We’re All Going to Die

A list of five wacky apocalyptic theories that prove that some people will believe anything.

    1. Religion: Latter-Day Saints and Mormonism

End Time Date: The 7,000 year of human existence (Mormons believe that we are in the early 6,000 range).

End Time Prophecy: After the return of the Jews to Israel, and the building of a few temples (including a temple in Missouri) Jesus will appear in said Missouri temple as well as the main Mormon temple in Salt Lake City, Utah (using a set of doors on the east side of the temple that are unused and reserved for Jesus). At some point, the nations of the earth will be gathered to fight Israel, and Jesus will return and the wicked will be consumed by fire. Afterwards, a period of 1,000 years of peace will be ushered in and everyone who has ever lived will be resurrected and judged.

Weirdest Part of the Prophecy:
After the final judgment, Jesus will split most people into three heavens. How evil you used to be decides which heaven you will go to. Murderer? Rapist? No problem! You are still going to the third level of heaven (which is said to not be an unpleasant experience). You may be wondering where Satan is, and he is in outer darkness, floating around with the few people in the world who refuse to believe that Jesus was standing in front of them, resurrecting everyone who has ever lived, and ruling the world for 1,000 years.

    1. Religion: Lakota Indians

End time Date: Unknown

End time Prophecy: Darkness will descend over the tribe and the world will be thrown out of balance. Earthquakes, fires, and other natural disasters will occur. All of this will lead up to the time when…

Weirdest Part of the Prophecy:
A white buffalo calf woman will purify the world. No, not a half woman/half white buffalo calf, but an ancient woman with mystical powers. Legend has it that a few scouts found her one day, and one got a little frisky with her and she made him disappear in a cloud of white smoke. She then proceeded to bring gifts to the tribe and spread knowledge, and then left with the promise to return.

    1. Religion: Millerism

End Time Date: Sometime between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844… wait no no, it will definitely happen by April 18, 1844. No huh? Ok… then how about October 22, 1844?

End Time Prophecy: The basic Christian end time philosophy, beasts, horsemen, etc.

Weirdest Part of the Prophecy:
William Miller was a preacher that thought he had figured out when Jesus would appear again. He was so sure of himself that he predicted that it would happen in only a years time (from 1842). When it did not, he figured he must have had the dates wrong. When it still did not happen, he tried again. Miller then decided to quit predicting an exact date, yet the damage to his reputation was already done. Miller seemed generally shocked that the second coming of Jesus had not happened by the time of his death in 1849.

    1. Religion: Rastafari

End Time Date: 1930-present?

End Time Prophecy:

The Rastafarians believe that the end times where started by the crowning of Haile Selassie, the Emperor of Ethiopia, in 1930. They believe that he is God and that he will call a day of judgment and bring home the lost children of Israel (taken on the slave traders ships) to live with him in peace. They believe that after this they will become immortal and live with Selassie in peace, love and harmony.

Weirdest Part of the Prophecy:
Haile Selassie continuously refused to say whether or not he was a god, although I am pretty sure that I have figured this one out. He died on August 27, 1975 without making anyone immortal.

    1. Religion: Heaven’s Gate

End Time Date: Sometime around 1997

End Time Prophecy: The members of Heavens Gate decided that the earth was about to be wiped clean. They believed everything would be recycled and renewed, and that the only way to escape it would be if their souls caught a ride on a space ship traveling behind the Hale-Bop comet. To make sure they did not miss out on their ride, they committed mass suicide.

Weirdest Part of the Prophecy:
The theory that there was a UFO following the Hale-Bop comet was spread predominately by late night, paranormal talk radio, host Art Bell. Art Bell had allegedly been given a photograph of the UFO in the comets wake, and posted it on his website. One day after he posted it, he was contacted by the original photographers and was informed that the picture he had displayed was a hoax. Art Bell then quickly started to backtrack on the story, but it appears that no one informed the members of Heavens Gate.