Published by Elizabeth Vargas on ABC’s 20/20 has just returned to the network after three months of maternity leave. She is the mom of a three month old and a three year old, and she is now finding it more difficult than she thought; she asked the question in her report, “Can women have it all?” It’s an age old question that has no real answer, and even more importantly, it’s the wrong question to ask. Why would you want to have it all is the one I’d ask!
There are multiple mindsets that are in play in this country, and they’re detrimental to who and what we are. There’s the “keeping up with the Jones’” ideal: we need bigger and better than our circle of influence. There’s the “I’m doing well and I’m going to flaunt it!” mentality: success and excess is to be enjoyed, even flaunted, because you only go around once. Lastly, there’s the “I don’t have it, and I’m looked down and shamed by my peers”: if you don’t have the right clothes, drive the right car, have the latest and greatest, you’re the poor loser everyone makes fun of. Now there’s a new trend of “I don’t have it all, don’t want it all, and it’s ok to live a scaled down lifestyle”: these people don’t let wealth or possessions dictate who they are or how they feel about themselves. Talk about emotional progress!
I’d been thinking for two days about this story because we so often fill our lives up with things we don’t need or tasks we convince ourselves if we don’t do they won’t get done right, they won’t get done at all, and everyone is counting on us to save the day. The more we fill up our lives, the more exhausted we become. It also means a lot less time for the things and people in our lives that really matter.
“I open the church on weekends, I clean up after the services, I run the kitchen, I make the church bulletins, I organize the used clothing and food drives, I pick the sermon music and schedule everyone together to practice, I make tea and coffee for all meetings, I run the homeless ministry, I organize the building fund drives, I run the day care, I set up and run the bible camp…” That’s the problem with church – there’s always something to do, usually not enough people to help, and a focus sometimes on the wrong things.
These activities are important, but when you’re too tired at the end of the night to spend time with God and Jesus, then they’re in the wrong order of affection. Anything that comes between you and your relationship with God is wrong – even if it’s church business. Imagine someone gave you $50,000; you would thank the person, and then dolt over the money for days or weeks on end, spending it carefully (maybe recklessly). The money consumes your thoughts more than the thought of the person who gave it to you, and that’s the wrong order.
Thinking about Elizabeth Vargas and her desire to have it all, I’m sure with her salary, she’s got some level of domestic help, so she can get away with budgeting her time a little better. On the other hand, why would you want so much to come in the way between you and the real priorities in life? If you decide to have children, aren’t they what life is about?
I’ve got a very good friend who gave up several years of her working life just so she could be home with her children. Her husband agreed it was for the best, and she would stay home after each child for a few years so the child would have a strong foundation. They weren’t rich by any stretch, but she did run small home based businesses and he worked a few extra hours, but their children never suffered. It was always tough and tight, but it was their commitment they made to each other in the hopes of raising solidly grounded children. When the kids became teenagers, they pull away to find out who they are, testing new boundaries, and our patience.
God’s no different, if you really think about it. He has given us life and raised us in His creation. He has kept us generally safe (there are always exceptions and tragedies) and has met our basic needs. We come to Him freely and like any parent, I imagine His heart melts and He smiles when our first word to Him was “Father”. As we place obstacles to keep us busy in this life, we are like our teen aged kids – trying to go at it alone, often forgetting the basics. We think that if we do one more good thing, it will be pleasing in the eyes of God. Knowing the bible says our ways are not His ways, and His ways are not our ways, it would stand to reason any activity we put in front of our love and worship to Him, grieves Him. His rebellious teens aren’t making time for Him, even if it’s accidental.
Before you run off and sign up for everything like you’re super woman and Martha Stewart rolled into one, ask yourself if you really need it, or need to do it, and will it come between you and your time with the Father. Sometimes, I think the Quakers and Amish have it right – there’s so little to distract them from the basics of life.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear my “Daddy” calling me to spend time with Him!
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Having all means many different things to many different people but your piece is very informative as well as interesting. Simply asking the correct questions does seem to make more sense though doesn’t it?
That was a good read, I quite agree that having it all means different things to different people and learning to ask the right questions comes with age and experience and good teachers! Choosing what we want to put into our lives and how we execute that is a matter of choices.