Published by I am 39 years old English teacher in college. I was born in a communist country by atheist parents. From the very start my life was full of violence and gross energy. I had a dominant, aggressive father and a submissive aloof mother who tried to turn me into her parent. The environment perfect for the soul to be starved of love and kindness. I have become interested in religion, to my mother’s surprise and disapproval. God became the leading role in my life, driving me to explore the reasons for the existence of so much suffering around me and in me. I have explored almost all religions that I have been able to get hold of, trying to find the common thread that binds all religions together, around one common Source, found out that the Divine is not only an all-pervading energy that gives life to all, but also a person, individuality who has never fallen from the Supreme Awareness, like we have, the awareness that has promised to always guard and always protect, to help in our search towards the Ultimate Reality depending on our own desire to reach it and our own readiness to let the Divine be the charioteer of our life. I tumbled and fell many times over the last 20 years in attempts to survive the pain of separation from the Divine, the despair of a being in the world without true interest in spirituality. I reached out for teacher, for friends, for lovers, for parents, companions in spiritual quest. Many many times faced only egoism and indifference. I gave up finally 4 years ago and decided to keep my spirituality for myself and accepted that besides God’s, I was not destined to experience kindness, love and belonging on this plane in this life. I have never had any paranormal experiences like astral travel, mind reading, premonition or anything like that and I did not believe it to be true at all. I believed in God and spiritual world – Heaven where the pure souls go to reside with the Divine. So, I said goodbye to the God in me with tears in my eyes, knowing that living in the Divine’s close proximity was destroying my ability to live, since the Divine had not decided to bless me with a life in a loving community based on religiousness, or at least a spiritual friend. I was struggling with the desire to live at all every day. Outside, everything was perfect, a good job, graduated university, bought my own apartment. Inside, I was tired of separation from the Divine and had no interest in material world any more.
My heart was bleeding for years, now I know. I was desperate for the condition of where I had to live and dwell, desperate for being without family, utterly alone, seemingly loved from time to time by some, but in reality always taken for granted for my kind nature based on my deep belief that we are all my Lord’s children. So, I parted with my Lord, to restore my will to remain in the body and ceased with the spiritual practice and slowly and gradually turned my head towards the beauties of His creation – the nature, traveling, gardening, reading non-spiritual books and so on. The taste of my Lord remained but the pain of separation was bearable when I didnt face it deeply every single day and every single minute in a day. Instead of praying I walked in nature, went swimming, cooked for friends. I was at some kind of peace, I felt I did everything I could to find the meaning to our existence, reached the deepest point for me personally and that I couldnt bear anything more than that. The pain of separation ceased to the level of acceptance…….
Then, I was awaken from my sleep in the most brutal and radical way. I was attacked by an evil demonic entity a little more than a year ago. It could enter and leave my body at his will, reads my thought and acts accordingly, delights in any kind of pain and suffering that I feel which I can sense as a burning sensation in certain parts of my body (I later learned about chakras). I learned that the Other World is not only inhabited with angels and our Lord, Supreme Being, but also is densely populated with unspeakably evil beings, more than we can ever imagine, beings forever without the connection with the Divine, not because the Divine light is not available but because they are too jealous to approach It. I learned that those beings can attach themselves to our subtle bodies like octopus and suck our energy like vampires. I learn that it is their only way to live since they dont have their own energy which is very low vibration. I learned that in order to see the Divine Reality one needs to be brave to face all its aspects, not only the aspects that we can handle. I learned that being spiritual doesnt mean to exist in the spiritual realm but to be in closeness to God and divine beings full of light and kindness and love. The evil beings exist there also and can see or sense the presence of God or angels but they cannot stand in the presence of their qualities. I learned that to understand that reality I had to be raped by a being so jealous at God that decided to hurt Him by hurting His devotee. I learned that the devotee needed to see what they are capable of to understand, like any rape survivor, the soul CAN NEVER be hurt, or demolished, or humiliated or raped or killed. I learned that the price that I had to pay to realize the Reality was and is high, but I was too attached to the idea that the good can remain alone and only – in understanding God and myself, that the evil would disappear. The notion, the existence of evil would disappear and only good would remain which is not possible. The notion of good requires the notion of both sides – the evil too. To remove the good in order to remove the evil side of the world in me and around me, for me is out of question. To remove the good means to remove God, love, the core of my own very being, all the parts of me that are so wonderful, so God-like. To remove the notion of good in order to remove the notion of evil is to become a Buddhist, for me – to become dead. So, with this terrible price of having the notion of evil as well, I keep You my Lord in my heart, eternal sublime supreme companion of my soul, from You I departed and to you I return.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to post comments. Warm regards, Lilly
