understand six, but…” “What do you think,” says the rabbi, “that I do this for free?”
My husband and I were touring our friends’ (The Cohens) new home. Mr. and Mrs. Harry Cohen had put special touches everywhere. In the bathroom, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, “They even have monogrammed faucets.”
Irving took his wife down to Miami. Boy can that woman talk. When they got home, her tongue was sunburned.
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
Moses Montefiore, the great nineteenth century philanthropist, once found himself seated next to an anti Semitic nobleman at a dinner party. “I have just returned from Japan,” the nobleman was saying, “and it is a most unusual country. Did you know that it has neither pigs nor Jews?” “In that case,” Montefiore replied, “you and I should go there, so it will have a sample of each.”
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O’TOOLE went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah. The priest smiled, “I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends – even partners. That’s a surprise!” “I’ve got a bigger surprise”, sighed the old man. “I’m O’Toole”.
Old man Katz is living at the nursing home for years. His roommate, Cohen, walks in and sees Katz sitting naked in the room, wearing only a top hat. “Why are you sitting here naked?” Cohen asks. “Its all right,” says Katz. “Nobody comes to visit.” “But- why-the-top -hat?” Cohen asks. “Well, maybe somebody will come.”
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. “Yes,” says the rabbi, “can I help you?” “Life is very hard for some,” says the man. “I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your- congregation.” “So tell me already,” says the rabbi. “Well,” says the man, “your Mrs Goldman owes a money lender over $1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to work and she can’t feed her children.” “It’s a terrible life, indeed,” says Rabbi Levy. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue straight away – I’ll even donate $100 of my own money. But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?” “Don’t be silly, rabbi,” says the man, “I’m the money lender.”
David Katz decided to be the first Jewish policeman in his city. A police officer was interviewing the young recruit. He said, “OK, David, if you’re driving at night and you’re being chased by a gang of criminals going sixty miles an hour, what would- you do?” Our applicant replied, “Seventy!”
Mollie had gotten her college age son Allen a job though a woman in Hadassah. Allen came over after his first week of work and told his mom about a woman shopper who had just about finished looking at all 50 trunks in the luggage department. When there was only one left, she said to Allen, “I don’t think I’m going to buy anything right now. I’m only looking for a friend.”
Allen, tired & a bit exasperated said he replied in a nice tone, “I’d be glad to let you look in this last one if you think that’s where she is.”
Finally, Mark Steinberg says to his neighbor, Kenneth: “Look, it’s clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?” Kenneth agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, Mark’s son, who had heard the whole conversation says, “That was a sporting offer you made.” “Not really,” says the dad. “This is the third time I’ve done this today.”
If you are sensitive to Jewish stereotyping, these jokes are not for you.
*Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
*A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?
*A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes”.
*Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
*A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’ favorite position?
*A: Facing Bloomingdale’s
*When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, “So did my arthritis.”
*A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
*”Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
*The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
*She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
*The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
*The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food if you called.”
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
*”Wonderful. What part is it?”
*The boy says,”I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
*The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
*Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
*A. Under the vacuum cleaner.
*Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
*A. (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady, I haven’t eaten in three-days.”
*”Force- yourself,” she replied.
* Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
* A: ‘Is ANYTHING all right?’
* Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
* A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, ‘Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.’ Sam replies, ‘Thank g-d for that… I’d thought I’d gone deaf!’
* Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry?
* A: A Bris-kit!
* Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
* A: Filet minyan.
* Jewish telegram: ‘Begin worrying. Details to follow.’
The Rabbi’s Widow
The Rabbi died and his widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town Butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did..
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.” So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’s good to have sex.” So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says after praying, it’s- good to have sex.” So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, So how is the new husband?”
She replied, “Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.”
* Naomi is waiting for a bus to take her to Brent Cross shopping centre. When it arrives she tries to get on, but because she’s wearing a very tight mini skirt, she can’t get her leg up onto the first step of the bus. So she reaches behind her, undoes her zipper a little and tries again to get on the bus. But she can’t – her skirt is still very tight. So she again reaches behind her and undoes the zipper a little bit more. But she still can’t lift her leg. She’s getting a bit flummoxed (anxious) now because there are people behind her waiting to get on. So she reaches behind her a 3rd time and yanks the zip all the way down. But she can’t believe it – she still can’t lift her leg. Just then, the man directly behind her picks her up and drops her into the bus. Instead of thanking him, Naomi turns to him and says angrily, “How dare you? Only a close friend would dare do such a thing.” The man smiles at her and says, “Please forgive me. After the expert way you dealt with my zipper, I really thought we were very close friends.”
* Moshe is fed up with his Becky because she keeps on asking him how she looks. So he decides to buy her a full length mirror. But this doesn’t give the required result. Becky now continually stands in front of the mirror, looks at herself and still asks him how she looks. One day, Becky has just got out of the shower & again stands in front of the mirror. This time she starts to complain that her breasts are too small.
“Oy vay,” says Moshe to himself, “here we go again.”
But he suddenly has an idea. “If you want your breasts to get bigger,” he says to Becky, “then I suggest you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day.” Becky is willing to try anything, so she fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror and starts to rub it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” Moshe replies.
Becky stops rubbing and asks, “Why will rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day make my breasts grow bigger over the years?”
Moshe just shrugs and replies, “Why not? It worked for your toches, didn’t it?”
Believe it or not Moshe lived to tell the tale and with a great deal of therapy may walk again soon.
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped. The- elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”
The old man answered, “No. That is not the tradition.”
The one whose followers sat said, “Then the tradition is to sit during the Shema!”
The old man answered, “No. That- is not the tradition.”
Then the rabbi said to the old man, “But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand.”
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is the tradition!”
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn’t have his head covered…so he asked his little
Brother, Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, “This is important…put your hand back on his head!” to which Henry exclaimed, “What, am I my brother’s kipah?”
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”
Roger looks down at him and say, “300 Acres? What do you raise?”
“Nothing” Irving says.
“Well then, what do you call it?” Asked John.
The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover: It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, -you name it.
The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough.
If he’d parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything. SERVE MEAL.
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
Who was it!!!???” he yells. “That alta kakker (old fart) Goldstein?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Goldstein.”
“Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?” “No. Not- him.”
“Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!”
“No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…”
Morris was now fuming
“What’s the matter?” he cried. “None of my friends are good enough for you?”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by thegerms in our drinking water.” “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Vedding Cake?”
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle!
You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”
She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane.”
A JEWISH GENIE
An Arab spent weeks crossing the desert seeking water. It got so bad his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead.
He crawled to it, pulled it out of the sand, & discovered it was a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left.
So he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie: it was a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies (curly side burns).
“Vell kid,” said the genie, “you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.”
“I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!”
“Vott’ya you got to lose? Looks at me – you’re a gonner anyvay!”
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided the genie’s right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food & drink.”
* * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * *
The Arab was in the most beautiful oasis he ever saw and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
”Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?”
”My second wish is that I -were- rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
“Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need & want me!”
******************P O O F*************************
He was turned into a tampon.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.
The year: 2012. Place: USA. Topic: They just elected the very first woman and Jewish president, Susan Goldberg.
She calls her mom a few weeks after Election Day & says, “So, Mom, I assume you’re coming to my inauguration?”
Ma says, “I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your dad isn’t as young as he used to be, & my gout ‘s acting up.”
“Don’t worry, ma, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up & take you home. And a limo will pick you up at your door.”
Ma replies, “I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy- schmantzy, what would I wear?”
“Oh ma” replies Susan, “I’ll have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in NY.”
“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods like you and your friends.”
The President-elect responds, “Don’t worry ma. The entire affair’s being handled by the best caterer in NY, strictly Kosher.
Mom, I really want you to come.”
So mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldberg is being sworn in as President of the USA.
Her ma’s in the front row & leans over to a senator sitting next to her. “You see the lady with her hand on the Bible, becoming President?”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes.”
Her mom boasts, “Her brother’s a dr.”
Why God gave Jews the Ten Commandments
There’s a little known tale of how God came to give them to the Jews.
First He went to the Egyptians & asked them if they’d like a commandment.
They asked, what’s a commandment?
It’s like Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, He replied.
They considered it & refused because it would ruin their weekends.
So God asked the Assyrians if they’d like one.
They also asked, “What’s a-commandment?”
God- said, ”It’s like Thou Shalt Not Steal.”
They instantly replied, “No way. It’d ruin our economy. “
Finally God went to the Jews & asked them, Do -you want a commandment?
They asked how much.
He said, “Free.”
They said “Great! We’ll take 10!”
In his famous film, “The History of the World”, Mel Brooks had 15 Commandments & Moses dropping a tablet while descending Mt. Sinai.
We cast bread crumbs upon the water to atone for our sins. Some of us need Algebra to calculate how many loaves we need. Occasionally, people ask which bread should be used. Here are suggestions...
Ordinary sins: White bread.
Erotic sins: French bread.
Particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel.
Complex sins: Multigrain.
Sins of indecision: Waffles.
Sins committed in haste: Matzoh.
Sins of chutzpah (nerve/Gaul): Any fresh bread.
Substance abuse: Stoned Wheat.
Petty larceny: Stollen.
Auto theft: Caraway.
Timidity/cowardice: Milk toast.
Ill- temperedness: Sourdough.
Silliness, eccentricity: Nut bread.
Jingoism/chauvinism: Yankee Doodles.
Excessive irony: Rye bread.
Unnecessary chances: Hero bread.
War-mongering: Kaiser –rolls.
Dressing immodestly Tarts.
Lechery/promiscuity: Hot buns.
Promiscuity with gentiles: Hot cross buns.
Racist attitudes: Crackers.
Holier than thou: Bagels.
Indecent photography: Cheesecake.
Raising -your- voice- too-often: Challah.
Pride/egotism: Puff pastry.
Overly- smothering: Angel- Food cake.
Trashing the environment: Dumplings
Telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread
Happy New Year to all! MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH & A YEAR FULL OF GOOD-TIMES.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall.
And may your blood pressure, triglycerides, cholesterol, white blood count & mortgage interest not rise.
May u get a clean bill of health from the dentist, cardiologist, gastroenterologist, urologist, proctologist, psychiatrist, plumber & the IRS.
May u find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in under an hour, & when u get- there may u find a parking – spot.
May this Yom Tov, find -u seated at the dinner -table, with your beloved family & cherished friends ushering- in the Jewish New Year ahead.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and
May they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your pet (s), partner, child, and parent(s).
May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, flower’s unfolding petals, baby’s smile & wonderful, astonishing, miraculous part of-ourselves.
Bless you with- every-happiness, great health, peace and much love during the next year and all those that follow.
Farshtaist ? (Author unknown): Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don’t farshtaist, A bisseleh here & there, the rest went to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist.
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it’s familiar to my ear.
And I’m no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I’m talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don’t know it-better
(Though it’s really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there’s really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let’s not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than “a pill “ is to call someone ‘farbissener’.
Or – that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you’ll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I’m not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I’m not a kvetch,
But isn’t mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, ”It’s nechtiker tog, don’t fear. To me you’re still a maven, zol zein shah, don’t fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don’t mean to interrupt, but you are speaking narishkeit…..And A gezunt auf dein kup!”
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck
(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. (Probably derived from cholera).
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don’t get on your nerves
(Lit., Don’t bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He’s (it’s) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night’s day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense
Gud Shabbes! So who’s kidding who?
Maurice & Rifka -are a lovely old couple, in their 80’s. One day, she says to him, “Do u know what I’d like right now-an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice.
“That’s sweet, dear” she says.
“Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”
“I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka.
“Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do u want?”
“I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.”
“I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I want butterscotch sauce on top. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka.
“I don’t need to, honest. Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,” says – Rifka, “I’d like nuts & a cherry on top. Will u remember?”
“Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice & leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka & proudly announces,
“Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!”
Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?”
A Trip to the Old Country: Ben, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
“But Benjamin, where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.
“Mother,” he replies, “In London, nobody wears a beard.”
“But at least you keep the Sabbath?” his mother asks.
“Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath.”
“But kosher food you still eat?” asks his mother.
“Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”
Then silence, whilst his elderly ma ponders what she heard. Then she leans over & whispers in his ear, “Ben, tell me, are u still circumcised?” A visit to the doctor: Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
“Darling, what’s the matter?”
“Oh Abe,” cried Esther, “Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis.”
“What! A big healthy woman like you has t.b.? Ridiculous,” said Abe, “I’ll call Dr. Cohen & sort it out now.”
So Abe called his doctor. “Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis.”
The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
“So what’s so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?” asked Esther.
“Esther, Doctor Cohen didn’t say ‘tuberculosis’, he said ‘too big a tochus’”
(‘tochus’ is Yiddish for ‘bottom’).
The perfect shot?: Gary stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured-the wind direction and speed. Then he started over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts.
Finally Benny said, “Oy vey! What’s taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball, will you already!”
Gary replied, “But Benny, my wife Suzie’s up there watching from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, Gary. You’ll never hit her from here!”
‘Tired and thirsty’ from around the world: The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Scot says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.”
The Swede says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.”
The Japanese says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.” The prophecy: Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, “Prophecy, tell me when you will die!”
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. “I do not know when I will die,” he answered finally. “I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later.”
Shaggy buffalo story: A -family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
“So, nu,” says Minihorowitz, “You’ll never believe.”
“What?” says Pocayenta.
“Today, at high noon, someone proposed to-me.”
“So what did you say?” says Pocayenta.”
“I said yes”
“That’s wonderful,” says Pocayenta. “She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married.”
“I heard,” says Geronowitz, “I’m kvelling. So who’s the lucky boy?”
“Sittin’ Bialy?” says Pocayenta,” of the SoSiouxMe tribe?”
“That’s the one,” says Minihorowitz.
“Oy, Geronowitz! The So Sioux Me’s! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?”
“We’ll think of something,” says Geronowitz.
“Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo.”
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes- home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed.
“Geronowitz I’ve been worried sick. Where have you been? Where’s my buffalo?”
“It’s like this,” he says. “On my first day out, I hunted high & low & I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter’s wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say-so myself it was the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the Buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz’s wedding.
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo’s neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see-it.”
“See what?” says Pocayenta. “I’ve brought the dairy tomahawk!” Well trained: Sam invites Issy to see how his dog Cindy’s doing with her obedience training. Issy asks, “Can she do a trick?”
Sam says, “Cindy, fetch.”
Cindy immediately starts to whine & says, “Oy! What a terrible day I’m having, u wouldn’t believe it could get any worse. And the
food he gives me is not even fit for a dog, it’s- rubbish. And he wouldn’t even take me out for my daily exercise this morning.”
Issy doesn’t understand why Cindy should behave in this way. So Sam explains, “Cindy hasn’t got the best of hearing these days.
She thought I said kvetch.”
Quickies: Q: What is a Jewish princess’s idea of a dream home?
A: 6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.
Did you hear about the guy who called his girlfriend MEZZUZZA because she liked to be kissed?
Q: Why were gentiles invented?
A: Somebody has to pay retail.
The joker: Daniel and Hette are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop. Hette goes in.
While- Dan’s waiting-outside a prostitute comes up to him and says, “Would you like to come back to my place?”
Being a bit of a joker, Daniel decides to string her along. He replies, “How much do you charge?”
“One hundred pounds,” she says.
“I’ll give you ten pounds,” Daniel says with a wink.
She gives him the V sign and walks away.
Hette comes out the shop & they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette & says to Daniel, “You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?”
One over the minyan: Nine male Jews are very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, “Thank goodness.”
The 11th arrival always responds, “But you had a minyan already.”
To which comes the reply, “You make the ‘pisher’ and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!”
Holiday of a lifetime: A north London congregation decides to honor their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New York.
When Rabbi Bloom arrives/checks in, he’s surprised to find a naked girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance & says, “Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.”
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”
And they lived happily ever after: Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret
of their successful marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained Shlomo. “We visited the Grand Canyon & took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon
on mules. We hadn’t gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule & quietly said ‘That’s once.’
“We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes & quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’
“We hadn’t gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack & shot the mule dead.
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once’.”
The gift: Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new diamond bracelet?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Naomi.
“Well how about a Lexus sports car?” says Jeremy.
“No,” she replies.
“What about a holiday home in the south of France?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” Jeremy asks.
“I’d like a divorce, Jeremy,” answers Naomi.
“Oy, I wasn’t planning to spend that much!” says Jeremy.
My Fathers’ sayings: Don’t ask me, ask your mother. You didn’t beat me. I let you win. Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
Don’t you know any normal boys?
- I told you keep your eye on the ball.
- Who said life was supposed to be fair?
- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
- Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
- You call that noise “music?”
- We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
- When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
- You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
- This is your last warning!
- I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
- What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
- I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
- What do you think I am, a bank?
- What part of NO don’t you understand?
- I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father!
- Didn’t your teacher learn you nutin’?
- You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
- It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
- You know you’re always going to be Daddy’s little girl.
- I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
- Don’t use that tone with me!
- Am I talking to a brick wall?
- Don’t make me stop the car!
The deal: Issy & Howard were brothers who lived/worked in Golders’ Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them – they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, “I will donate to the synagogue one hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch (good person).”
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed with the sentence “But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!”
The Jewish Quiz
If you are a Jew, an aspiring Jew, married to a Jew, or dating one, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take (or give) this- quiz to see if you learned enough to function:
1. There are no Jews living in: a. sin b. El Paso c. trailer parks
2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a. do windows b. make latkes c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings.
3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a. gentle b. housebroken c. stuffed
4. Jews spend their vacations: a. sightseeing b. sunbathing c. discussing where they spent their last vacation & will spend their next.
5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: a. up on the newest style b. entitled to free haircuts c. not Jewish
6. Wilderness is: a. no running water b. no electricity c. no hot & sour soup
7. The- most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a. jogging b. tennis c. howling over the neighbors lawn ornaments
8. Jews never drive: a. unsafely b. on Saturdays c. 18 wheelers
9. A Jewish skydiver is: a. careful b. insured c. an apparition
10. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to: a. be a prostitute b. deface a synagogue c. remove the back of a TV set
11. Jews never sing: a. off-key b."Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c. around a piano bar
12. Jews are ambivalent about: a. vegetarianism b. Jesse Jackson c. absolutely nothing.
Scoring: 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c". 32-36 points: Mazel- Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully out of desire for true closeness, & respect for their traditions, or you're from Florida or NY.
28-31 points: You're mildly involved in your faith or you're a Shiksa becoming Jewish by injection!
24-27 points: Most likely you eat Sunday brunch at a good Jewish deli a few times a year plus attended a couple of Jewish weddings &/or Bar Bat Mitzvahs in your time.
20-23 points: You must work for a Jew, are in the schemata (clothes) business or in "the biz".
19 & below: The Pope knows more about being a good Jew than you do. Remember, don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell u apart.
Jewish Zoo: Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down & out that he’s ready to take any acting gig he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad says, “Actor needed to play an ape.”
“I can do that,” says Moishe. To his surprise, it turns out to be the Central Park Zoo.
Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat they can no longer afford to import an ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they’ll put an actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience nags him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy the attention & starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers. Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls & roaring with all his might while beating on his chest. Soon, he’s drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips & he flies over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion’s den. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws & prays at the top of his lungs, “Shama Yisroel Adonoi Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!” (Hear O Israel, the LORD our GOD is one GOD).
The lion opens his powerful jaws & roars the response, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuso L'olam Va'ed!" (Just -as in your heart there is only One, so too in our hearts there is only One).
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, “Shut up, you’ll get us all fired!”
SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM
During-the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. To place you in a seat that best suits you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire & return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I’d prefer to sit in the… (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Congregants’ secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi’s wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor’s wife
___ The gabbi
___ The gabbi! ’s wife
___ The gabbi’s “secretary”
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors’ relatives
___ Sex (Preference: ______________________ )
___ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: _______________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Real estate agent
___ Buyer (Specify store: ____________________ )
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who’s available-I’m bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon [additional charge]
5. (Orthodox only) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
____________ _____________ _______________ ______________ ___________________ ________________
Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: ________ Love, G-d bless, cheers Phoebs
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam citizenship. He was asked to spell “cultivate” & did so correctly.
He was then asked to use it in a sentence. With a big smile, responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day,
I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, “You know I don’t swim well.” Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was a kid, so he begins tugging Saul to shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”
Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”
Bar Mitzvah Definition:
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family – wife, children & grandchildren – came to see him, but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. ”Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?”
“Yes,” said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out & told Gramma Sadie, who said, “Go tell Grampa Moishe he can’t have any chopped liver .It would kill him.”
Ben went back in and reported what she’d said.
“You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I’m dying anyway and it won’t make any difference.”
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, “Go tell Grampa Moishe he can’t have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva.”
Jewish Mother’s Answering Machine
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how I feel, you’re calling the wrong # since no one ever asks.
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a “shiksa.” (Gentile-girl)
The son replied, “But she’s converting to Judaism.”
“It doesn’t matter,” the old man said. “A shiksa will cause problems.”
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
“It’s Shabbos,” the son replied.
The father was surprised: “But we always work on Saturday. It’s our busiest day.”
“Not anymore,” the son insisted, “because my wife wants us to go to shul (temple) on Shabbos. (Sabbath-Saturday)”
“See,” the father said. “I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems.”
A Jew must look at life as a constant process of growth and development. Tiny beginnings can grow to their fullest potential, and even darkness can be overcome.
As a general principle, Jewish Holidays are divided between days u must starve & days you must overeat. Many Jews observe no less than 16 fasts a year, based on the time-honored principle that even if u r sure u r ritually purified, u definitely aren’t. Though there -are many feasts & fasts, there r no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical & personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah — Feast
Tzom Gedalia — Fast
Yom Kippur — More fasting
Sukkot — Feast
Hashanah Rabbah — More feasting
Simchat Torah — Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan — No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah — Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet — Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B’Shevat — Feast
Fast of Esther — Fast
Purim — Eat pastry
Passover — Do not eat pastry
Shavuot — Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz — Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B’Av — Very strict fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul — End of cycle. Enroll in Center for
Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
GREEN EGGS AND WHAT?
The National Education Association is celebrating “Read Across America” by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there’s the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) here’s a new ending for the story: Will you never see? They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
But, I’ll eat green eggs with a biscuit!
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I’ll eat green eggs in a box.
If You serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river, I’ll eat green eggs with chopped liver! So if you’re a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan, but troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
AND…Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is now available in Israel…
In the following flavors:
Berry Pr’i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip & finally (drum roll, please)………Simchas T’oreo. It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen.
There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism — in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism — we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism — I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism — drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to –breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism — attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
Uy Vay iz meer: An idiom closely resembling “Woe is Me” & is cried out by Jewish moms every 15 minutes. It’s an anthem of true suffering.
Putz:The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating & solitary amusement. He’s larger than a schmeckel & similar to a schmuck, a common term for male in-laws.
Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. It’s a common term for former male in-laws and business partners.
Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts & transparent slime jelly. The only food it’s okay for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
Koorveh:A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to Russian Czar’s wife at the turn of the 20th Century, & the flashy shiksa your nephew married.
K’naidlach: Also referred to as matzoh balls made- with- Styrofoam and- sponges. There isn’t a laxative in the world strong enough to counteract them.
Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses & feels miserable, an unfortunate jerk. He’s closely -related to Schlemazel & Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving.
Schlemiell: A jerk who can’t do anything right. Simply put-someone who always spills her soup.
Schlemazel:The poor dumb Putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.
Mazel Tov:A gleeful- rejoice, used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is marrying a Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe bartender.
JEWISH WISDOM:20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah (good deed).
If you don’t eat, it’ll kill your mom & grandma.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Prune Danish is an acquired taste.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork & shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac & eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.
Cultural Perspective: The Italian says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired & thirsty. I must have diabetes.
A priest & a rabbi are sitting next to each other, on a plane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi & asks, “Do you still forgo pork?”
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, & tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi asked the priest, “Father, r u still required to be celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still a big part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have u ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, & broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, & then said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A Jewish Bride:
A young Jewish couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mom.
“Well,” said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic”
Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using terrible language — things I’d never heard before!
I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me . . . PLEASE, MAMA!”
“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed . . .they’re-just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama . . . words like, Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook . . . “
“I’ll pick you up in ten minutes,” said the mother
A Nice Jewish Girl: A Jewish girl brings home her fiancé to meet her folks.
After dinner, her mom tells her dad find out about him.
He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks.
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. (Rabbinical student)
“A Torah scholar.” the dad says, “Admirable, but can you give my girl the kind of home she’s used to?”
“I’ll study,” the young man replies, “and God’ll provide.”
“And how will you buy the engagement ring she deserves?” asks the father.
“I’ll concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies,” God will provide.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this. Each time the dad questions the fiancé insists God’ll provide.
Afterward, her mom asks, “So? How did it go?”
The father answers, “He has no job or plans. But the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
A Rabbi’s Compensation: A popular young Rabbi tells the congregation he’s moving to a larger one that pays more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein owns several car dealerships, stands up & says, “If you stay, I’ll give you a new sedan every year, & your wife a mini van,
to schlep the kids!”
The congregation sighs, & applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur & investor stands & says, “If you stay, I’ll double your salary, & establish a foundation to guarantee
your kids’ college education!!”
More sighs, & applause.
Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands & says, “If you stay, I offer SEX!!”
There is a hush. Blushing, the rabbi asks, “Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?”
She said, “I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could do to make you stay. He said, ’screw the rabbi!’”
Memorial stone: A -woman’s husband dies. He left 20G.After all was done at the funeral home & cemetery,
she tells her best friend there’s no money left.
The friend says “How? You told me he had 20G a few days before he died. How could you be broke?”
The widow says, “The funeral was $6,500. Plus, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church & the organist & all.
That was $500 & I spent another $500 for the wake, food & drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone.”
The friend says, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”
The widow says, “Three carats.”
An Arab, fleeing the Taliban & desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far-off in the distance. Hoping it’s water he walks to it, only to find a little, old, Jewish, man sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties displayed.
The Arab said, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The Jew replied, “I don’t have any. Why don’t you buy a tie? They’re only $15. Here’s one that goes very nicely with your robes.
The Arab shouted I don’t want any overpriced ties, you idiot! I need water!”
The Jew replied, “Ok, don’t buy a tie. To show I’m nice there’s a nice restaurant over the hill, about four miles down. They have lots of water.”
The Arab begrudgingly thanked the Jew & left.
Four hours the Arab comes crawling back to the Jew.
The Jew said, “I told you it’s about four miles over the hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped, “I found it…Your brother wouldn’t let me in without a tie…”
THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where- there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According -to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann’s.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking’s suspended.
18. Without- Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under-same management for over 5,763 years.
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of “Thou shalt- not” don’t you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders- a-Pastrami-on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?,” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices,”? Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies,”I make a nice living….”
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…. and forgot to write a letter.
11. Three Jewish moms meet for lunch. One takes a deep breath & gives a long, slow “oy.” The 2nd takes a deep breath too & lets out a long, slow “oy.” The 3rd takes a deep breath & says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
12. And one- final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything all right?